Transformers is a movie starring robots. Robots that turn into cars and planes and CD players. It was originally a cartoon, now it is a series of billion-dollar movies. As a kid, I loved both the Transformers, and G.I. Joe cartoons, but if you had made a bet with me about which cartoon could be more plausibly made into a movie, I would have bet all my money on G.I. Joe, which is just basically a story about people fighting terrorist bad guys, which almost sort of makes sense.
Instead, the G.I. Joe movies keep sort of flopping, while Transformers remains popular, even though they feature robots that change into trucks, truck-changing robots that speak English and the whole thing makes no sense whatsoever.
But it’s too late to complain. These movies have happened, and will continue on happening for whatever reason. In addition to truck-changing robots, these movies featured Shia LaBeouf, either making a confused squinty face, or running away from explosions in terror. Good times. But now, with Transformers 4: The Search for More Money, Shia has been replaced with Mark Wahlberg for whatever reason. Here’s the first trailer for that movie. So, let’s see how that goes:
…Running, frowning, running from spark-filled explosions with a hot chick, the Mark Wahlberg confused face. …Yep. All seems pretty familiar, with the exception of the Mark Wahlberg face, which replaces the Shia LeBeouf confused face, which always seemed to convey the emotion, “I am either really concerned about global annihilation or I really really have to poop.” Good times. And also, was that the best take we could get of the girl yelling “Dad?!!!” There wasn’t any better alternate take of that? Because that does not bode well. Anyway.
ANY-way, it all makes one wish for a simpler era, back when Transformer movies were just animated and were expected to suck and also featured bad-ass terrible 80s rock songs:
…Although even this song contains an odd Mark Wahlberg connection, so maybe this was all meant to be. Who knows? Maybe no one knows; certainly I don’t know.
And so, in conclusion, whatever to the whatever. Let’s just all transform and roll out, and also incidentally avoid seeing this shitty,shitty movie.