The 2012 NBA Playoff Guide: Part One

Oh hai there. And welcome back to Thought Catalog™, the emo-y-est website on the internet! The website that has been called “the Montessori school of the internet” by another, much meaner website. I’ve been writing for Thought Catalog for a while now, and based on the fan mail that I receive, I have noticed that our readers do fall into certain semi-predictable patterns. And so, if you are reading this, you are probably one of the following:

1. A girl!
2. A cutter!
3. A homosexual!
4. A women’s studies major.
5. A girl homosexual.
6. A girl homosexual cutter women’s studies major.
7. And so on and so forth…

Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that! And hey, I went to Montessori school, so f-ck it. (And in college, I took one women’s studies class which I then dropped two weeks later. Because why? Because b-tches are crazy, that’s why.)

But still, sometimes it’s good to stop talking about all this emo sh-t and just, like, scratch our balls and drink beer, y’know? And talk about sports. But you don’t know anything about sports. But you try to fake it. “Oh, I root for the New York Yankees football club,” you say. “They were really beating the hell out of the Los Angeles Rangers in the third period of the on-side kickoff.” No! Those things are all incorrect!

Sadly, the only sport I know anything about is basketball. But I love me some basketball. And so, I present to you THE 2012 NBA PLAYOFF GUIDE. “…NBA” means “National Basketball Association,” and their playoffs are about to start. Eight teams make the playoffs from each conference — there are two “conferences,” the East and the West — and they play until there is only one team left from each conference. And then the two remaining teams play in the NBA Finals to determine who is the champion. So that’s sixteen teams, playing over the course of a month or so, to determine one ultimate winner. …You got all that?

And so, you may find yourself at some boring cocktail party or women’s studies interdepartmental meeting, and find the need to bluff your way out with some basketball talk. And so, I’m here to help.

_____

THE 2012 N.B.A.P.G.

Or, “How to bluff your way through a conversation about basketball”

PART ONE:  THE EASTERN CONFERENCE

_____

THE EASTERN CONFERENCE:

Atlantic Division

1) Boston Celtics: Boston is in first place in the Atlantic Division, because the Atlantic division is ter–rrrrible. Being first in this division is like being the hottest girl in Waterloo, Iowa. Yeah, that’s great and all, but you still live in f-cking Iowa. Anyway, Boston is in first, which means that they’re solidly mediocre.

In conversation, say things like, “Can Kevin Garnett hold it together for another year? How many more miles can he run on the treadmill?” And: “Did putting Rondo on the trade-block just f-ck with his head and screw up all the ubuntu that Doc Rivers had going on?”

2) New York Knicks: F-ck tha Knicks! F-ck tha Knicks! I’m from Philadelphia, so I hate the Knicks the way that normal people hate Sarah Palin. (How’s that for a topical reference?) Anyway, you may have heard something about their point guard Jeremy Lin and “Linsanity,” which is a stupid word. Point out that despite all the hype, Lin is in fact a terrible point guard. “In fact, he has the highest turnover rate ever recorded in the NBA.”

Then pause and smile knowingly. “It’s all up to Carmelo Anthony — again — but he’s got that whole ‘Ewing Theory’ thing going on. Melo’s good, but he doesn’t make good teams any better.” Smile knowingly again, then dash away from whomever you were talking to and eat an hors d’oeuvre, or scarf down some wine and cheese or something. Then get the hell out of there.

3) Philadelphia 76ers: Aaaaaah! As if being from Philadelphia wasn’t horrible enough to start with, the Sixers started the season strong but are now terrible, and are in danger of missing the playoffs. The problem is, we have no star player, plus the players hate their coach. So focus on that for your cocktail party talk.

“Does Andre Igoudala set the standard for ‘slightly above-average-ness,’ or what?” And: “Every single team ever has gotten burned out on Doug Collins. He’s just too intense for this earth. When he coached the Bulls, he’d get so fired up that he’d cry after every game. How can anyone play for a coach that cries?”

_____

Central Division

1) Chicago Bulls: “The Bulls are like a finely meshed, uh, mesh-y thing of interchangeable parts.” “They’re sort of relentless in that T2: Judgement Day kind of way. They’re not the fastest or the strongest, but eventually they wear you down at like a constant 10mph speed.” “They’re great, and they should be great by now — they were in the lottery for, what, fifteen years?” “That Luol Deng… he’s the Deng-iest!” Okay, I’m sort of bluffing my way through this one too.

2) Indiana Pacers: Frankly, it’s enough even to remember that Indiana has a basketball team. By try this, if you must: “Boy, do those Pacers suck, or what?” Or just say whatever. No one gives a sh-t about the Indiana Pacers.

_____

Southeast Division

1) Miami Heat: The only thing you have to remember is that LeBron James is on the Heat, and he’s the worst person ever, and so you must root against them. LeBron broke the hearts of everyone in Ohio by leaving Cleveland for Miami (even though he was from the Cleveland area) — as though life in Cleveland wasn’t terrible enough already, and as though life in Miami wasn’t awesome enough already.

Practice saying this: “Boy, that LeBron James is the worst person ever, huh? I hope he gets CancerHitlerGonorrheaAIDS.” Or this: “Chris Bosh is like that guy on a TV show that you just forget about, even though he’s competent. Like, say, Eric LaSalle on ER. …What’s that? An ER reference? Yeah; I’m old.”

2) Atlanta Hawks: No one in Atlanta cares that they have a basketball team, so neither should you. Try these on for size: “Josh Smith has a good shot at becoming this generation’s Rick Mahorn if everything pans out for him. Is Hotlanta the dumbest nickname for a city ever, or what? Maybe the Hawks should stop changing their uniforms every two years like some indecisive girlfriend — it just reminds everyone that they suck and have identity issues.”

3) Orlando Magic: You can make the Magic your sleeper Finals pick if you feel like it. They have Dwight Howard, which means they have defense and rebounding, which means they should do well in the playoffs. Dwight Howard is also an awful, whiny, indecisive b-tch who can’t decide if he wants to force the team to trade him or not.

“Dwight Howard is an indecisive b-tch who’s screwing over the city of Orlando just like Shaquille O’Neal did. On the other hand, Orlando is a horrible city in central Florida that’s not even near the beach, so in conclusion, f-ck it.”

UPDATE:  …Okay, forget the “sleeper” part because Dwight Howard hurt his back, possibly as a result of the negative karma he created by dicking Orlando around for an entire year. Or the negative karma that he built up by trying to get his coach fired, take your pick.

_____

Conference Semi-Final picks: Chicago, Miami, Atlanta, New York
Conference Finals picks: Miami over Chicago

Coming next: Part Two

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.