44-year-old Patricia Krentcil was recently arrested in Nutley, New Jersey, and charged with child endangerment, and whooo I can’t even finish this sentence; just look at that still image from the video! Okay, okay. I can do this.

Ms. Krentcil was accused of child endangerment for allegedly putting Anna, her six-year-old daughter, in a tanning bed. Anna showed up later on at school with slight burns. When a school nurse asked Anna how she got burned, the little girl replied: “I go tanning with mommy.” However, Ms. Krentcil vehemently denied this version of events, saying, “…It didn’t happen. …Yes, she does go tanning with mommy, but not in the booth.” Patricia Krentcil is out on $2,500 bail.

Intriguing stuff! But where, exactly, does the truth lie? Well, if this humble reporter could quickly pause here and offer his own opinion… So, I feel we should probably all just listen to Ms. Krentcil, and go along with her version of events. After all, she clearly knows when TANNING IS APPROPRIATE AND WHEN IT ISN’T. …She clearly knows just exactly how far to go with tanning, is what I’m saying.

…Anyway, and in other tanning-related news, a confused Oliver Miller was caught staring at the above video for a good five minutes today, while sitting in front of his computer in his pajamas. He was heard muttering the following words to himself: “Can I actually write about this? This is a… parody, right? This has to be a joke. This has to be a goddamn joke.”

It is not a joke.