000,000,000,000,000??? No One Knows Because Time Didn’t Exist Yet — God pwns Satan by ejecting him from heaven.
40,000 B.C. — Man pwns woolly mammoths by over-hunting and eating them until they die out.
9,000 B.C. — The walls of Jericho are pwned by an earthquake (earliest recorded event).
776 B.C. — The first Olympics are held in Ancient Greece. The losers get pwned.
146 B.C. — The Romans PWN Carthage by leveling it to the ground, then tilling its fields with salt so that nothing may grow there again. Carthago delenda est. MAJOR PWNAGE.
33 A.D. — The Romans pwn Jesus. So pwned.
732 A.D. — Charles Martel pwns invading Arab forces at the battle of Tours, setting the stage for the Dark Ages, which are full of pwnage.
1337 — England pwns France by starting the Hundred Years’ War.
1348 — The Black Death pwns everyone. Approximately one-third of the world dies; about 150 million people. Huge level of pwning going on here.
1453 — France pwns England by winning the Hundred Years’ War. (Which is highly pwn; in that it lasts longer than one hundred years.)
1517 — The Protestation Reformation begins; the Pope is so pwned.
1776 — America pwns England.
1812 — Canada pwns America.
1914 — Germany pwns France.
1918 — Everyone pwns Germany.
1939 — Germany attempts some re-pwnage, but mercifully fails.
1959 — Plan 9 From Outer Space is released; cinema gets pwned.
1975 — Vietnam pwns America; also America experiences the presidency of Gerald Ford, which is so pwn-ish; also, Oliver Miller is born – so pwned.
1981 — The internet more or less comes into being, setting the stage for MAXIMAL PWNAGE. From this point on, pwning increases at a nearly exponential rate.
1988 — Dan Quayle. Pwned.
1991 — “Hypercolor” clothing. Pwned.
1994 — “The Macarana.” Pwned.
1998 — “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Pwned. Also: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Pwned.
1999 — The Phantom Menace. Pwned.
2000 — Al Gore. Pwned.
2003 — “Mission Accomplished.” Pwned.
2005 — “You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie.” Pwned. Also, Stephenie Meyer invents the concept of abstinence sparkle glitter vampires, which is highly pwn.
2008 — “I can see Russia from my house.” Pwned.
2011 — Fifty Shades of Grey pwns whatever remaining elements of literature that Stephenie Meyer didn’t already pwn.
2012 — Kristen Stewart or something, pwned. Kanye West or something. Pwned.
2013 — What future pwnage will 2013 hold?!!!! The future rushes towards us… an empty black road; vague and uncentered, ready for any text which we might care to inscribe upon its willing macadam. Will there be pwn? Will there be an end to pwn? Only the future knows, but the future is unwilling to disclose its secrets, which is — in a way — very pwn indeed.
image – Museo del Prado