The Reverse Vampires

U.S. National Archives

For some time now we have been noticing the reverse vampires, in the way that a long-seen thing may suddenly come into view. For some time now we have been seeing them, and so, here are some facts. Item one: …The reverse vampires sleep all night and stay awake all day. Instead of all black, the reverse vampires wear many colors: maroon; tan; light blue; dark blue; taupe; mauve. They are not very scary; let us face it that these reverse vampires are just not very scary. Except to us — except to us, sometimes, they are scary.

Item two: …Instead of garlic, the reverse vampires are afraid of failed love affairs and their Netflix queue. Holy water does not burn them. For now, we do not know what burns them. Acid? Fire? These things have not been tested. For now, let us just assume that they are inflammable, except that that is not what that word actually means. Rather, for now, let us assume that they are non-flammable, is what we mean.

Item three: …No one hunts the reverse vampires. No Van Helsing haunts their undead non-sleep. …Sometimes they wish that someone would; that someone would hunt them — follow them, obsess over them, send them text messages. For this, this being hunted, it would give their lives a sense of purpose and meaning, distract them from staring at their Netflix queue endlessly, as they so often do.

Instead of being hunted, the reverse vampires must just… live their lives. They smile. They grin. They spend their days at customer service jobs. They say things like, “Workin’ hard, or hardly workin’?” They say things like: “Freshen that up for yah?” These are the moments when the reverse vampires frighten us most. But perhaps, maybe; perhaps we are the only ones who can see the reverse vampires; see the flash of their glinting teeth. …And so maybe, perhaps, the world is better off with the reverse vampires; for they are so numerous that without them the world would be — without them the world would be nearly empty, nothing but horizon and void. …So maybe we are better off with them but still they frighten us. They scare us. “Freshen that up for yah?” Oh no; please no. They haunt us. They trouble our sleep. Perhaps we are what they dream. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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