Before they killed Heath Ledger, the Olsen twins were monkey-faced prepubescents who starred on the show Full House, a show that was so bad that I could tell it was terrible when I was a six-year-old. “That’s implausible,” I would mutter at the screen.
Then, the internet decided that the Olsen twins were hot, and then there was an internet “countdown” until the day that they were “street legal.” Then, they released the movie New York Minute, which was their “we’re hot now but this is still sort of a kids’ movie” movie. Then they killed Heath Ledger, went to NYU, and became typical anorexic-handbag-fashion-designers-who-killed-Heath-Ledger… sorts of people. Now, we’ve sort of lost track of them. Although Ryan O’Connell still makes jokes about them, I think.
ANY-hoo, I went to church to go to an A.A. meeting yesterday, which is what the Olsen twins should be doing, while also praying for the salvation of Heath Ledger’s soul and atoning for their sins. For sale at the church jumble outside the A.A. meeting was a copy of the movie novelization of New York Minute. It cost two bits. I also bought an automatic card-shuffler, because I can’t shuffle cards and I’ve always wanted one. That cost fifty cents. You are now up-to-date on my life.
According to a (hopefully) seven-year-old’s review on Amazon, here is what the movie/book New York Minute is about, more or less:
Ruining high heels and getting drenched in disgusting sewer water are the least of Roxy and Jane Ryan’s problems. Roxy and Jane Ryan are total opposites who are strangely brought together because of two strange men who chase them through town. Officer Lomax is trying [to] hunt Roxy down for skipping school and forging her dad’s signature. A man named Bennie is searching around New York City for Jane, to get his microchip back. It’s going to be hard trying to get the chip back to Bennie because a dog, Reinaldo ate it. They travel around the city in towels trying to find Bennie. Jane gets kidnapped and finds out that Bennie sells pirated movies, CDs, and DVDs.
…Which sort of makes sense. And it is going to be hard to give a microchip back after a dog has eaten it. And pooping! This means there has to be a poop joke in the novelization somewhere. So I skimmed through it. Here, presented without commentary, are random-ish excerpts from New York Minute: The Movie Novelization. I did not find the poop part.
NEW YORK MINUTE
by Eliza Willard
Based on the motion picture screenplay by
Emily Fox and Adam Cooper
& Bill Collage
Story by Emily Fox
- Jane sat up straight, looked at herself in the vanity mirror, and began to practice her speech. “…My name is Jane Ryan and I’m here today as a finalist for the McGill Fellowship.” Perfect. Her alarm watch beeped. Uh-oh. Time for a shower.
- “Morning, schmorning,” Roxy grumbled.
- “Why are we stopping?” Jane asked. “We have twenty-six minutes to get to the train station.”
- “Put your hands up where I can see them!” Lomax ordered. “It’s not you I’m after, boys. It’s the girl, Roxanne Ryan. Where is she?”
- “All aboard!” the conductor shouted. “Except for you,” he warned Jane.
- “Relax?” Jane cried. “How am I supposed to relax? My relaxation tips are in my day planner!”
- “Don’t hit me,” Jane said.
- “We’re going to have to jump,” Roxy said.
- “I’ll trade you this watch for two sets of clothes,” Jane offered.
- “I said I needed an ambulance, not a shower!” Jane sputtered.
- “It’s a beauty salon,” Jane said. “Maybe they can help me get cleaned up for my presentation!”
- “It’s the curve balls that make life interesting,” Big Shirl said. “Shows us what we’re made of. And sometimes, if we’re real lucky, there’s a blessing waiting for us at the end of that wrong turn.”
- Roxy smiled a little. Trey could see right through her. She liked that in a guy. “…So basically you see Jane as trying to run your life, and she sees you as trying to run yours,” Trey said after she had finished.
- No note cards. No speech. Where was it? “Oh no,” she muttered.
- “First of all, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Hudson McGill.” Jane gasped. “…Of the McGill Fellowship?” she said.
- He held up a small pile of tattered, rainbow-colored note cards. “…My speech!” Jane cried.
- “I’m going to miss you, Rox,” Jane said. …Roxy hugged her sister tightly.
- “I’ll see you in England in six weeks!”
- “Good luck with the tour!”
So. I’m still not sure which one is the straight-laced one and which is the mildly rebellious brat, or who’s going to England, or who’s going on tour, or who ends up with Trey, or how Eugene Levy making his standard Eugene-Levy-ish face factors into it. If I had to pick my favorite line from the book, it would be Jane saying “Don’t hit me.” I imagine her saying this plaintively, solemnly, with courage but also with fear. But she also wants it, a little. Yes she does.
Here are some titles of other Oslen twin novels, as listed for sale in the back of New York Minute: The Movie Novelization. You can also buy Olsen twin calenders, and also — bewitchingly, mystifyingly — you can buy Olsen twin brand rugs: “Look for the Mary-Kate & Ashley brand of area rugs at a flooring retailer near you.” Here are the titles of some of the other books:
- It’s a Twin Thing
- Two’s a Crowd
- Calling All Boys
- Surprise, Surprise!
- Bye-Bye Boyfriend
- It’s Snow Problem
- Let’s Party!
…All which should be helpful when researching my PhD thesis: “The Mirror Crack’d From Side to Side: Doubling, Negation, and the Image of ‘The Other’ in the Novels of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.” Okay. That’s enough out of me for now. And if anyone wants to buy the novelization of New York Minute, or a (slightly) used card-shuffler, let me know in the comments.