What I Imagine Game Of Thrones Is Like Without Ever Having Seen It

…I did no research while writing this essay. Also I don’t own a TV.
Game of Thrones

–SCENE: The outskirts of a stark foreboding castle on the edge of some mythical British-seeming land–


Dwarf: Hello… I’m a dwarf… king.

Hot girl: Avast! I sense that you are in league with the Northlanders!

Guy with lots of vowels in his name: Hello. My name is Dacérynâl Cändleflue. That’s a lot of vowels!

Dwarf: Aye. Indeed it is.

Girl: Verily. It sounds sort of Welsh, but like… fake Welsh.

Guy:  Are there dragons in this?

Girl: I don’t know.

Guy: That’d be cool… if there were dragons.

Dwarf: By my troth! I sense that you… Dacérynâl Cändleflue… are in league with the Northlanders!

Guy: Who are the Northlanders?

Girl: Bad guys, probably?

Dwarf: Fuck this show is complicated.

Girl: That’s why people like it.

Guy: Aye.

Girl: Avast! An interloper!

(Another hot girl arrives.)

New Girl: Hello! Here are my breasts!

(She disrobes.)

Girl: …And that’s the other reason that people like it.

(A dragon arrives.)

Dragon: ..I’m not sure that I’m in this scene.

Guy: You’re probably not.

New Girl: We’re unsure.

(…The dragon flaps off.)

New Girl: So ANY-way…

Dwarf (glaring at her breasts): By the rood! How uncouth! Cover yourself, vile strumpet, or I shall slay you with my Sword of Bleedening!

New Girl: Jesus.

(She covers herself. A peasant arrives.)

Peasant: You guys! I have woeful tidings of the Northlanders. …Woeful tidings, which, alas, pass faster than thought, wingéd thought!

Guy: What ho, of the Northlanders?

New Girl: I’m taking my shirt off again.

Everyone: Fii-iiine!

(She does so.)

Dwarf: Alas; a woman’s nudity, which lays bare to all. As indeed all is in time laid bare. Bare; bare as this game which we all so ruefully play. …This game… of thrones.

Peasant: So this is sort of like ‘Dungeons & Dragons,’ but with tits?

Girl: Probably.

Dwarf: …Hark; who among us can say for sure, in this game that we all so wontonly toy at. This game… of thrones.

(An elf or something arrives.)

Elf or something: You guys! Terrible news!

Guy: What ho, Outlander?

Elf: I hear that we all died or something! In something called a “Red Wedding”?

New Girl: Um, hello?

Girl: …Um… SPOILERS?!

Guy: …So we’re all dead right now?

Elf: Probably!


(The dragon flaps in for a second, sees what is going on, and leaves.)



–End Scene–


Coming nextWhat I’m guessing that show ‘Girls’ is like. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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