A 30-Something Plays Angry Birds For 3 Minutes

  1. I am old, probably too old to write for this website. Soon I will die. In the meantime, there’s Angry Birds. …Let’s see what all the fuss is about, shall we?
  2. I’m using my friend Julia’s iPhone for this experiment. I don’t personally own an iPhone, and have only touched one like five times. Old; like I said. I’m 35. When I interact with iPhones, I tend to do “adorkable” things like holding them backwards and upside down, or pressing that one button that makes everything turn off.
  3. So, birds. Okay. Julia helped me to get to the actual game. I kept pressing the button that makes you go backwards or the button that makes everything turn off.
  4. These birds don’t so much look “angry” as they look determined. Or steadfast. Or staunch. Or stout-of-heart. Or some such Shakespearian term like that.
  5. I have no problem with killing pigs, if that’s what it is that we’re actually doing. I worked on a farm for two summers. F-ck pigs. They are the one animal that actually deserves to die. “Kill em’ all!” Do you know that that’s actually, originally, a quote said by the pope in the 14th century? Before he was a pope, he was an army commander. Anyway, and he captured this city, and when his men asked him what to do with the women and children, the soon-to-be-Pope said: “Kill them all, God will know his own.” Whaddanasshole.
  6. I’m already struggling to avoid talking about Angry Birds. In case you’re wondering, my birds are doing things like ricochetting backwards and flying wildly off target. But how much can be expected from a guy who can’t even touch an iPhone without accidentally turning it off? I can’t even believe that I write for the internet, to be honest. We didn’t even have the internet when I was a kid. It’s good that I’m still actually writing this without accidentally pressing the button that turns the whole internet off.
  7. Anyway, pigs, so gross. They eat their own excrement. You might know that already, but wait until you actually work on a farm and actually watch them do this. So much for pleasant thoughts of Babe and Babe Pig in the City and Wilbur. Bye, bye; bye, bye.
  8. Kill all pigs. I have eventually managed to hit something with a bird.
  9. I don’t understand what the different types of birds do. I’m sure they have different types of powers, but if I feel like if I do anything different with this iPhone, like trying to get instructions or something, I’ll turn the iPhone off.
  10. I turned it off. Restarting.
  11. Piglets are incredibly cute in real life, though, if you were wondering. Baby piglets are as cute as adult pigs are disgusting.
  12. I am vaguely mastering how to be Really Bad at This Game, as opposed to just misfiring and having my birds bounce backwards.
  13. I got hit in the head by a bird once. I was walking down the street in Manhattan, when a bird thwacked me in the head. I thought birds would have bird-dar or something to prevent that from ever happening. It hit me in the head; it didn’t hurt, but I had clearly been hit in the head by a bird for no reason, and it was embarrassing. Passers-by saw it happen. I felt dumb, the bird probably felt dumb, the people watching it felt dumb.
  14. And I wanted to shout, “OKAY, SOMETHING EMBARRASSING JUST HAPPENED.” Because without saying anything, I was just a dork who had just had a bird fly into his overlarge head. I wanted to acknowledge it in some way. But I said nothing. You can’t just shout stuff on the sidewalk like that. Anyway, that was as close as I ever came to a real life Angry Birds thing, I guess.
  15. So I am playing this game on a cell phone. Oh, the future. I still remember the first cell phone that I ever had. I was in middle school, so, what, that’s like 1989? It came with a shoulder bag. My dad was very “techie” and liked inventions. Plus my dad’s greatest fear is that one day, somehow, one of his children will be out of contact with him and then will be trapped under a boulder or something. Hence, he gave us all cell phones.
  16. So the phone, like I said, had it’s own heavy shoulder-bag/ briefcase with a strap thing. The phone itself came out of a side pocket with a coiled cord. But still, it was a cell phone. You could walk around talking on it, without it being plugged into your house, which had never happened before.
  17. I never talked on it. I never wanted it. I took it to middle school on my first day and slammed it into my locker and hid it in my locker for the rest of the year. I was already a nerd. Walking around with some huge piece of 1980s technology that no one had ever seen before would have just called attention to myself, and would have made me even-nnn less popular.
  18. Anyway, so that’s how I still feel about cell phones. I hate them. Including this iPhone.
  19. I passed the first level, which was clearly designed so that even people who are awful at this game can win it eventually.
  20. We also had the internet when I was a kid, in 1989. We were the first people I ever heard of to have the internet. My dad only had it briefly. You had to put the actual phone receiver into a ‘WarGames’-style thing. There was nothing to do when you were on the internet. Nothing existed yet. You could play a text-based “Dungeons & Dragons” thing. Or you could talk to the 2,000 other random people who had the internet. My slightly older step-sisters would use it to flirt with scientists at CalTech: they were the only other people we could locate on the ‘net. …So anyway, that’s what Angry Birds is: cell phone plus internet. Nifty.
  21. Birds. They’re angry. Peeved. I suck at the second level. According to the one thing that I know about this game, it took the developers a while to come up with the idea that the pigs had stolen the birds’ eggs, which would seem like an easy idea to come up with. But so originally, the birds were just angry. They were dicks who were attacking the pigs for no reason. …Sort of like how that bird hit me in the head for no reason.
  22. I lost.
  23. I’m not playing again.
  24. This is the future? Trying to touch things on an iPhone when it’d be easier to use a keypad or maybe just have a phone that didn’t try to be a computer when it’s not good at being a computer yet? …It’s just dumb and I don’t care. But the one nice thing about getting older is that I don’t have to care about stuff that I don’t really care about anymore.
  25. I know I’m not truly old, but I am 35. It’s harder to get people to sleep with me now. If I don’t obey a starvation diet, then I get fat. …But the thing about being 35 is that there’s no more peer pressure. There just isn’t. Peer pressure decreases from the high school variety when you go to college, and it disappears entirely when you’re in your thirties. I don’t have to feign interest in things anymore just because  the majority of people around me are interested in them. And so, I do not care about your “Angry Birds,” as you call them. This is the only good aspect of getting older. I do. Not. Care. Like, someone tried to talk to me about the Fleet Foxes or something the other day, and I was just like, “F-ccccccccck I don’t care. I’m sure they’re a good band, and that just makes me care even less. Just let me like the few good things that I already like. I already have too many books to read and I will always have too many books to read, and that will continue for the rest of my life. I don’t care about Fleet Foxes or iPads or any of it.” So; that’s nice.
  26. Forgive me. I am angry, as you may have noticed from reading my articles. I am a grouchy old dick. Well, that’s what happens. A natural part of the aging process. I am an Angry Oliver. Now, launch me at some f-cking birds. TC mark
Thumbnail image – Angry Birds


More From Thought Catalog

  • Michaelwg

    “the soon-to-be-Pope said: “Kill them all, God will know his own.” Whaddanasshole.” I don’t think that I’m gay, but I kind of want to braid your hair right now. I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but that’s how I feel. You make me feel feelings.

    • Oliver Miller

      That Pope sucked so bad.  His name was Robert of Cessna, think, and I forget his Pope name, but it was John, maybe.  It was during the Papal Schism. Ahh, medieval history.  And watch out for feelings.  Feelings are dangerous!

      • Michaelwg

        John is always a good guess. They always choose names from The Beatles, so odd. I’m waiting for Pope Derick, or Pope Shaquell, or Pope Kevin.
        I wonder if a gynecologist told Pope John that he was experiencing a Papal Schism, “Here are some anti-biotics for that”

  • http://www.facebook.com/pastaqueen Jennette Fulda

    Confession: I had to  put little red and green buttons next to buttons on my phone so I’d stop hanging up on people when I was trying to take their calls. I like to blame the problem on poor interface design by Samsung, but it’s probably because I’m old. I’ve never played Angry Birds, but I’m pretty sure if I did I’d keep turning the phone off too.

  • LC

    ha! it makes me happy knowing other 30-somethings like myself are just as cranky as i am about… life i guess. keep living the dream!

  • Lucy

    Oh, come on. It can’t be that much harder to get people to sleep with you. I’d sleep with you. And then you wouldn’t pull out your iphone and start playing angry birds post-coital, and that would be cool. (Not that some of the twenty something guys I’ve slept recently with have ever done that, or anything…)

    (Instead we could talk about the books stacked next to our beds that have been there for like a year that someone lent us that we’ve never gotten around to reading because we’ve been reading other books. And our vague sense of guilt about all that.)

    • Anda

      You stole my comment, I was gonna tell him I’d sleep with him. You have 15 years on me but I agree that angry birds sucks. Fleet floxes are alright, nothing to rave about. Stick to your stack of books, it’s only gonna keep growing, mine does anyway.

      • Oliver Miller

        Everyone who said they’d sleep with me or that they love me got a “like” on their comment.  It’s the only real way I can show my gratitude, I guess. …Also, people should stop talking about how they want to sleep with me, and contact me via my email in my bio. And then they should sleep with me.

    • Coloredarrows

      Really, dove? Dont come on here with that tripe. You’re just projecting your insecurities by saying that, like, you would totally sleep with him. And then you two could like totally smoke nat shermans in bed, trace the scars on each others bodies and you can be that manic pixie dream girl that says shit like, “im just weird, okay?” and, “god, i LOVE nabakov,” but you’ve only read lolita and you never finished it. You’ll tell him about the time im high school where you felt alone in a crowd and faked anorexia fora month because you thought seeing your bones reminded you that you were still human and the pain helped you feel more. But, really, you just used that pain in your writing and then he’ll starw in your eyes and tell you look so beautiful right now. God, i hope you and every silly run-of-the-mill groupie girl on here that thinks she’s so unique but really isnt would just fuck off. And i typed this on an iphone as well, miller, so id say excuse any typos but i also do not give a single fuck. Oliver, stop encouraging the desperate, dizzy logic of naive little girls because you a grown-ass man and you need to grow up. Set a goddamn example as a writer and stop acting like a creepy professor.

      • Katie

        I would agree if I were in any way assuming that comments like Lucy’s are in any way serious. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and give everyone here the benefit of the doubt and assume that people like that are mostly making lighthearted jokes because they’re bored as fuck and have nothing better to do than comment on thought catalog articles. Take some deep breaths, bro, it’s gonna be alright. 

      • Oliver Miller

        I’m sure the internet commentators will be fine and can withstand my mild responses to their comments.  Or can even withstand sleeping with me, which they should totally do.

  • Guest

    I’ve also been hit in the head by a flying bird. Jerk.

  • Anonymous

    A quote about the pope the day before Easter, “Whaddanasshole”.
    I love you. 

  • Cahyde82

    I love you. FYI.
    I was browsing the internet and saw a picture of a bed of cats….another FYI.
    Please stay ‘old’ and cranky so us other 30 year olds can identify.
    P.S. I still love you.

  • Guestropod

    idk, my mom is really good at AB

  • SusanDerkins

    Apparently I like older men now. 

    • Oliver Miller

      You guys can sleep with me.  I recommend referencing the email address in my bio.  If you’re looking for a TC writer who you can’t sleep with, I recommend [deleted] as a starting-point.

    • beatrice

      You didn’t before? I mean, you would seriously choose a younger guy over an older guy (apart from those in their 40s)?

      • Richardkiyosaki

        Beatrice, you’re going to be a fabulous pretentious middle-income wife one day. I know it.


    Too many semicolons indeed

    • Oliver Miller

      Pfft; that’s nothing.  I barely used any; I can misuse them way the fuck more than that.

  • Hannah

    I recently discovered Fleet Foxes. I thought they were awesome. Then the two people I meet who know of them are on this website, and they nonchalantly dismiss them. I feel like I can’t like them anymore. 

  • Geels69

    35 isn’t old

  • Buem

    35 isn’t old

  • Laura

    I  guess I sometimes feel like a 35 year old trapped in a 23 year old body. Which is not really that bad because it’s in great shape!

    • Oliver Miller

      I eternally look 25-ish for some reason.  It probably doesn’t help that, as a stay-at-home freelance writer, I wear the same goddamn T-shirts and jeans that I wore when I was 25 or younger.  Anyhoo, so I have your reverse issue.  No one has ever, like, successfully guessed my age from seeing/meeting me, although sometimes someone guesses as high as 28 and someone said “30” once, which devastated me.  Anyway, so I look that age-ish, but they I say things like, “Hey, remember the ‘Challenger’ explosion?” Or, “Man, Ronald Reagan sucked.”  Etc.

      • Laura

        yeah you  do look very boyish!  Maybe you’re a writing robot

  • claire

    meh, i’m just twenty three and i can’t play angry birds to save my life.

  • http://kylelamar.com/ Kyle LaMar

    Your cynicism is boring. Your anger is funny though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Cynicism IS boring and anger IS funny.  I just wanted to say that instead of merely “liking” your comment, I guess.

  • Dude

    Dude, you just suck. Period. I read the title of the article and the suck emanated with such force that the scientist in me had to investigate. Then I wasted 5 min of my time reading the absolute suck that I’ve never before had the opportunity to experience. Maybe I should thank you. You’ve allowed me to peer into a world of suck previously unfathomable and widened my spectrum of what can suck in this world.

    • Oliver Miller

      That’s rough.  Just think, you could have used those five minutes where where you learned about medieval history and read jokes to have done something much more productive instead.  Slinging imaginary birds at pigs on a touch-screen, say.

      • PAT

        I personally love that this guy chose DUDE as his name. Not Dude. Not dude. DUDE. DUDE, LETS DISSECT THE SUCK.

      • Oliver Miller

        I sort of like his enthusiastic anger, to be honest.  But then, I’m grouchy too, so I just relate, I guess.

      • Anonymous

        maybe he could’ve used those five minutes to thumb through a thesaurus…or to google a synonym for ‘suck’.

  • wawa

    I’m 21, and I feel like you just bridged a connection between our age gaps! I have an iPhone, and I couldn’t love it more, I hate AB though, such a pointless game. Anyway – you made me laugh when you said you’d die soon, and that you might accidentally turn off the internet. Also that last part about not having peer pressure? Totally enviable. I’d totally sleep w you, but I might be considered jailbait to you so hey, at least you encaptured the attention of a twenty-something!

  • Ben Empey

    Being you at 35 is actually my dream, so please don’t knock it.

  • Julie Shockley


    I have moments like this at least once a month and I’m so glad to see I’m not the only one that feels they need to but can’t verbalize about it.

    • Anonymous

      i still verbalize it. on my 80 year old man ‘don’t-give-a-fuck’ steez.

  • http://twitter.com/dianasof Diana

    i tried typing my e-mail address into a guy’s iphone. it took me around two minutes to type the first half and then i couldn’t find the @ sign so i had to dictate the rest. so yeah touch screens baffle me.  i had also been drinking so that might have further confused me.

  • Stella

    I think you might be my twin, except I’m 30 and have ladyparts! I care about so few things nowadays. At first I was worried, but then I stopped caring. Wait… Hold on…

  • Abc123

    i think im always surprised by how amazing you are as a writer, and how much you suck in real life.

  • Inaba

    I want to see how your father would do on the same task. I’d bet that he’d do rather better.

  • PeterN

    You’re not old, just a moron. Surprised you’ve survived this long, hope your good luck continues.

    • Oliver Miller

      This article really filled you with hate, eh?  Good luck with the… anger?

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