Star Trek Into Darkness Trailer: The Future Will Feature Explosions And VERY LOUD NOISES

My god -- that's the biggest tuba player I've ever seen.  Mr. Scott, get us out of here!  Etc., etc.

Well, the trailer for the new film Star Trek Into Darkness is out. This is exciting for all of those nerds who were fans of the first J.J. Abrams Star Trek film. It is also exciting for people who want their movie titles to be done in complete, parsible sentences like that. (Though for the title to work as a full, non-fragmented sentence, you of course need to cast it in the Indicative/Imperative verb modality; as in, “I am now commanding you to ‘Star Trek’ into the darkness!” But then, you knew that already, and anyway, I digress.)

Anyway, here is the complete teaser trailer for Star I Am Now Ordering You to Trek Into Darkness, Or Not, As the Case May Be — The Motion Picture.  Are these linguistics-based jokes working for you guys? Or… not?  Anyway, here’s the trailer, staring Kirk, Spock, Uhura, and… all the rest. Enjoy:


As you can see, the trailer also features Benedict Cumberbatch, who is the star of the BBC series Sherlock and who also has the Most English Name Possible In the History of the World, which is nice. Cumberbatch plays the as-yet-unnamed bad guy, who might be Khan, or might not be Khan. (Khan? …Is the bad guy Khan? …Khan, you bloodsucker. Do you hear me? DO YOU?)

Anyway. Here are some other quick thoughts about the trailer and then we’ll be done:

  1. So all movies must now feature Bane-style menacing anarchist villains who are not evil, per se, so much as they just want to watch the world burn and whatever, fine, we’re all ripping off Christopher Nolan now, I guess.
  2. So all movie trailers must feature Inception-style thudding loud horns now, I guess?
  3. So all posters for upcoming movies must look like this now?
  4. Can you come up with a more British-y name than “Benedict Cumberbatch”? My attempt, which I’m only spending 1.3 seconds on, is “Neville Cadbury Wadsworthington the Third.”
  5. What is the next movie going be called? Star Trek ‘Til You Drop? Star Trek Around the Block? I got nothin’.
  6. Is the bad guy Khan? Please, can he be Khan? Khan, you bloodsucker! Like a poor marksman… you just… keep… missing… the target. We tried it once your way, Khan; are you game for a rematch? …Khan? I’m laughing at the superior intellect. Oh my god, I can quote that entire fucking movie.
  7. I never got to mention this before, but after I wrote about the original Star Trek II, the writer/director of the movie, Nicholas Meyer, sent me an email, and I… died. It was like having the real Superman or the real Gandhi or the real Marie Curie send you an email or something. And he signed off on his email with these words: “Live Long and Prosper ” I… died.
  8. …Anyway, so I was talking to Nicholas Meyer, the writer/director of Star Trek II (and the man responsible for IV, and for the underrated Star Trek VI), and we were emailing back and forth about something or other, and then he started referencing Spinoza in his emails. …Now, I like to think that I’m a smart fellow — though I was self-aware enough to realize that the man responsible for Star Trek II would be smarter than me no matter what — but then Nicholas Meyer started talking about Spinoza, and that’s when I realized that he wasn’t just slightly smarter than me, but was actually like 5,000 times smarter than me. “…Spinoza who?” I said. And I… died. But for a different reason.
  9. Here’s an Inception horn button for you, if you need one. BLA-AAAAP!!!
  10. I’m ending this column with a video of the true James Tiberius Kirk, William Shatner. In the video, he is sing-speaking “It Was a Very Good Year” for some reason or other. Why is he doing this? I… I… don’t know why. Just know that I could used anything else featuring William Shatner and it would have been pretty much equally as good.
  11. So here’s Bill Shatner sing-speaking. …And that is pretty much all for right now. G’night, everybody! And enjoy:


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