Internet Duo Releases Terrible Song About How Hard It Is To Be Pretty, Predictable Results Ensue

Listen to me: I am very good-looking. I am very, very hot. And you are not. …Because of this, you don’t get the problems that really hot people have, man. And how do I know that you’re not hot? I know that you’re not hot, because you’re reading this. Really hot people don’t read. We’re too busy starting our own line of handbags, appearing in the background of rap videos, and air-kissing those b-tches the Olsen Twins at fashion shows. No time to read stuff on the internet. And that’s how I know you’re not hot: you know how to read.

Being hot is exhausting, and if you think any different you’re a #hater. Frankly, I myself am exhausted. Mostly the exhausting part is fending off people who want to sleep with me. Stop begging me to sleep with you, ugly peons! …God, someone’s texting me right now, begging me for sex. Hold on a sec: “No. N. O. No!” God! I only sleep with celebrities who are slightly past their prime and no-name minor porn stars. Jesus. That’s what you do when you’re hot-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. …Did you see how many “T”s I used there? Right. That’s the level of hotness that I’m talking about. Capisce?

And now, finally, there’s a song that speaks to my pain. Welcome to “Hot Problems,” by the singing duo known as “Double Take.” Welcome to the greatest song ever made, which I am now forcing you to listen to for the second time:

This is great. And the top comment under the YouTube video is this: “This song gave me cancer.” Yeah, it gave you ugly people cancer, probably. The kind that ugly people get? Because you’re ugly, zing. Hot people like me don’t get cancer, or if we do, we get sexy cancer. The kind of cancer that, like, doesn’t stand out in line in the cold, waiting outside your body’s cells, but just gets a free pass through the velvet rope, and then goes up to the Champagne Room, where it starts cancering sh-t up, and acts all… cancer-y? I don’t know what cancer is, to be honest. But hey, I’m hot. So-oooooo hot. Again, see the number of “O”s that I did there? Yeah. You did.

So this song by Double Take — I think they call themselves that because you do a “Double Take” at their hotness, plus there’s two of them — anyway, this song really speaks to my pain. The pain of hotness. “Paihotness,” we call it. No. We don’t. I’m not good at making up words.

But this song really speaks to my paihotness with lyrics like this:

I got the look,

I got the butt,

But those things

Don’t make me a [deleted].

…Just ’cause I’m pretty

I hafta be dumb.

I don’t care about wits,

I just wanna have fun.

Right? Awesome. This song is even better than that Rebecca Black “Friday” song, which was about Friday being the day before Saturday. Whatever. I’m just ending this essay now. I don’t really have to end essays properly, because — right, hot, you’re starting to pick up on that, good. But don’t forget that I have problems. Paihot problems. Okay, whatever, namaste, peace out. TC mark

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  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    When people ask me why I think the level of  pre-undergrad American education is declining, all I do is send them that YouTube link.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1306033657 Andrea Lynema

      You’re right. In fact my education just declined because I just missed 5 minutes of studying because I saw this.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    Congratulations, internet, you’ve just been trolled by 16 year old chicks.

    • kook

      No.

      • Oliver Miller

         Yep; probably.

      • Shade Thrower

        Smh @ the semi-colon use here. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/imandre93 André DeGrime

    I miss Rebecca Black.

  • http://www.facebook.com/imandre93 André DeGrime

    I miss Rebecca Black

  • Abc123

    this is the worst.

  • http://twitter.com/JustinRHoffman Justin

    Too hot. Didn’t read.

  • dewey

    This release of this video HAS to be poking fun at viral culture. Rebecca at least had some sincere intentions in making her video (great production, all of her friends are in the video, etc.) but “Hot Problems” has to be one of the most mundane, brain-dead attempts at getting the Internet public to notice them. Unfortunately, it worked. 

  • https://plus.google.com/u/0/104823831473876010792/posts Audrey Lynn

    This video makes me uncomfortably embarrassed for them. Like, really, really uncomfortable. That’s never a good thing.

    • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

      It sounds like a bad karaoke night too. Autotune would’ve actually helped here. I don’t say that often.

    • LP

      the popular phenomena called “second hand embarrassment”

  • hrfe

    I think that this is part-sincere, part-trolling. I think that the girls know how ridiculous the song is and that it could potentially make them “famous” but they do actually think they are “all that”.

  • Brandon h

    Please don’t enourage these kinds of people by writing about them! They feed off of publicity and being noticed like leeches. They are “Real Housewives” in the making. Don’t fall into their trap!

  • licjulie

    Wait, I guess I’m not getting it – isn’t this video clearly a joke?  Not a good one, I’ll grant you, but still… It seems odd to make fun of something when the creators (unless I’m crazy) are obviously in on the joke…..

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1306033657 Andrea Lynema

    Someone needs to tell these girls that smart hot girls are way hotter than dumb hot girls. (And that they’re not that hot.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=667441091 Archita Trisal

    At first I was like Why did the editor put this mindnumbingly annoying article up on TC? Then I got it. Well done, Sir. 

  • Sherene Chensee

    To some of the comments: Oh c’mon… this video gave me a chuckle. These girls don’t seem to be taking themselves seriously so why should we?

  • Nishant

    What is paihot?

  • Andrew Rowland

    God, the harmonization is like nails on a chalkboard. QUIT SING-TALKING TOGETHER!

  • http://twitter.com/princessology Chakacoaster

    if you’re going to make a spoof video, shouldn’t it actually be, you know, funny or something?

  • http://twitter.com/hotgirlproblems Hot Girl Problems

    That was not hot 

  • http://twitter.com/joshliburdi Josh Liburdi

    totally rebecca blackwave

  • http://www.facebook.com/discobiscuits93 Kayla Ann Stockman

    That “singing” made me wish I didn’t have ears. Oh my god.

  • Daaaaamn

    the future looks bleak as fuck.

    i might get a vasectomy this weekend.

    i hate the idea of trying to raising kids in this world.

  • Smh

    bitches aint even cute.

  • Nicole

    the video is so good the producers wrote ‘we produced this video as a favor’ in the description.

  • http://eugeneelder.blogspot.com/ Donald Eugene Elder

    The problem for the author is, how do you sound more ridiculous than the the song already does? Narrowly managed.

    I’m honestly still not sure if the video is serious or ever supposed to be released to the public.

    • Oliver Miller

      “Narrowly managed,” heh.

  • rose

    aw samantha brick is writing song lyrics now

    • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

      these girls are no samantha brick. her lyrics would be infinitely more beautiful.

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