…Hi there. I’m a cat. I’m the first full-time cat writer that Thought Catalog™ has ever hired. For the time being, until I’m fully set up in the blogging system, I’m writing under Oliver Miller’s byline, but soon enough, I’ll be publishing under my own name, which is “Princess Meowington,” or, as I prefer — “Cat.” I’m not going to answer to any goddamn name anyway, so just “Cat” will do fine.
You may be wondering about my credentials for this job. Well, previously, I was assistant director of social media for BuzzFeed™, and I also contributed editorial writing for them; also I have a MFA from the University of California, Irvine. Nah. I’m just kidding. I’m a fucking cat, man. I’m only like two years old. I don’t have time for an MFA program.
Anyway, I’m so excited to have this new platform which I can utilize to share my thoughts and views with you! I’m sure we’ll have a lot of interesting conversations! I have a lot of exciting articles ready, such as “The 15 Types of String,” “5 Ways to Know For Sure That He’s Neutered,” and “How to Be a Crazy Cat!” So it should be good times. Also, I’ll be collaborating on an e-book with Tao Lin; he’s so hot right now. Kidding! I’m not really doing that last one; well, I’m not collaborating; he’s just adding his name to the title in order to boost sales — that’s how the “pub biz” works, dontcha know?
Excuse me for a second while I roll over in the sun.
Okay! Where were we? Also, I have lots of thoughts on popular culture to share with you. Like that new show Cats, on HBO? What’s the deal with that show? Does it speak directly to our generation, or is it just exploitative trash? …And would it kill them to have one black cat on that show? Sure, fine, they added a black cat in the second season — but it seemed forced, and like it was just done in response to criticism, y’know? Or did it seem organic to you? I want to know your thoughts on the topic. Also, I’m kidding again! I’m just making fun of that show Girls, in a downbeat postmodern way. I am a clever cat.
I am a clever cat, oh yes. A clever clever clever clever clever cat. A go-ooood cat. I’m a go-ooood cat.
Where was I. Sorry.
Also, music, we can talk about music. Like, Dubstep. It sucks, right?! I mean, what the cock is that bullshit. Or is there something that I’m missing, and it’s really an integral new art form. Or celebs. James Franco, what a hottie. Or whatever you guys want to “dish” about.
I think I just ate a bug. Fuck, shit, damn. I didn’t think it was a bug, but — nope! — it’s a bug. I was attracted to it by the movement, and then I sort of swatted it down and ate it; instinctively, without really thinking it over. Ugh; fucking gross, man.
ANY-way. Okay. Well, I’m excited! I’m pumped for this new job. But if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go puke this bug up and then maybe sleep for nine hours. Because I’m a cat! …LYL! Talk to you soon and, um, meow, or whatever; I guess!