As we all know by now, movie executives ran out of new ideas around about the time that The Godfather came out. Ever since then, movie studios have been focused on grabbing onto everything that we loved as little kids — cartoons, comic books, superheroes, boardgames — just so that it can ruin these things by regurgitating them in CGI/Megan Fox form.
Because of this, it sometimes feels like Hollywood wants to hurt me; innocent little me. …Hey, Oliver, Hollywood says. Didn’t you sort of like “The Smurfs,” once upon a time? …Well, you’ll like them 100% less once they’re in CGI-form, with poop and fart jokes and Neil Patrick Harris! And when we’re done with that, we’ll go ahead and ruin something else! Conan the Barbarian, The Transformers, The Karate Kid — anything you liked from the 80s; we can ruin it for you!
…And so, in the spirit of childhood sh-t being ruined, I present to you the trailer for the new film G.I. Joe: Retaliation, starring “The Rock” and ahhhhh who gives a sh-t. Roll the garbage!
Man, it’s more like G.I. Joe: Retardation — amirite, brahs? Boo-yah! …Brahs? Wait, brahs? Where are you going? Come back.
Okay. Anyway, there are so many questions to ask about this trailer! Such as:
–Who’s the girl who is firing wildly into the air? ‘Cause that’s who I want on my team! The person who FIRES HER MACHINE GUN WILDLY INTO THE AIR.
–Is standing motionless inside a well while people shoot at you… is that really a good idea?
–Why fight on a cliff like that?
–“They’re all dead. …We’re all that’s left.” Oh, why didn’t you all just die? That’s a movie that I would watch. …Fifteen minutes of all the “G.I. Joes” being killed, and then ninety minutes of shots of a serene desert landscape, filled with lifeless bodies. Sort of like Koyaanisqatsi or something.
–“…The world’s not gonna save itself.” …Yeah, but sir, what if it does? According to chaos theory and what we know of thermodynamics, anything is possible. Sure, it’s less than an a 0.001% chance, but I say “F-ck it!” Let’s go for it and do nothing and see what happens!
–Does Cobra feel that replacing the American flag with the Cobra flag might be alienating at all? Like, to most of the population? Why not take charge as dictators, but not change the flag and pretend that everything is still the same? Y’know, the way that Dick Cheney did. …Zing.
–This isn’t really a question, but well, sort of it is: Hey! It’s Bruce Willis in full-on, smirky, “I don’t give a sh-t” mode! You keep cashing those paychecks, Bruce. Hey, Bruce, could you care any less? That’s my question. …Could you show your disdain any more clearly?
–Can this movie hold a candle to the first G.I. Joe movie, which featured a secret headquarters with an ocean level in the middle of the building? …And wouldn’t that be leaky, having an ocean like that? How much did it cost to reinforce the building superstructure so that it could hold 250,000 tons of water? One billion dollars? Five billion dollars? …Who’s in charge here, soldier?!
It’s true; when I first saw the G.I. Joe: Retaliation trailer, I thought: “This is utterly retarded looking, and I don’t mean ‘retarded’ in the good handicapped way.” …But then, I realized that “nonsensical and idiotic” is what a movie based on G.I. Joe should be like.
As it turns out, there are some things that even movie studios can’t ruin. For example; G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. …G.I. Joe was my second favorite thing as a kid, right behind Star Wars. I was the mechanically-inclined boy in the neighborhood who could fix all the action figures by replacing the rubber bands in their arms. I treasured my Joe “action figures” so much that I wouldn’t mix them with my other toys. G.I. Joe could never fight He-Man or Voltron or the Go-Bots. G.I. Joe could only fight against Cobra. As an adult, I even got a G.I. Joe tattoo on my right arm. Which was a bad idea, getting a tattoo like that, but whatever.
Clearly, I loved the Joes. And so, here’s my accumulation of my life’s knowledge about them. …Here’s what I know about G.I. Joe–
“G.I. Joe” is a team of good guys. Their drink grape soda and their headquarters are in New Jersey. They have code-names like “Roadblock” and “Shipwreck” which they assumedly chose themselves. The sailor is gay. There are thirty good guys, and they fight all the evil in the entire world. They have one tank, one plane, and one helicopter. They have one aircraft carrier for their one plane. G.I. Joe is a team of people who can do a single thing each. One guy drives the tank, one guy flies the plane, one guy’s a ninja, and one chick throws spears. Members of G.I. Joe use machine guns that shoot laser beams. They never kill anyone. No one ever dies, they parachute out of planes or jump out of tanks before the tanks explode. G.I. Joe fights against a terrorist group named “Cobra.” Members of Cobra wear bright blue uniforms — “eye-searing blue” being the color on sale that day at the evil uniform store. Cobra is terrifying and merciless and the most feared organization in the world; it’s also totally incompetent and can never accomplish anything at all.
…And all these things made sense to me as an eight-year-old — and I hope that they made sense to you as well. But as I was writing them all down, it finally became clear to me that everything about G.I. Joe was always dumb. It always made no sense. …And that’s awesome. Not everything must make sense in this world, and it especially doesn’t have to when you’re eight years old.
Yes, it’s true; G.I. Joe was the stupidest thing that I loved as a kid, and as an adult, I was still foolish enough to have my love for G.I. Joe permanently tattooed onto my body. And yes; it’s true: G.I. Joe: Retaliation looks awful-ish. …And this is as it should be.
And so, I salute you for once, Hollywood! …You have finally made the dopey G.I. Joe movie sequel that I need; nay, that I deserve. In the future, please to stick to ruining things like this; things that are fundamentally un-ruinable. And now, let’s go and watch people sword-fighting on the side of a giant cliff! And what do you mean, How about just cutting the ropes instead of fighting with swords? …I don’t know what you’re talking about, brah.