Today in news which you cannot use: Famed internet sensation “Grumpy Cat,” who is a… cat… who appears to be… frowning, is now set to be a full-length feature motion picture event! Considering that I’m having trouble thinking of a second sentence to type about Grumpy Cat besides “she’s a cat who looks like she’s frowning” — considering that, you might be forgiven for thinking that making a two-hour movie about a frowning cat would be a terrible, terrible idea.
But fret not! The movie is in the… capable hands of producer Todd Garner, who made the film Jack and Jill, which featured Adam Sandler in a wig, and which is one of the worst movies ever made. Again, this might sound like bad news; but just think about it — it’d be worse if a good director was working on “UNTITLED GRUMPY CAT PROJECT” right now, because that’d be sad. We wouldn’t want “Warner Herzog’s ‘Grumpy Cat,'” after all. (Actually; yes, of course we would: “I look into zee face of zhis Grumpy Cat, and eye see nothing; no love, no fear, no humahn emotion.” …But… I digress.)
Anyway, here’s what genius producer Todd Garner has to say about his upcoming Grumpy Cat film:
“This started off as a picture of a cat, but rare is an image that evokes that much comedy,” Garner said. “You read all of the memes and the comments, and one is funnier than the next. We think we can build a big family comedy around this character.”
Yes, um, so much comedy! Infinite comedy right here! A frowning cat; surely, this is a rich comedic vein that can never run dry. And in more news that is also not a joke, Will Ferrell and Jack Black are set to co-star with… the grumpy cat, thereby providing you with all your shouting, flailing, and sarcasm needs, just in case an unhappy-looking cat isn’t quite enough for you.
ANY-way, now that a frowning cat gets a movie deal, can we please have the fucking Nyan Nyan Nyanko movie that I’ve been hoping and silently begging for? They’re goddamn cats… that dress up as food! I am not kidding about this for one second here. Cats… that dress up as goddamn food: could that ever not be adorable and entertaining? Answer: No! It could never not be cute and entertaining. Give me what I want, Hollywood, for chrissakes, for once in your life. Ahem. Anyway. That is all.