I apologize for writing about this after the fact, but since this is the greatest moment of my life — nay; the greatest thing that has ever happened, it therefore must be talked about. Did anyone else see Sharknado on the Syfy channel last night? If not, why didn’t you? Here’s the goddamn trailer for it:
Every so often, we are privileged to witness greatness: greatness in the form of Tara Reid and the blond guy from “90210” fighting a whirlwind of sharks. First of all, I just want to praise the screenwriters who invented this concept It’s a movie about a SHARKNADO, which equals… a tornado of sharks. Really, the screenwriters could have just stopped there. I could have happily watched just a swirling tornado of sharks for two hours straight, the way that some people can watch a flickering yule log on TV; I would have merely stared at the endless televised tornado of sharks, and felt peaceful and content.
But instead, this film gave us so much more.
For example, this film gave us this:
And then, the film gave us lines like this:
- “We’re gonna stand and fight. We can’t just stand here and wait for sharks to rain down on us again.”
- “We’re gonna need a bigger ‘copter.” (…This is not dialogue. This is just my question: Why? How much more helpful could a larger helicopter be? This is a shark-storm! Run for the hills, people!)
- “Sharks don’t like Vegemite.” (…But no one but drunken Australians like Vegemite in the first place; MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING.)
- “Get home safe, everybody. Don’t forget Taco Tuesdays!” (…What?)
- “It’s flooding here. Not the plumbing. The ocean.”
- “Now I hate sharks, too.” (…So you were so-so-ish on them before?)
And then there was even more dialogue like that! Anyway, this movie was the best thing to have ever happened and that includes the Sistine Chapel and the time I dated a bisexual cheerleader-stripper, which is a very bro-ish thing to say, but this movie was better than that (and actually, she was kind of annoying).
So, if you have seen Sharknado, please tell me your best Sharknado experiences in the comments, and also please make your suggestions for the inevitable sequel to this movie. (My suggestions: How Sharknado Got Its Groove Back, and/or, Sharknado: The Snarknequel.) But those only took me twenty seconds and no doubt you can think of better ones than that. Okay, go! But first here’s the chainsaw video again.