Hi and welcome to Celeb Watch, my new celebrity-column thing that I just thought of. So. Now. So now…
…So now! So LET’S TALK JUSTIN BIEBER. You might think that you know all that there is to know about Justin Bieber. But do you? Do you really? “Sure,” you say. “He’s that adorable flaxen-haired mop-topped girlboy from Ontario, Canada,” you say. “I think that he also might have a singing career of some sort.” …Ho no. Ho no indeed, my friend. For you are thinking of the old Justin Bieber. The old cutie-pie dimpled Justin Bieber of the past.
But it’s 2012 now, and the Biebers, they be a-changin’. And so gaze with delight and awe upon the new Justin Bieber. Look upon his works, ye mighty, and despair–
Yes, the Justin Bieber of 2012 looks like the genetically engineered crossbreed of Corey Hart, ALF, Vanilla Ice, and a regional production of Grease. And sunglasses! He’s wearing sunglasses, because no one ever thought of signifying coolness in that way before.
So, “The Bieb” is all grown up now, having just turned 18 years old. And the newly-found maturity and rebelliousness of Justin Bieber would shock you; yes, even you, who are not often easily shocked. “I’m a man now,” Bieber said, in an interview or something with Showbiz Spy. …I’m a man now. And not stopping there, Bieber continued:
I’ve become more mature and a whole lot more grown up. I am an adult now and that gives me more freedom. I don’t have to listen to what my parents tell anymore. But I still obey my parents. But I don’t have to.
Wow, rebellious-y-ish; almost standing up to your parents like that. But in case that didn’t shock you enough, prepare to be shocked some more. …Are you ready? For in a recent interview with Q Magazine, Justin Bieber declared that he likes big butts, which is a thing that he refuses to lie about:
The ‘Boyfriend’ star made the revelation in a recent interview and the Biebs didn’t hold back about just what catches his eye when it comes to the ladies.
“I think I’m a butt guy. I just like butts. I’m attracted to them. …Do I have any favourites? Nicki Minaj has got a nice one.”
Interesting. And my research has revealed that Nicki Minaj is a person of some sort, so that’s exciting as well. The rest of the story is covered not by Q Magazine, but by Entertainmentwise, which is a website that was translated from Estonian to Korean to Finnish and then back into English again, judging from the quality of its prose:
Justin has always been a fan of the big-bootied ladies and famously asked Kim Kardashian out when he was just 15.
Now he is 18 [sic] the singer reckons it’s ok to talk about more racy things, like butts, but when it comes to his fans he prefers the younger ones to stay inncoent [sic] confessing until they turn 13 [sic] he doesn’t want them talking about his penis.
“I don’t really agree with 12-year-olds talking about those inappropriate things,” he said [sic] referring to the nickname ‘Jerry’ that his fans have given his manhood [sic].
I’m not even making any jokes here, I’m just actively repressing all of this.
Entertainmentwise then concludes its banal, typo-ridden observations by saying this: “While we are really pleased that Justin shared his taste in [big-butted] women with us, we can’t help but notice girlfriend Selena doesn’t exaclty [sic] have much junk in her trunk. …Watch out Sel, Biebs may try to fatten you up!”
My frantic research has revealed that “girlfriend Selena” is likewise also a person of some sort, and even typing the letters “JUSTIN BIE” into Google results in an auto-fill that leads you directly to hundreds of articles that are concerned about the current state of Justin’s romance with Selena Gomez. It seems that their relationship is “in trouble.” Perhaps this is because Selena lacks… junk? …In her trunk? We are not sure. Anyway, maybe Justin can fix the state of their relationship by fattening “Sel” up! Mayhaps he can try force-feeding her with a tube, the way that geese are force-fed to produce foie gras, which is the horrible image which that horrible article got implanted in my head, at least.
So anyway, now we know that Biebs likes big butts and he cannot lie about that. No other brother can deny the fact that he does not want none; unless, of course, you happen to have big buns, hon — in which case he does indeed want some. So there’s that.
And in a final piece of Justin Bieber news, I must report a final non-important thing. As part of his impending manhood, Biebs also managed to get in a fight on the radio with a DJ, which normally would be fine, since they’re awful people, DJs are. …Anyhow, it seems that Biebs is willing to stand up for more than just his love for big butts. He’s also willing to stand up for his mother, aw.
In a recent interview with “Mojo in the Morning,” which sounds like the name of every morning show ever, J. Biebs defended the honor of his mother, after the host — “Mojo” — made a mild joke about a member of a boy-band trying to seduce Mrs. Bieber. Such a thing could not stand, and so Justin Bieber would not let it stand. “I don’t think you should worry about me — worry about your mom, bro,” he said.
“Justin, my mom’s dead,” the DJ replied, which is a thing that actually happened.
“I guess that’s why she wasn’t moving around much last night,” Bieber replied.
Except no, Justin Bieber didn’t actually say that last part. He just hung up the phone on the host. It’s probably good that he didn’t say that last part, since saying that would have redeemed Justin Bieber in my eyes, and made him interesting, and forced me to start actually paying attention to him, which is a thing that I will never do. Anyway, so that’s CELEB WATCH! I hope you enjoyed it, because I’m never doing this again either. Shalom!