If You Slow Down Justin Bieber By 800 Percent, You Get Art

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Justin Bieber is, of course, America’s favorite musical Monchhichi slash sentient shade of bland that has come to life type of… thing. Also, his songs work on two levels:  sugary treacle and the soundtrack for your next and greatest cult-based suicide pact, so, double-threat right here.

But lately, Justin has been on a bit of a losing streak, what with having drugs found on his tour bus, being slapped with a paternity suit, cursing out and trying to fight the paparazzi, and being seen in a “late-period Michael Jackson-ish” creepy ski-mask-slash-fedora ensemble. …Also, there was the little matter of his Anne Frank-based faux pas, wherein the Biebs visited the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and signed the guest book with the following words: “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” Which was pretty insensitive, and managed to piss Europe and the rest of the world off, because of course obviously, duh, Ms. Frank would have been a One Direction girl I mean come on now people.

What Justin needs is to slow-www the fuck down — especially since he’s reaching that no-longer-cute phase where he less resembles a Monchhichi and more resembles, well, a typically irritating and assholish self-absorbed nineteen year-old. So slow it down, J. Bieb. Just slow it all down.

And luckily, the slowing of Justin down has been accomplished for us. While all right-thinking people hate Mr. Bieber’s music (even the teenage girls seem to be in it mostly for the bangs), there remains a way to make the music of Justin Bieber palatable.

And thus, the non-terriblifying of Justin Bieber has now been accomplished by producer Nick Pittsinger, who ran the single “U Smile” through a music editing program called PaulStretch — and thereby slowed the song down by 800% — in the process stretching out “U Smile” to an insane 35-minute run-time.

And the result is… amazing. It turns out that slowing a J. Bieb song down in this way creates a burst of unexpected art — a trance-like epic that’s reminiscent of, say, Sigur Rós or Brian Eno. This is either a clear indication of the greatness that lies deep within Justin Bieber, or an indication that you can make anything good via fucking around with song-editing software. Either way, the new “U Smile” approaches the level of awesomeness, and it just might make a tentative Belieber out of you. TC mark

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