I’m James Franco

Hello. I’m James Franco. …Or am I? Yes. …I’m James Franco.

I’m James Franco. The internationally renowned actor, film director, producer, screenwriter, author, painter, and performance artist. I also teach a class at NYU about transferring poetry to film, James Franco-style. Did you know that? …Have you read my critically acclaimed first book of short stories, Palo Alto: Stories by James Franco? I was in Spider-Man 3 and 127 Hours. I’m James Franco. I might be gay or maybe not, because I’m James Franco. I make performance art out of dildos. If you like, you can pay me twenty dollars for a piece of paper describing a piece of art that I have imagined, or, if you’d like to pay $10,000, I will provide you with a lifetime supply of fresh air. For I am James Franco and through me, all is possible.

Whoa, it’s getting kind of Franco all up in here, am I right?

Did you see me hosting the 83rd annual Academy Awards along with Ann Hathaway? …That wasn’t me. I would never host the Academy Awards, c’mon. That was my twin brother, Frames Janco. We’re everything alike, but we have nothing in common. He has a mustache, but I do not. Frames Janco is secretly one of the richest and most evil men in the world, but I am not. I am James Franco, but he is Frames Janco. …Beware. He was thrown in jail in Tennessee. He robs old ladies for their lunch money. Watch out for Frames Janco.

Here’s a poem that I wrote:


ming up his photo shoot’s thesis, Franco added, “Having sex with dolls with plastic dicks is f-cking great, because you get to examine that act without the onus of people just looking at it and saying ‘That’s pornography.'” Thus satisfied th

I AM JAMES FRANCO

…What’s that? An egg.

By the Brothers Boot it smells fresh.

I am James Franco.

I am the alpha and omega.

I am a gnat.

I am the dog urinating in the corner.

I am every god and hero from the first crack of time.

Where I am not, am I not, but when I am not

People should stand with their arms spread wide

Saying “Where’s James Franco?”

And so on.

…How was that? Good, right? Here’s a joke: I’m not really James Franco. My real name is Oliver Miller, and I’m an underemployed writer living in Pennsylvania. I’m 6’1″, 175, blue eyes, red-blond hair. …What’s that that you’re saying. That’s not true? That’s impossible? Anything is possible, or it would be, if I was James Franco.

Hey. Look behind you. No, I promise you that I’m not messing with you. I know that you’re reading this on the computer, but what’s that, right over your shoulder. Behind you. No, seriously, you’ve got to look behind you right now.

Haaa. I was just kidding. There’s nothing behind you. So, anyway, here’s a real joke:

–Knock, knock.

–Who’s there?

–James Franco is not there, man.

Funny!

No, but I could never fool you. You saw right through me, didn’t you? I am James Franco. Oliver Miller is an alter-ego who doesn’t exist. He is nothing, I am something. Did you know that I used to date Marla Sokoloff, my co-star from the film, Whatever It Takes? I’m the new face of Gucci. I make performance art out of old episodes of Three’s Company. Some of these things are true, some are not. …To play James Dean, I went from a non-smoker to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. We’re working on a film made entirely out of my tears. We’re going to press my tears, dry them, and mount them on celluloid. I’m James Franco. Look into my eyes; my dreamy-weamy brown eyes. My hair exists. Would you like to buy some of it, some clippings from my hair? You cannot.

Know that when you lie there, sleeping comfortably in your bed, that I’m out there, somewhere, being James Franco. …I don’t sleep; I can’t sleep. This city needs me. So I’m out there, Franco-ing it up; running over rooftops, running, jumping, stumbling, fighting crime like I only know how. …I’m not the hero you want; I’m the hero you deserve. For I am… James Franco. TC mark

Thumbnail image – Nick Step

More From Thought Catalog

  • Josh Gondelman

    Yes, to everything.

  • Anonymous

    I lost it at Frames Janco. I believe! I believe!

    • publicperv

      samesies.

    • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

      more like lost your panties, m i rite

  • http://thetangential.com Becky Lang

    this felt a little ryan gosling to me.

    • Oliver Miller

      Yeah, well, *you’re* a little Ryan Gosling to me.

      …I don’t know what that means, but it sounded cool.

  • http://www.twitter.com/kkasie19 kasie

    I hate Spider Man 2. James Franco.

    • Oliver Miller

      But I love Spider-Man 2.  “Strong focus on what I want.”  And then he falls off a building.  Awesome.

  • Miranda

    “That was my twin brother, Frames Janco.” Brilliant.

  • Sophia

    James Franco came and spoke at my university, and I’m pretty sure he was stoned. He talked kind of like this article reads.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=651850509 TK Monzon

    Who knew James Franco also wrote the Old Spice commercials. 

  • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

    how BLITHE of you, james dear.

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    THIS ARTICLE FOR PRESIDENT OR AT LEAST GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

    • Oliver Miller

      CAIN/THIS ARTICLE ’12

  • berna fett

    Cut off your arm & send it to me.

  • http://twitter.com/caaalebbb Caleb Reidy
    • Oliver Miller

      That’s awkward, but since I don’t watch that show anymore, I’m cool here I think.  I also have a column with jokes about a Tea Partier where The Daily Show did the same jokes two days later, if you want to see it.  Comedy writers sometimes come up with the same jokes, shrugs.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ronald

    This article is the delirium dream of a sleepy man on a wagon traveling rough roads.

    • Oliver Miller

      Here’s the last stanza of the Franco poem that I cut because it was getting too long:

      Where I am not, am I not, but when I am
      not

      People should stand with their arms
      spread wide

      Saying “Where’s James Franco?”

      And so on.

      And so

      Grant me, O observer

      My one, inscrutable, starless hour.

      Peace out.

      • Ronald

        Why did you edit your comment, which I liked, into “…” Think of future generations who will not know.

      • Oliver Miller

        I got embarrassed; I’m weird like that.  Anyway, here’s the (unpublished) last section of the Franco poem:

        …Where I am not, am I not, but when I am
        not

        People should stand with their arms
        spread wide

        Saying “Where’s James Franco?”

        And so on.

        And so

        Grant me, O observer

        My one, inscrutable, starless hour.

        Peace out.

  • Ronald

    This article is the delirium dream of a sleepy man on a wagon traveling rough roads.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    “what is the last thing you copied and pasted? make a story out of it” – frames janco @ nyu cw guild

    hehehehehehe

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    “what is the last thing you copied and pasted? make a story out of it” – frames janco @ nyu cw guild

    hehehehehehe

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    Franco-ly, I enjoyed this. Had a batman, super hero vibe

  • Asavva

    Brilliant!

  • Anonymous

    So if you’re James Franco, then Ryan Gosling is Frames Janco? Brilliant article tho :)

  • Sarah

    fan-franco-tastic.

     also, you are cordially invited to my bed whenever you would like.

    • Oliver Miller

      People need to start emailing me if they’re offering me sex and/or housing.  Also, if anyone gets the two crazily obscure poems I’m parodying in my poem, then I’ll send them a present.  For reals.

      • AK

        I got the Samuel Beckett one.. Whoroscope, yes?

        Not sure about the other. But great article. I have tears in my eyes.

      • Oliver Miller

        Christ, wow.  Lemme give it a day to see if anyone gets the other one, if not, I’ll mail you a (almost definitely crappy) present.

      • AK

        haha yaaay! now please, what’s the other?

      • Oliver Miller

        It’s a parody of the bad Irish poetry in “At Swim-Two-Birds,” which itself is a parody of bad poetry.  Also, I guess there was a nod to “The Simpsons” in there:  “When Poochie is off-screen, all the characters should be saying, ‘Where’s Poochie?'”

  • Jujyfruit

    I just noticed that your icon is Mr. Rush…
    Mr. Men and Little Miss forever <3
    Oh, and the article was hilarious.

  • Anonymous

    [grumble] Some of the AV Club writers do this sorta jazz-talk.

  • Vicky Shazam

    the poem made me laugh so hard i starting crying and couldn’t breathe. i think i’m in love with you.

  • http://polkadotribbeaux.wordpress.com/ Jishi Pantorilla

    I’m falling in love with Oliver Miller.

  • OohLa

    Who’s James Franco? 

    • OohLa

      jk… I was just being sarcastic and annoying

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