Here’s Your New Dark Knight Rises Trailer

HEY THE NEW BATMAN MOVIE TRAILER IS OUT! Let’s over-analyze it, shall we? Because when it comes to over-analyzing comic book movie trailers, I am your boy-yyyy, son. …I mean, I really don’t “front” when it comes to over-analyzing.

First, the trailer itself:

Now, let’s begin–

Christian Bale Sad Beard factor: Nothing says “sad” like a sad beard. Or like a sad wispy beard. Nothing more to say here, really. Grade: A-plus

Allusions to terrorism, Occupy Wall Street, and health care reform: You want allusions? This movie’s got em’! Except for the health care part. What we really need is Batman as a spokesman for heath care reform. “This city needs… a single-payer system.” “Batman, you’ve given this city everything.” “Not… a single-payer system.” Grade: B

Michael Caine mopeyness factor: An entire generation will now remember Michael Caine as “that mopey butler who’s always vaguely disapproving of things.” Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that. Grade: C-minus

Why is Joseph Gordon-Levitt in this movie again? So he’s supposed to be a hard-boiled detective now? Ho-kay. Maybe he can go all 500 Days of Summer on us, and deliver alternating monologues about how Batman is “adorkable” but also has irritating commitment issues. Whateves. Grade: B-minus

Hines Ward factor: He scored a touchdown! But now he’s sad. Just like everyone else in this movie. Grade: A-minus

The silent staring faces of sad children: The silent staring faces of sad children are likewise also sad. Grade: C

The many moods of Batman: So he’s stoic, stoic, stoic, and… also stoic. Gotcha. Check. Grade: B

Mumble Bane factor: He’s less mumble-y this time around! Frankly, I preferred it in the first trailer when he was all, “When Gotham is ashes, you have my permission to cough mumble blurgh.” Still, his overall hard-to-understand-ness presents the possibility of hilarity. “…I need you to blow up that bridge.” “You need us to slow up that fridge?” “I need you to blow up that bridge.” “You need us to flow up that ridge?” “I need… you… to blow up that bridge.” “You’re a fan of Washington Nationals’ pitcher Brad Lidge?” Oh god I’m so funny. Grade: B-minus

Catwoman costume silliness factor: The costume silliness is off the charts, frankly. And no one beats Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. And why’d we pick Anne Hathaway again? You do not… come into Michelle’s house like that… girl. Not wearing that silly mask, at least. Grade: D-minus

Batman costume silliness factor: Batman’s costume has always looked silly in these movies, especially in close-ups. I know you love these movies, but just admit it. It’s gradually looking less silly over the course of three movies, because in Batman Begins, it looked like he had bunny wabbit ears on his head, and I just couldn’t deal at all. And now it’s better, but still kinda silly. Maybe if we give Nolan five or six more movies, he’ll get it right, though. Grade: F

Why is everyone so sad all the time? Yeah, yeah, Gotham’s in trouble, got it. But everyone’s so good-looking and rich! Well, except for Bane. Bane’s not rich, and thus is understandably p.o.’ed. But everyone else is either (1) Batman, or (2) Hanging out with Batman.

Man, if I were hanging out with Batman, it’d be the first thing I’d think about when I woke up in the morning, and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep at night. “…Maybe he’ll take me to the cave today! Maybe he’ll have a new bike! Oh my god I love my life so much.” You don’t really want me to get into what things would be like if I was inserted into these movies, though. But the people in these movies should be a little happier, I think. Grade: C

Catwoman/Batman banter factor: My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men.” Oh, c’mon. Who would say that? I, personally, would be like: “Is this the Batwing? And we get to fly in it? This is the best day of my life; seriously, really.”

And then I’d be like: “Cheer up, Catwoman. You know what you remind me of? When you see a really hot girl walking down the streets of Manhattan and she’s passionately scowling. And you want to be like, ‘…The f-ck are you scowling about? You’re hot and you live in the best city in the world. Lighten up.’ …That’s what I want to say to you, Catwoman. ‘Lighten up.’ Things are great and there’s a new Batman movie coming out whooooo yay!” Grade: A  Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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