Top 10 James Bond Theme Songs

8. “Die Another Day” – Madonna

I have a love/hate thing going on with this song. By which I mean, I hate that I love it. And it’s a terrible, terrible late-period Madonna song. Just awful. My love for it is inexplicable, and there’s nothing I can do about that.

This song is also from the worst James Bond movie ever: the one with the invisi-car and where James Bond goes para-hang-glide-sailing on the tidal wave of an exploding melting glacier tsunami, which… come on, that’s a bit of a stretch, even for James Bond.

Also, this movie is the worst one because it features the dreadful Halle Berry, who has negative charisma with the oft-befuddled-looking Pierce Brosnan. And there’s a part in this movie? Where Halle is trapped in a room with spinning lasers? And she’s like, she says to Pierce Brosnan: “If you don’t save me soon, I’ll be half the girl I used to be!” Get it? Because the lasers are about to slice her in half! …Who would ever say such a long, thought-out thing in such a situation? If I was in a room with spinning slicing laser beams, I’d be like, “Fuck! Fuck! I’m going to fucking die-eee here, fuck!” But that’s just me.

Also, also (and then I’ll stop), there’s a scene at the end where Halle and Bond have a bunch of diamonds (because they stole diamonds from the villain who was using them for a huge laser; complicated), and then at the end of the movie, the camera pulls back on the two of them, lying together in a sexily remote cabin in the woods, and they’re… having sex while rolling around on top of the diamonds. Diamonds! The hardest sharpest substance on earth! I can’t even think of something that would be less fun to have sex on top of! Carpet tacks might be worse. Or spiders. Or ticks; I really hate ticks. That might be worse.

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