Thought Catalog

Talk About Your Sex Life All The Time

  • 0

Don’t talk about your sex life? What a unique and bizarre concept. Me; I’m like the Batman of talking about my sex life. Sleep? I don’t sleep, I can’t sleep. While you’re sleeping, know that I’m out there — somewhere — dashing over rooftops, stumbling, running, jumping. This city needs me. This city needs to hear about my sex life. This is why I have exactly three and a half friends. No one can stand me. I am not kidding about any of this. I talk about everything.

Last month, I freaked out one of my editors by telling her, during an IM conversation, that I had just made a girl come for the first time in her life. This is not information that she had to drag out of me. I was not trapped in a conversational cul-de-sac. “Dammit, leave me alone with all your prying questions!” was a thing that I was never forced to say during the conversation. If I hadn’t told her, it would have evaporated and become nothing. I had never knowingly made a girl come for the first time before. Morgan Spurlock should be forced to do a documentary about it, with Morgan Freeman narrating. They should have bronzed the room. Tour buses; all of that.

Anyway, I haven’t seen that editor on IM since then. I’m assuming that the wolves got her.

I’m shy but I need to talk about everything. There must be others out there like me. It’s because I’m not in my real life; I’m in a movie about my life. Starring Jake Gyllahoalhanal (sp?). Maybe it’s because my first writing job was writing about dates that I went on, but I just don’t care. How could I care? God, the things that people care about. Just say it all and get it over with. Here’s a random excerpt from that dating blog:

(1) …So here’s my middle name and my cell phone number. “Andrew” and “(484) 883-8963.” I’d give you my address but I don’t have a permanent one at the moment. There, now you know my full name — Oliver Andrew Miller — and you can prank call me whenever you feel like it. Now you know everything about me, short of my social security number and my mother’s maiden name. (2) Here’s a complete list of things that I have shoplifted in my life: Levi’s jeans (I wore them out under my other jeans), a bikini for my old girlfriend back when we were really poor, a Mensa IQ Quiz book (apparently I am not smart enough to be in Mensa), a complete Smashing Pumpkins box set from some really bad party in college, tons of vintage clothes back when I worked in a vintage clothing store, Ephedrine (I thought this would give me extra “energy” to write short stories in grad school; it did not), and finally, of course, I have stolen untold amounts of food from grocery stores over the years… (3) When I went on my second date with Abby back in the day, we went to her dealer to buy cocaine. I gave her money to buy an extremely small amount of cocaine for me. So I’ve done cocaine probably four or five times in my life in addition to the one time that I told you guys about. I don’t have any more c–

And so on and so forth. Go-dddd I don’t care about yapping about all this stuff. I didn’t care five years ago and I could truly give a f-ck now. Here’s a list of all the girls I have slept with:

Nicole because I was a virgin

Amber

Taylor who turned out to be a lesbian

Jenna but I can’t remember for sure

Girl at party when I was standing by the keg

Danielle

I really regret this one

Liana

Girl in Prague please don’t mention this Tiffany, and no, it’s not Tiffany

Courtney bad decision

Mary II depressed girl

Someone named Alisha according to my old email messages

Anna supertall yet excellent writer

Mean Asian girl

Clarissa yes she was a bad writer

Justina when we were in the car and almost died

Jessica who went to Ireland and wrote plays

Jessica’s friend at the New Year’s party when we were broken up

Girl with lots of tattoos

Tall girl

Indian simultaneous orgasm girl… Shaunie! thank god for old email messages for name remembering purposes

Elle I’m the hottest girl in the world

Clarie from that southeast Asian country… Singapore!

Girl who had a daughter

Girl who told lots of jokes

Bryon’s friend which I feel bad about

April II electric bugaloo

Girl who had a son

Really skinny girl

Sonia who was a photojournalist in Israel

Alex who I always thought talked like Adam Sandler

Sarah who wanted me to whip her with a horse whip… gee, no thanks…

Nadia who many years later was horrified when I showed up at Yale Law School

I went out with her for six months and couldn’t remember her name until looking at my email… Krystal

Aubrey horrible goth Sarah Lawrence girl

Older girl in New Orleans but I sort of passed out as we were

Hispanic girl during law school finals

Girl that I never liked in law school

Lauren I always have drugs on me Loyola student

Stripper girl

Hot South African painter girl

Hippie girl

Allie

Den

Callie

Girl with about seventeen different tattoos

…And that list is also five years out of date! Hispanic girl? I slept with a Hispanic girl? I had no idea! See, this is why telling everyone everything is important!

“All ignorance toboggans into know,” said e.e. cummings, unless I’m misquoting, which I no doubt am. We’re all going to learn everything anyway. And really, this? You’re embarrassed about talking about this? This homely little sin? This is nothing. Perhaps a different poet will help shed some light on the subject:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: ‘Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear —
“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.’

See? We’re all going to die and become nothing. Nothing! Your mighty works? Your penis is the first thing to fall off after death, except for the part where I made that up. But still, someone will hold up my skull one day and say, “Yeah, I knew him. He was funny,” and then toss that skull backwards over their shoulder, onto the Terminator 2-like pile of skulls that is all history and time, if that’s not too profound, which it is. This will happen to all of us. …We’ll all become dust, so who cares about a little gossip, especially if it’s sultry gossip? Man, I don’t get you people. Here: The worst place I ever masturbated was in a porta-potty. A porta-potty on a farm. There was nowhere else to do it. You could hear cows mooing outside, and when I opened the door again, everywhere was endless green and it was all wrong, wrong, very wrong.

In college, I used to f-ck by the Vietnam Memorial. Not to make any sort of political point, but because I went to college in the exact middle of Washington, D.C., and everyone had five roommates, and there was no place else to do it. There’s a small area of woods near the Memorial and we had no real woods on campus, not really even a quad, even. So I did it there. I kept on doing it there with my girlfriend until one day a homeless person wandered up to us. He was masturbating, if you hadn’t guessed that already. “No, don’t stop,” he said. “You don’t have to stop. You have nice breasts,” he added. And my girlfriend and I were like: “Hoo-kay, MR. HOMELESS GUY, we realize that we don’t have to stop, but we’re going to stop now anyway. Mood. Killed.” And then we got the hell out of there.

And I could go on. But here’s a final quote from my old dating blog:

…I’m quoting myself here (yahoo!), but I said the following once, many months ago, in a previous blog: “I like excessive sharing. I believe in excessive sharing. It’s maybe the only thing that I deeply believe in, except, of course, for “the inherent sexiness of Keira Knightly,” which is such a given that it’s not even worth discussing. What’s so great about excessive sharing? Well… Excessive sharing = complication = funniness = more sharing and more complication and more funniness, which in turn equals the beginning of things starting to really happen for real. In my humble opinion, anyway.” I did believe in excessive sharing and I still do. Sharing is what binds us together, and I believe that for real, and it’s what I do in my real life. It’s not as though writing this blog was in any way a stretch for me. I blather excessively in real life too. All — or nearly all — of the people who have met me, and who only knew me previously from reading this blog, have at some point ended up saying the following to me: “Gosh. You talk just the way that you write in your blog.” Yep. True. I say far too much in real life too. I can’t keep other people’s secrets. I can’t keep my own secrets. Why? Because I want to keep the conversation going. I want to know more and more and more. I want to share. …And when we have all shared, when we have all told each other everything, then we will all be equals, and there will be nothing hidden, and nothing left to be afraid of. So I believe, anyway. But not everyone in the world agrees with me.

…That’s not as profound as, say, Henry James (“Live all you can; it’s a mistake not to. …Do what you like so long as you don’t make my mistake. For it was a mistake. Live!”), but it’s still kind of okay, I think. Blab all you can about your sex life. It’s a mistake not to. And you’re making the world a better and more honest place by doing so. Enrich the world with your own unique form of awfulness. For that — and kitten photos — is what the internet was created for. And that’s all. Go forth, my winged monkey creatures, and blab. TC mark

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  • Tiffany

    I pretty much agree with none of this

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    I can’t decide if I’m madly in love with you or want to punch you.

    • Oliver Miller

      That means that you’re in love with me.

      • http://twitter.com/RemiInkBob Maricarmen Rodriguez

         Can I punch you while being madly in love with you?

      • Oliver Miller

        Hot.

      • anon

        fucking and punching. trademark: californication, Hank Moody

  • Eli

    I am much the same – what is the point in doing it at all if you don’t remember it? 

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    I tend to over-share as well. I also lack emotional barriers, plunging headfirst into romantic trysts that seem promising, and I bond immediately with anyone who can relate to my ongoing shenanigans.

    It’s whatever.

  • Guest

    While I don’t really agree with the whole sharing everything bit this was still a good read.

  • Guest

    this just scares the shit out of me that the guy i’m sleeping with now has stds.  he’s a good guy. 28.  i have maybe a list of 5 guys i’ve slept with.  i’m 25.  i wonder if his is a list of a million like the tc writers’.  

  • Anonymous

     ” Jake Gyllahoalhanal (sp?)”
    LOL

    • Oliver Miller

      He’s about the same level of ugly as me, I figure.

      • fake modest

        whut jg is good looking…

      • Oliver Miller

        No, he’s really not.

  • Anonymous

    “But I just don’t care. How could I care? God, the things that people care about.”  That’s how I feel about your sex life.  See?  Works both ways.

  • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

    but this isn’t a response to what chelsea meant (if i read her correctly). this is data, not detail. these are things you said to friends to update them, not intimate details you wrote to the world to objectify your sex partner. there’s a difference between talking about sex clinically and writing/talking about sex with the intent of revealing a moment of strength or weakness or passion or closeness that they shared with you.
    i think chelsea’s piece implicitly made the distinction between what you, oliver, are writing about and what she was writing about, which isn’t “oh here’s a list of people i’ve had sex with that i took from a chat convo with a friend.”
    i guess talking-about-sex is a person-by-person thing– EXCEPT this article is about the infantile details kids share with their friends when everyone is secretly competing to be the most experienced omg.
    there’s a difference in intent, there’s a difference in content, and there’s a definite violation of interpersonal respect when we write or talk about our partners the way chelsea’s article discusses (without seeking our partners’ permission). meh.

    • Tom

      Man, that’s a pretty solid point. What say you Mr. Miller? Was this meant to be a response to Chelsea?

      • Oliver Miller

        Yeah, it was, but I sort of skimmed her thing in like 30 seconds.  I’m a horrible skimmer like that.  Lemme go and look at it again.

      • Oliver Miller

        Okay, done!  Yeah, it is a reply to her.  Here:  ”
        For example, just last week, I read an article in a New York-based alternative paper in which a 20-something woman described an event the previous weekend in which she took a man home from a bar, brought him back to her apartment, made out with him on the couch, went back into the bedroom, exchanged awkward oral sex, and while putting the condom on, the man lost his erection. She described the half-hearted justifications he gave, and how he abruptly left afterward, ostensibly out of enormous embarrassment. And these kind of stories are par for the course in this genre.” 

        And here:  ”
        And that may be the biggest fallacy of all, this idea that laying out the intimate, most explicit details of individual sexual and romantic encounters is somehow revolutionary or brave.” 

      • Oliver Miller

        I would absolutely write a story like that, the one in the alt paper.  And I wouldn’t do it because I think it’s revolutionary or brave.  I would do it because I’m a writer; a non-fiction writer, a memoirist, even (though that sounds a little pretentious).  I wouldn’t do it to embarrass the other person; I’d be just as happy writing an embarrassing sex story about myself.  I would do it because I’m a writer, and my life is an open book, and my life is material that I try to use creatively.  We’re all gonna die; art is a stab at sharing our stories with others.  Maybe, if we’re super famous, our writing will live on after us, but I won’t care about that, because I’ll be dead.

        Man is a story-telling animal, and I think it’s our job to illuminate the world, and our lives, by being as honest as we can.  “The truth will set you free,” said, er, Jesus, and while I’m not religious, I think that’s a damn good point.  What are we so embarrassed about?  You can’t remember tomorrow what was embarrassing today.  If someone wrote a story about me not being able to get an erection, I’d be over it in two days, max.  And if I don’t like that story; if I think it’s in-ACCURATE, then I can share my own, and add to the marketplace of ideas.  …And see what the original story did, in that situation?  It just created more sharing.  And that’s a good thing, not a bad thing.  Or maybe I just lack this particular type of embarrassment gene, I don’t know.

      • Oliver Miller

        So maybe I should write that as an article too, now that I read C.F.’s thang more clearly.  It’s just such a visceral reaction with me:  “DON’T write about stuff?  That’s crazy!!!” that I sort of ended up with the article above.

      • Anonymous

        Oliver, 

        It’s awesome that you feel so comfortable sharing the intimacies, emotions, and embarrassments of your own life–but that does not mean your partner(s) would feel the same way. To assume people are okay with their dirty underwear being shown to the world just because you are is incredibly selfish.

        When I think of sharing an intimate moment that happened between my boyfriend and I, I could never even comprehend doing that, as I love him and care for him far too much to take his privacy and make it public against his will, knowledge, or consent.

        And when I think of all the other people I’ve been with, in one way or another, I feel the same way–just because I don’t love them doesn’t mean I don’t respect them as humans and understand that they are capable of being hurt and embarrassed, and that things that may not be sacred to me may be sacred to them. I wouldn’t want to take their most intimate moments and secrets away from them like that.

      • Oliver Miller

        I’d rather write about something than not write about it, sorry.  I restate:  what people are embarrassed about today, they can’t even remember tomorrow.  If my girlfriend was horrified by my writing about her, then… I’d have to get a different girlfriend.  I guess, by instinct, I gravitate towards people who aren’t horrified by stuff like that.  People die, art is eternal — let’s get over our foibles.  Think of the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you.  How long were you ACTUALLY embarrassed by it?  Two weeks, maximum, I’m guessing.  Two weeks… good writing could last hundreds of years…  And I’ve never upset anyone by my writing anyway.

        Or, alternately:  “If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate; the ‘Ode on a Grecian Urn’ is worth any number of old ladies” –David Markson.

    • AK

       I thought the same too! Chelsea’s article was about violating the OTHER person’s privacy. I doubt anyone on your list would be alright with being described as they are, above. I’m sure some of them wouldn’t want any of the intimate moments they thought you shared with them IN PRIVATE, splashed across the web. Your article is just a list that a jerk would make.

  • eatbooksforbreakfast

    i think you meant *cum*, not come…

    • Oliver Miller

      I never type “cum.”  It grosses me out, that spelling, yuck.

    • Age

       I always thought “cum” was strictly meant for porn websites and magazines and eighth graders. Every time I see it spelled c-o-m-e, it’s usually written by people who watch porn but who have matured beyond the eighth grade.

  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/contributors/brian-mcelmurry/ Brian M

    I love Oliver… Andrew Miller.  Life was shitty and fucked and I read this and was distracted. More weird and wildness on TC, please. thx

  • Sophie

    You totally went to GW. I’m proud to say I attend the same institution as you did.

    • Oliver Miller

      Hail to the buff and the blue!

  • http://entropicalia.tumblr.com/ Alison

    I can be a bit of an oversharer; I can also be insanely private… but really, the issue, if that’s what you want to call it,  is I like sex and I like talking about things I like. Hell, I’m commenting just because this article was about sex and I liked it, not because I actually have anything to say. So there you go.

  • MS

    TC writers pull quite the amount of tail I might say. Kind of makes me feel like I need to get more experience before settling down. I didn’t hit my stride until halfway through college and my number still isn’t that high but everyone’s starting to date and get engaged (fuck that! we’re 23). Hopefully some luck or just generally crazy women make there way in my direction soon

  • beekers03

    SHARING IS CARING.

  • claire

    “I’m shy but I need to talk about everything. There must be others out there like me. It’s because I’m not in my real life; I’m in a movie about my life. “we were discussing this here at the very moment i read that part. how we all think our lives are movies and all guys we fuck should be ryan gosling.
    ok, now i’m diverting from the point here.

    anyway, mr. oliver andrew, would you like to be my best friend? i would love to listen to your batman-esque sex adventures.
    SERIOUSLY.

    • elanya

      “how we all think our lives are movies and all guys we fuck should be ryan gosling.”

      HAHA. Yes, please.

  • Anonymous

    My grandma is internet savvy. It makes me scared to write, even with a fake name, even miles away. If she stumbled upon an explicit story I wrote, she would recognize my “voice,” possibly the characters, my eccentricities. I can only write about things that I wouldn’t mind telling my grandma. It really sucks.

    • Anonymous

      I admire Oliver’s openness!

  • Alexa

    I can see how this article would annoy a lot of people but I don’t know, I just think its really fucking great

  • Amy Rathbone

    You should share what you want, there is an audience for everything. 
    You seem to be a modern Holden Caulfield type so I would go with it. 
    When we criticize others we are actually just disappointed in our own shortcomings.

  • Jesse

    So I’m just gonna be the token person of color here and say, it’s offensive the way you refer to the women of color you’ve been with. As if each time, that’s one of the most memorable things about them.

    We get it. You date ethnic women. Cool bro 

    • Oliver Miller

      To be fair, I identified some of the honkies by saying, like, “she’s a bad writer,” so.  Um, it was more of a dumb list that I don’t defe-nnnd in any way.

      • Jesse

        Yeah, but it was never “white girl who was a bad writer.” All I’m saying is that you NEVER found it necessary to mention the race of the white women you slept with because, obviously, they were white, unless they were white unless otherwise specified. White is always the default and brown is always the other.

        I will agree with you that is a dumb list, though.

      • Oliver Miller

        So we’re agreed then. And no, I don’t even feel like reading the whole list, but April, for instance, and Mary, were Asian but not identified as such. I was more going for whatever I could remember. I will agree to being mildly slutty and writing a dumb list though.

      • Anonymous

        Oh god, stop.

      • Marie

        You’re a dick.

        Also, why is it that when white people are thinking of a super black name it’s ALWAYS Sheniqua. Racists are so predictable. I think we’re ready for new material now. Please?

      • Oliver Miller

        Okay, I agree that you should stop.

      • Jesse

        lol ok ok. I get it. Self-reflection is hard. Sry dude

      • Oliver Miller

        No, it’s that I’m humoring you by even having a conversation that is this stupid.

      • maks

        As a man of color I saw nothing wrong with that, as a man ingeneral, thats just how we roll. I’ll always refer to white women I sleep with as “that white chick”. Is it racism? Probably, however it’s pretty safe to assume a white guy is going to sleep with mainly white women unless he states otherwise. I don’t blame Oliver. I blame social segregation.

    • Sara

      as soon as i saw that list i went to get out a pot and start stirring.

  • Stephen Peterson

    “Justina”…haaaaaa.

    • Oliver Miller

      Yeah yeah.

  • Kona Bauman

    Aww, Oliver is feeling so, like, self-actualized these days. He’s all I know who I am and what I believe and I am going to share it with the world! I am amazing greatness and finally everyone recognizes it! It’s only a matter of time before I graduate from TC shit and pursue something legit. God, I am just fantastic – everyone loves me! So, let’s just build the momentum for a bit and then I’ll be writing for real, bitches. Fuck yeah, I’m Oliver!!

    • Kona Bauman

      p.s. Your friend Tiffany seems cool. 

      • Oliver Miller

        Tiffany’s super cool.

      • Oliver Miller

        Also, your comment fairly effectively creeped me out, so, er, kudos.

      • Kona Bauman

        Elaborate?

      • Oliver Miller

        It’s like you’re creepily inside my head.  Like “Fight Club,” or something.  Or like you’re my nemesis.  Or is this all too profound?  Ignore me.

      • Kona Bauman

        Clever!

  • Svenry

    I’m pretty sure you’re just using your over-sharing as a way to get more sex. That sounds pretty selfish to me (the opposite of sharing). 

    But, that’s just me sharing too much of my opinion.

    • Oliver Miller

      I’m pretty lazy about trying to get sex, and I’m not strategic in that way at all.  I think I just actually overshare for reals.

  • lauren bozzi

    Hahahaha. This was great.

  • beatrice

    I love how Singapore still needs denotations like “that southeast Asian country “

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