Thought Catalog

A Very Short Story

  • 0
US National Archives
___

My girlfriend just turned twenty-one, because apparently I like dating girls who are fifteen years younger than me. Because why? Because boo-yah, that’s why. Anyway, so she just became street legal, and so is no longer Hustler-style “Barely Legal,” I guess. So it was time to buy her that first “real” drink in a bar. But I can’t drink anymore, because alcoholism on my part.

Still, I took my girlfriend to the horrendous bar that I go to. We’ll call my girlfriend “Julia” because that’s a nice name, and also, as it happens, her name. I still go to bars, because I like to do work in bars. …In Pennsylvania, we have some odd law that says that you can smoke in bars, but only in shitty ones. Seriously, there seems to be no defining principle to the law other than this; I can’t figure it out, it has nothing to do with food service or lack thereof, zoning, or anything else. Anyway, you can smoke in shitty bars here, and I have devoted my life to the cause of non-non-smoking, because I will freak out and SCREAM if I can’t smoke. Also I can’t write if I can’t smoke.

…And now, I spend 98% of my life wanting a cigarette, but not being able to smoke anywhere. And now I’m moving to Canada — I’ll be moving there in a couple of months — and it’s even worse there I think with the non-smoking, plus it’s really cold outside if you have to sneak outside for a cig. Anyway. This has nothing to do with my story. Except for the fact that I learned about the Canada thing that afternoon; the afternoon of the day where I was buying my girlfriend her first drink.

_____

So I bought my girlfriend her first drink. I did not mention the Canada thing. I watched the bartender behind the bar. The bartender at the local bar in the town of _______, Pennsylvania has a limp. It kills me. She walks around using a cane. She can barely walk and her job is walking up and down a bar all day. It’s the worst possible job for her. Olympic Sprinter would be worse, true, but it’s a bad job for her. It’s the kind of bar where you go and you’ll see a guy drinking and smoking with a huge oxygen tank next to him, because he’s old and dying of drinking and smoking. It’s that kind of bar.

Anyway, I go there and I drink non-alcoholic beers or sodas and I smoke and write essays, as discussed. And I stare at the bar and I marvel. Teenagers on drugs, old people dying with oxygen tanks, the one guy who falls asleep while drinking because he’s homeless and has nowhere to sleep. This, this is my country. And these, these are my people. I love them but I’m slightly ready to move to Canada soon.

The bartender had chased my girlfriend out of the bar once before, because my girlfriend goes to a posh college in Connecticut and is posh-looking (which translates here as “not utter white-trash”) and thus attracted attention to herself and got carded and thrown out. Now, we went up to the bar to present her ID, for her first legal drink.

The bartender gave me a knowing leer after she read my girlfriend’s age. “21!” she said, with the knowing leer. “She’s very mature for her age!” I yelled, because it was loud in the bar. “They all say that!” she said. Indeed.

My girlfriend got a beer — a Rolling Rock, a terrible choice for a first drink, by the way. Rolling Rock? Whatever. Then I decided to be funny, which is why it’s brutal to date me. I am always trying to be funny, I am always testing out material for essays, like I’m on stage. Because why? Because tout, au monde, existe pour aboutir à un livre, that’s why. Because the whole world exists to end up in a book. That’s why. Also because I did not want to tell my girlfriend that I was moving to Canada, which might likely lead to a break-up. So I was stalling.

I was stalling, trying to be funny — and I’m old, old for my girlfriend, at least, so as my girlfriend sat down I said to her, “Well, old salt, now you’re sitting down and taking my place at the bar. Guess I’m getting older. Soon, I’ll be dead…” Then I stopped.

Then I realized what I was doing. I was doing my dad. “OMG!” I said, because I started saying “OMG” ironically, then forgot that I was doing it ironically, and now I do it all the time. “OMG. My dad…” I had to tell my girlfriend that night that I was moving to Canada, which I had just learned that afternoon, but I was afraid to do that. “My dad,” I said.

_____

My father is an architect. He is a very cautious person. Before I knew him, in blurry sepia or Kodachrome photographs, he was not a cautious person. He was a hippie. He got thrown in jail for supporting civil rights. He did LSD, mescaline, peyote. He was an alcoholic. He dodged the draft. He dropped out of school to go to Canada, then realized halfway through that doing that was a terrible idea. He lived in a commune. He helped send medical supplies to the Vietcong. In response to this, the FBI sent FBI agents to his dad’s door. His father was not pleased.

But that was all before I ever met him. These days, my father is a very cautious person. He drives below the speed limit. He’s an architect. Part of his job is designing stable houses, making sure that houses don’t collapse on people. He uses a T-square. He does calculations in his head. He puts his pants on one leg at a time.

This is already not a very short story. I am not good at the art of compression. Okay. Once and only once, I made the mistake of bringing a girlfriend back to my father’s house. We were in grad school; I told her it would be fun. I meant “fun” in sort of a kitschy way, I guess. Like how going to, say, a museum devoted to the history of the bottle cap, with exhibits of bottle caps behind glass, like how that’s not exactly fun fun, but is sort ironically “fun” and is the sort of thing that you do if you’re in a certain mindset. Visiting my family is sort of like that.

I brought the girlfriend home. Apparently, no one had ever “stayed over” with a person that they were having sex with at my dad’s house before. I was unaware of this. This was a mini-scandal that was happening in the background that I was unaware of; blissfully unaware of. It’s like how if someone farts when the Queen Mother is visiting Australia and her attendants are scandalized but the Queen Mother is 105 years old and deaf with no sense of smell, but all this stuff is happening in the background, like the farter being taken outside and shot, but meanwhile, she’s blissfully unaware. It was like that. I was like the Queen Mother in this scenario. What is it with me and the weird metaphors today?

Anyway, panicked phone calls were being made and hurried backroom conferences were being held. This resulted in the startling announcement that the sleeping conditions were being suddenly upgraded for my girlfriend and me that night! We would get to sleep at a nearby nice hotel! What? My girlfriend and I were in a state of maximum confusion during all of this. I blame my psychotic step-mom for all of it, but that’s another story.

So our visit was slightly cut short, but before it was, my girlfriend — Carrie, I’ll just call her Carrie, because that’s her name — went outside and started to climb the large oak tree in our backyard, the one we had nailed our hammock to. Carrie was adventurous and bold; she owned a motorcycle. It had never, in my entire life, occurred to me to climb that tree. I stood there by the door, watching. What a charming girlfriend that I had! What a charming if slightly recherché thing to do, climbing a tree like that! I watched her clamber up the various branches.

Then my dad came out screeching.

“You’ve got to get down from there!” he said.

He repeated that sort of request, sort of demand until my girlfriend started to climb down. “It’s a soft oak!” he said. This sounded very science-y. Soft oak. Oh, of course! It’s a soft oak. Dangerous. Soft. Soft branches. That’s why we had never climbed it before. Later on I looked this up and there is of course no such thing as a “soft oak.”

She got out of the tree. “Sorry but it’s very dangerous,” my dad said. As she got out of the tree and stopped having fun — moment, ruined — my entire life flashed through my eyes and I realized why I was a pussy who was terrible at sports and neurotic and afraid of everything. I was a pussy because of course I was. Soft oak.

_____

This is not, however, the story that I told my current girlfriend — this is back at the bar, her name is Julia, remember? — this is not the story that I told Julia after I bought her a Rolling Rock. Instead I told her the story of the time that my father took me to the school bus for the first time. “Soon I’ll be dead…” I said, and then I remembered the story.

It was a beautiful day at the end of August. My father took me to ride the school bus for the first time by myself. I was five. In the years before this, they had driven me to school. Bees were buzzing, leaves were falling, etc. The late-summer sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new.

My father was standing with me at the end of our driveway, either smoking a cigarette or tapping his foot impatiently — he does both of those things a lot, and they’re both kind of the same thing, in a way.

My father is not much of a talker — I have an essay coming up later on about the longest conversation that I ever had with him. It lasted about three and a half minutes. He tends to leave the room and start messing around with a piece of wood or a computer or a drafting table. You’ll start talking to him and he’ll leave the room. It took me decades to realize that he did this because he’s shy. For years I thought he did it because he was mean. This is in fact why I became a writer. Because I would go on car rides with him — he’d have to drive me to high school, a hour-long drive — and he couldn’t leave the room, he was stuck there in the car, so he just wouldn’t respond when I spoke to him. This made me think that I was incredibly boring, so I put more and more effort into polishing my anecdotes, being interesting and funny. It didn’t work on my dad, but I still do it, which is how I became a writer.

My dad was forced to talk that day, though — or at least felt compelled to talk. It was a big day, a big event. A seminal event. Riding the bus to school for the first time. Thus far in my life, I had mastered shoe-tying. Now I would have to master this.

My dad cleared his throat. He started trying to be funny but no one in my family is very good at being funny. I really had to start from scratch with the funny thing. Generations of Millers have been unfunny. We were English and prissy and not funny and then we came to America where we were promptly also not funny. Sometimes we are drunken or very sarcastic, or often both, but that is not the same as being funny.

“So, son,” he said, in a “jovial” tone of voice. “Today you’re standing here, getting ready for your first bus ride. Now you’re getting older. You’re just a kid now, but soon you’ll be in middle school — and then in high school, then you’ll be getting your first car, a convertible, maybe, and I’ll be out here in the yard, raking leaves, an old man with gray hair. And then you’ll drive past the house in your convertible, with all your new high school friends, and I’ll yell to you, ‘Oliver, Oliver, it’s me, your dad! Hey!’ but you won’t hear me. You’ll drive on by. And then you’ll leave.”

This is a lot to lay on a five-year-old all at once. Granted, my dad was trying to be funny — failing, but still trying. Still, it’s pretty much the entire horrible life-cycle laid out in a couple of sentences. Youth, aging, old age, transience, death. I guess my father meant “leave for college” when he said “leave” at the end, but in my addled brain I thought he meant leave him forever and then he’d die.

Anyway, my reaction was not good. “DADDY, NO!” I screamed. “I’LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.” I burst into tears. We cancelled the bus thing for that day. He took me to school. So much for speechifying. By the way — by the by, I guess — I never learned to drive a car on my own until I was 23 years old. I blame my dad’s speech for this.

…And that was the story that I told my girlfriend at the bar. I hadn’t told her about Canada. Maybe I wouldn’t tell her about Canada yet, or at all. My girlfriend; I always have a girlfriend, because I am co-dependent. I always have a girlfriend. And I never dump them. I just annoy them passive-aggressively until they end up dumping me. It’s a very passive-aggressive decision on my part. And I do it, because… I do it because I won’t be the one to say goodbye like that. I will not leave people behind like that. I will not leave people behind. …And sometimes, I think the story with my dad explains everything that has ever happened to me.

“Sometimes,” I said to my girlfriend, “I think the story with my dad explains everything that has ever happened to me.” Then she drank her beer and I drank my fake beer and we both sat there for a while. TC Mark

Read This

More from Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog Videos


    • Michaelwg

      Want to do a dad swap? Mine never shuts his face-hole.
      It’s why I never speak unless spoken too.

    • http://gravatar.com/mpiotro2 Megan

      Weird question, but can I ask how long it took you to write this? (swear I’m not trying to imply anything else by this).

      • https://thoughtcatalog.com/ Oliver Miller

        Um, I wrote it in a sort of panicked rush because I needed something for today. Urgh, my procrastinating takes much much longer than the actual writing, but we can’t count that. The actual WRITING part is quick. So, two hours? Three hours? Three hours plus twenty-eight hours of procrastinating, let’s say.

        • mpiotro2

          Really? I’ll just pretend you said 3 weeks so I’ll feel less bad about my own attempts at short stories lol

        • http://www.facebook.com/melysamartinez Melysa Martinez

          This makes me feel way better. I spent two days writing an essay the other day, and then ended scrapping the 80 words I was able to squeeze out in two days and write the piece as it was meant to be in an hour. It’s draining.

        • http://www.facebook.com/melysamartinez Melysa Martinez

          BTW, I loved this line: :”the whole world exists to end up in a book. “

    • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/a-very-short-story/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

      […] Thought Catalog » Life Add a comment […]

    • http://twitter.com/ReidMcC Reid (@ReidMcC)

      This is one of the best pieces I’ve read on Thought Catalog, thanks for posting it.

    • http://twitter.com/vintagevixenCT Emma (@vintagevixenCT)

      I just sent this to my boyfriend and he said “That guy sounds so much like me that I could hear my voice telling the story.”
      Awesome post.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kate.clawson Kate Clawson

      You’re fantastic, I always get excited when I see you’ve written something new here. Also, I’d like to volunteer to be your next girlfriend. So there’s that.

    • guest

      you sound like holden caulfield a lot of the time

      • https://thoughtcatalog.com/ Oliver Miller

        I like that Holden Caulfield though I don’t think I write much like J.D. does, er, did.

        • korissa

          I agree wholeheartedly! I was thinking the whole time of how you remind me of Holden Caulfield, which reminded me of an old lover who remindes me.of Holden Caulfield and now I’m nostalgiac and feeling a bit hollow inside. Great piece

    • http://www.facebook.com/akarifin Anderson K. Arifin

      There better be a friggin Part 2 to this story because I will freak out and SCREAM if there is not.

      • https://thoughtcatalog.com/ Oliver Miller

        There is definitely no part two, but I have that thing about the conversation with my dad, once I get over the five days of procrastination needed to write it (see above). I’m sure there will be stuff about moving to Canada and girlfriend, etc., but I need that to happen first before I can write a 3,500 word essay with too many digressions in it.

    • Maja

      Seems you’ve managed to become both a great writer and funny at the same time :D

    • http://agirlwho.wordpress.com the girl

      propers, this is beautiful and strange.

    • http://technicolourfigment.tumblr.com/ ponybangs

      Did you know that googling “Oliver Miller Writer” (because just your name results in pages about a basketball player I didn’t know existed until just now) leads to search suggestion “awesome writer”? Anyway, I just wanted to say: I’d purchase your book even if the topic was something like “My hairy toes” or something else I find appalling. Also, I just read pages and pages of articles you’ve written on thought catalog.

    • Helga Brekke Mathisen

      The shitty bar remark made me think Pennsylvania is just like my home town Sandvika, Norway. But then again Norway is always compared to Canada. Sensible, law obiding, healthy nature stuff is good, but without the occasional smoking trash I am nothing.

    • Guest

      This started out as an inane piece of bullshit but managed to rescue itself with a meaningful ending. Well done?…

      • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller

        I often sort of go that route, I think. Sometimes, I even make the beginning slightly inane on purpose, to trick people and make them think the essay is going to be about something that it isn’t really about? Because I like essays that do that. I’m crazy, I knows.

    • http://twitter.com/NikaFromPeopleG Nika (@NikaFromPeopleG)

      I will pay you to teach me to write.
      I don’t have a lot of money, but cigarettes are cheap here.

    • Christina

      Kinda reminds me of Jonathan Ames’s writing, in some weird sense.

    • amanda

      loved this article. wasn’t in the mood to read and process something long but the tone and writing sucked me in. i like how everything feels a bit disconnected, a bit digressive, but it all makes sense.

    • Wesley

      I love the whole tone of this piece. It’s very Salinger like.

    • http://www.facebook.com/anna.scott Anna Scott

      I agree to the Salinger likeness in this piece, and you ARE Holden Caulfieldesque just in general; one of my most favorite characters ever! I’ve gone back through your essays/articles and read ALOT of them in the last few days. Good stuff. You really should compile a book of your autobiographical essays- you’d be like a straight David Sedaris.
      Also, I’m interested in being your next girlfriend, too. Why Canada? That sounds terrible.

    • M.-K.

      I really loved this. At first I wanted to hate you but by the end I really kind of liked you a lot and your writing is, as another comment stated, reminiscent of Holden Caulfield. Not Salinger himself, but I really do hear Caulfield’s voice in this. This is the kind of thing I expect from Thought Catalog, man.

    • ls

      murphy ref, nice

      • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller

        also there is another very obscure reference

    • cocoblogs

      Holden, another good one. You are the only reason I log onto this wretched site anymore. Cheers to sobriety, 2 mo. for me.

    • http://werwanderflugen.tumblr.com Preston

      This article reminded me of an episode of Louie, albeit more lighthearted. Just wonderful.

      Do you write plays? I think your voice would be wonderful spoken in that medium.

    • http://www.facebook.com/amrita.tapadia Amrita Tapadia

      Great article – I felt like you were just introspecting and let all your thought flow out through your fingers. Just loved how you ended it –

      “I never dump them. I just annoy them passive-aggressively until they end up dumping me. It’s a very passive-aggressive decision on my part. And I do it, because… I do it because I won’t be the one to say goodbye like that. I will not leave people behind like that. I will not leave people behind.”

      I do exactly that :/

    • Nick

      So I’ve always wondering about upbringing, nature vs. nurture, etc. My question is : do you sincerely believe that you can justify the person you’ve become from stories like this about your childhood… or do you think you’re just pegging meaning to the stories to fit the way you’ve grown up.

      It bugs me….because I’d like to believe life is more complex that a writer’s tale of maturation. I like movies and books, but it would be awesome if real life weren’t as simple as justifying a character through one small story.

      Now I’m kinda not directly stating my point here, and with your vagueness in the story, you’ve already kinda answered my interrogation, but it’d be cool to hear your thoughts.

      -me

      • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller

        I don’t really think that the person I’ve become is based on stories like this from my childhood. As a narrator, I was trying to be intentionally unreliable. Perhaps, you might say, I was trying to shift the problem of me not being able to talk to my girlfriend onto something or someone else.

    • Wendigo

      Okay yeah, you’re my favorite author here. Congrats! Let’s throw you a party. We have to do that.

    blog comments powered by Disqus