In news that is exciting for internet writers like me, a Wisconsin man is protesting that an all-you-can-eat restaurant did not provide him with all the fish he could eat. This is exciting for people like me because it’s just like that old Simpsons episode where Homer Simpson did the exact same thing — so, easy pop culture references, haha. And then we get paid. For typing them. And then the circle of life is complete.
Anyway, this past Friday, a Mr. Bill Wisth was thrown out of Chuck’s Place, in Theinsville, Wisconsin. The 6’6”, 350 pound man whose last name I have no idea how to pronounce — Wist? Withith? Wispfffth? — was tossed from the restaurant after scarfing down 20 pieces of fish; which is a lot of fish, yes, but which still was not sufficient fish for his needs. So here’s the news video about that… Watch in real-time, as the joy in the local news reporter’s eyes dies, as she realizes that — yes, she really does have to report on this, and that her B.A. in Broadcast Journalism was all for naught:
Okay, first, wait — seriously? “Annie Scholz is live in Theinsville to report on this true fish tale”? That’s some fucking bullshit, local news. That’s the pun that you went with? That’s fucking terrible. How about this instead: “Some people might call Bill Wisth crazy for wasting his time protesting a restaurant. …But for the moment, at least, it seems that he doesn’t have any other… ‘fish to fry.'” …Aaaah, that’s terrible too. Never mind, gawd. Ga-aaawd.
And by the way, here are the two “Top Comments” on YouTube that are right under the news video… I’m so excited! What will they be like? Calm? Rational? Insightful? …Unhinged? …Psychotic?
You fat, lazy, piece of trash… And fuck this news station for even putting broadcasting this… how can anybody consider this news worthy? I really hope something makes this guy realise how worthless and greedy he is.
—YourPalHDee 3 hours ago, 14 likes
Fat fucking pig. People in the world are starving and this sack of shit can’t eat enough. God helps us.
—rocketestates 5 hours ago, 7 likes
…Ah, yes. YouTube comments! Whoooo. This made me think, though, because YouTube comments, with their always-awesome level of discourse, always make me think. …It made me think that I’m going to take Bill Wisth’s side on this one. Only one side though, because I can’t get my arms around to reach the other one! Because he’s fat! That’s a fat joke.
Man, though, that Bill Wisth is a portly fellow, isn’t he? I mean, when he pickets around the block, he really pickets around the block. I stole that joke from a Garfield comic strip. Which is lazy. But not as fat and lazy as Bill Wisth, though. Man, he so fat an’ so lazy, he wouldn’t even bother to finish this sente
Ahahahahaha! Man, this is great, though. But no, my actual feelings about Bill Wisth are that he’s a hero. Yes, I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but truly, Bill Wisth is the greatest American hero who has ever lived. That’s not true. That’s a reference from the Simpsons seafood episode that I finally got around to making. I think that he’s a little annoying, actually, and his last name really bugs me because I keep typing the “t” and the “h” in the wrong places. But that’s just me.
Okay. I’mma shut up now. But I throw the question open to you, the gentle reader! Bill Wisth, hero… or goat? Should a man really be entitled to all he can eat, no matter what? And fat people! Gross, or just mildly yucky? And skinny people! Awesome and sexy, or condescending buttwipes who can’t possibly understand the problems of fatties, and what is the deal with making fun of fatties, anyway? How is it still okay to make fun of them, when it’s now basically un-okay to mock any group ever? And how come even the local news is being kinda condescending and dickish like that? It’s only a story because we’re mocking him, right? But that’s okay because fat people…. suck? And how much fish can you eat?
See; so many questions. Answer them, Thought Catalog readers, and don’t be horrible like YouTube commentators. I double goddamn dare you.