Herman Cain currently is a candidate for the presidency (of the United States!). He’s also the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, which is America’s… 12th-best national pizza chain. Which in itself is hilarious. Can’t we get the CEO of a good pizza chain to run for president? …How about Papa John? He could run! Or Mr. James Dominos? Or how about Edgar Pizza Hut?
…Granted, two of those names are made up — but okay, how about Papa John for president? Doesn’t he seem kind and avuncular, based on his commercials? …He’d be good. “Better ingredients, better country,” he say, and then we’d cheer. “…There’s nothing artificial in my pizzas,” he’d gravely intone, “and nothing artificial about my love for this great nation.” More cheering. Man, he really would be good. Maybe I should be running his hypothetical campaign. PAPA JOHN/ EDGAR PIZZA HUT 2012!
ANY-way, so, Herman Cain. So Herman Cain has been accused of sexual harassment by four women so far. He paid cash settlements to at least two of the women. Still, Herman Cain rigorously denied that any of this happened, based on the well-established legal principle of Heywhat’sthatbehindyou? Seriously! v. Saywhatnow? (409 U.S. 113 (1973)).
But then, a fifth woman emerged, a Ms. Ginger White, who alleged a 13-year-affair with the married Mr. Herman Cain, where he paid her money, called her endlessly on the phone, and flew her around the country. Oops:
HANNITY: Herman, isn’t this something, though, that would be easily confirmed? She is saying that you flew her around the country. She’s saying that you were meeting in hotels. Can’t we get plane tickets, confirmations? Can’t we get hotels? Don’t a lot of these hotels have videotapes that they — some of them, I would assume, hang on to those tapes forever. And —
CAIN: Sean, do me a favor. Let’s not play detective. Here’s the deal. I am going to prove that — I am going to re-establish my character. OK? We’re working on that. My attorney is working on that. We’re going to work on that. But I don’t want to play detective right now, with all due respect. OK?
Yes, let’s all not… play detective! …Which is unnecessary anyway, since Herman Cain has already admitted to paying Ms. White’s bills and to talking to her thousands of times without his wife’s knowledge. This doesn’t require much detective work. This is like figuring out the bad guy on one of those “CSI”-type shows, where the obviously creepy guy cracks under 10 seconds of questioning and is like, “D’you REALLY want to know who killed all those call-girls? All right, fine. It was ME. ME! I DID IT! ME! GOD I WAS OBVIOUSLY LYING BEFORE.”
These seem like dark times for Herman Cain. But in times of darkness, a hero will rise. Or so movies tell us, anyway.
And so, hark to Herman Cain’s latest defender, Ms. Lori Klein—
Ms. Klein is an Arizona state Senator and (somewhat unsurprisingly) is also Herman Cain’s political chairman in the great state of… Arizona. She also has an airtight defense for Herman Cain. Please to enjoy:
Lori Klein, an Arizona state Senator and Cain’s Arizona state chairman, told CBS News she stands by Cain.
She says she has known him for 12 years and he’s “never been anything but a gentlemen – and I am not an unattractive woman.”
See? Herman Cain didn’t assault a “not unattractive woman.” …What more do you need?
Klein suggested that if Cain is innocent he should sue White for libel and went on to attack the media for digging up the allegations. She also said that in politics, “we want a virgin to do a hooker’s job.”
Ah yes, the unusual and rarely-seen He hasn’t tried to assault me yet, and I’m hottt, so, you know, defense. Okay, two things. Well, maybe three things.
Ms. Klein, I don’t want to impugn your… dignity in any way, but while you are certainly… striking… I wouldn’t go so far as to call you a hottie, per se. Were you to walk into a bar where I was sitting, I’m not sure my reaction would be, “Whoa, boys. Get a load of this talent.”
But that’s beside the point. More than that, Ms. Klein, I do admire your novel “Well he hasn’t tried to rape me yet” defense. …Yeah! Why not? Granted, this would work as a defense for, say… anything. Like Dracula, say. Say that Dracula is roaming around the streets of London, and mysterious bodies are showing up with teeth-puncture marks in them. …Mysterious bat-like creatures fly away from these bodies, accompanied by mysterious cackling. Well, what you do then is show up on TV and say something like: “Well, I have a very long neck, and I certainly haven’t been drained of all my blood yet. So can we just all stop these wild attempts at using logical reasoning to follow this causal chain to its direct source? Dracula is obviously… is that a bat? No, urrgh; nevermind.”
But it’s true. What we should take from Lori Klein’s statement is this: Herman Cain is a busy man. An important man. A businessman, and a candidate for the presidency. He cannot possibly be expected to sexually harass all the people who are worthy of being sexually harassed. Like Lori Klein. Or me, even! I’m okay-looking, in the right lighting. …WHY HAVEN’T YOU HARASSED ME YET, MR. CAIN. OH. OR ARE YOU AFRAID TO ANSWER THE QUESTION. …I SEE.
But no. This is all a chasing after the wind. Wait your turn, people! Sure, Herman Cain hasn’t harassed you, but think of everyone else that he hasn’t harassed yet either. For example, here’s a list of people he hasn’t tried to force into a non-consensual sexual relationship:
1) Your mom!
2) My mom.
3) Me, again.
4) My cat.
5) At least 57 members of the United States Senate that we know of.
6) Barack Obama?
7) Lori whatshernameagian.
8) He probably did your ex though.
So relax, people! Herman Cain is… just one man. He’s busy. But life is long. Elect Herman Cain, and he eventually will sexually assault all of us who are assault-worthy. He’s working on it. And that’s a promise that you can take to the bank; the money bank.