So I asked my editors at Thought Catalog if I could draw cartoons for the site. “The only flaw with the idea is that I can’t draw at all,” I added. Swayed by the force of this nonsensical logic, my editors let me do cartoons anyway.
…Like I said in the italics thingy above: I can’t draw very well. I got f-cked by some glitch in genetics or something. Everyone else in my family can draw really well. My dad’s an architect and can draw anything he wants to perfectly. He can also paint. He painted a reproduction Rembrandt once. It looked exactly like a real Rembrandt. I feel like if I could paint, I would do this sort of thing all the time. But my father’s own talent bores him, apparently. He painted one perfect replica Rembrandt, then stopped, and never did it again. Amazing. …It saddens me when people who are great with stuff just can’t be bothered to be great at it, but that’s my own deal, so let’s just move on.
Instead of drawing, I can write, which isn’t nearly as fun. Still, it’s something, I guess. But got I bored with writing one day, which is when I asked my editors if I could do a cartoon for Thought Catalog.
Drawing makes me nervous, because I’m not very good at it. I guess revealing, say, intimate details about your sex life to thousands of strangers would make most people nervous, but I’ve been doing stuff like that professionally for seven years now, so it’s old-hat to me. Drawing, on the other hand… putting my drawings on this site makes me feel like I’m stepping onto a darkened stage, and then thousands of strangers are going to pelt me with rotten fruit. “Poseur!” these people will then yell. “Fraud!” This must be how most people feel when they write.
But hey; I drew a cartoon, yay! It’s about Krypto, the Superdog. I don’t remember how I had the idea to make a cartoon about Krypto, the Superdog. Drunk? Was I? Probably? …Probably. Probably I was drunk. Anyway, I’ve always found it to be completely bizarre that Superman has a dog. They’ve erased the dog from the new comic books and movies, but at one point, Superman had a dog. A dog from the planet Krypton. A dog who had super powers, and who could fly. A dog who wore a cape like Superman. This is, of course, inherently silly. For example, it would be a lot harder to take the Christian Bale “Batman” movies seriously if he was followed around at all times by, say, a German Shepard wearing rubber body armor and a black cape. I’m just sayin’.
Anyway, I sort of love Krypto. I say the word “anyway” a lot when I am nervous, I think. …So here’s a cartoon about him; my first Thought Catalog Cartoon™. I’m sorry for talking so much, but I’m nervous. Here it is.
THOUGHT CATALOG CARTOON!
Ah ha ha ha ha! Funny! It’s so funny, right? Or awful! I have no idea! I can barely even tell if it makes any sense. BUT IT’S MY FIRST CARTOON EVER, SO BACK OFF.
Ahem. Another reason that I’m talking so much is that my editors told me to include an essay with each cartoon that I did. So. See the Superman symbol in the first panel that I didn’t draw very well? Well, I have a story about that.
The Superman symbol is really really hard to draw. And if you get it even slightly wrong, it looks so sad and off and shaky and ersatz. Here. Go take a look at the Superman symbol. …Then stop looking at it. And then try to draw it yourself. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
…So how’d that go? I bet your symbol looked terrible. It did, didn’t it? Just admit it.
So my mom tells a story about me… that when I was four years old or so, I would sit at the kitchen table for hours, obsessively redrawing the Superman symbol. I would get it wrong, crumple up the paper in anguish, and start over again. And I would do this for hours and hours. I loved Superman so much. It killed me that I couldn’t draw his symbol correctly.
When my mom tells this story about me, it’s meant to be a story of my young burgeoning “artsy-ness,” I think. But what it more makes me think of is that twenty years later, I was diagnosed with OCD.
ANY-way, as that story indicates, I’ve been preparing to fail at this cartoon for my entire life, almost. There’s probably some deeper meaning in here somewhere: something about competition, obsession, love, sadness, and time.
Yes; there’s probably some deeper meaning in here, but… whatever! I did my cartoon! And so, that’s enough writing and talking about it. Whatever! End of cartoon-essay! That is all. …Bye bye for now.