Excerpts From The Novel Star Wars: The Courtship Of Princess Leia

It makes me sad to go into libraries these days, because it just does. Somehow libraries have become the cultural equivalent of 8-track cassettes, or Betamax, or line-dancing. Libraries these days have become the home of the homeless, the anachronistic, and the unloved. Which is nice, but also a little sad. …But anyway, I do love my local library. My adorable local library has about 500 books in it. It’s located inside a faded 19th century church; gray stone and stained-glass windows; it has one big room, three computers, stacks of DVDs, and then a very random and tiny selection of books.

Here are some of the books that my library doesn’t have: anything by James Joyce, anything by Dostoevsky, anything by Martin Amis, anything by Kerouac, anything by Joyce Carol Oates, anything by Lorrie Moore, and so on. My library does, however, have a quite startling selection of Star Wars books, set in what true nerds know as the “expanded universe,” and what non-nerds call nothing at all. (…My library also has a novel called Star, written by Pamela Anderson; which is interesting, but which is of no relevance to this article.)

Anyway, I perused the Star Wars novels, during a rainy day when I thought I’d be reading James Joyce or something.  …Dark Side Rising, The Shadow of the Sith, Legacy of the Force; these novels are all united in having a lot more hot babes in them than the actual Star Wars movies — which have zero hot babes in them, unless you count a frigid-acting Natalie Portman as a hot babe, which I don’t, not really. I guess that what’s makes them “fan fiction,” though — hot girls + inscrutable jargon about the Force + laser swords = geek happy time.

The novels are also united in being eye-blindingly terrible. Below are some random-ish excerpts from my favorite one, Star Wars: The Courtship of Princess Leia, which ends with Princess Leia marrying (spoiler alert) Han Solo, despite some desultory fake-out bullsh-t where she might marry some guy named “Isolder.” So below are my favorite random quotes from the novel, followed by my possible responses to them. Please to enjoy. Or not:

_____

EXCERPTS FROM ‘STAR WARS: THE COURTSHIP OF PRINCESS LEIA’

–“Do you really think you could take a man as a slave, or pummel me with rocks, and still hope to retain your innocence?”

–“In my grandmother’s day, we pushed the wild rancors from these mountains.”

–“I’m right here. Han Solo, in the flesh.” He leaned his face forward. “Go ahead, slap me. Or kiss me. Or talk to me.”

–“She’s alive!” Luke said firmly. “And she’s terrified but hopeful, I can feel it.”

–“It seems that relations between the Verpines and the Barabels are disintegrating at a faster rate than we anticipated.”

–“We’ve been running for hours,” Leia said. “We’ve got to stop and rest, soon.” She wiped perspiration from her brow.

–“Well, there’s a first time for everything,” Han said, moving behind Threepio to snap the fatigues on. Somehow, it made him feel uncomfortable. In some homes, the wealthy had droids dress them, but Han had never heard of anyone dressing a droid.

–Leia spun and talked directly in his face. “No! I’m not going to let you sweet talk me. This isn’t a game. This isn’t a fun ride. Our lives are on the line. And right now, whether you love me and want me to marry you, or whether I love Isolder and want to marry him — none of that matters anymore. We’ve got to get out of here. Now!”

–“Well, Han, you’ve certainly struck the jackpot this time. This planet must have more enemy fighters than a Hutt has ticks.”

–“I’ll be careful,” Luke said, and he patted his R2 droid lovingly and stared at it, as if gazing through its metal exterior.

–“Yes,” Luke said huskily.

_____

And here are some possible responses that I would give, assuming that I existed within the world of this novel. See if you can match the responses with the quotes! Correct answers are given below:

a) “Jeez-us.”

b) “So you’re into the kinky sh-t, then.”

c) “…Jesus Christ.”

d) “Jesus f-cking Christ.”

e) “Jesus Christ with the attitude Leia.”

f) “I’ve had just about enough of your Hutt-bashing for one day, missy.”

h) “Try shutting up for two seconds; you’ll run faster.”

i) “Jesus Christ. Oh my god, shut up.”

j) “Jesus Christ.”

k) “This is so much like my 3-CPO slash fiction that it’s scary.”

l) “Hey, hand me that rock over there, would you?”

_____

…So there’s that. And now, a special contest thing! Can you come up with funnier responses than I did during the 100 seconds where I didn’t really come up with “funny” responses? No doubt you can! Leave your response in the comment section, along with the copied-and-pasted quote, and the best response wins a prize.

…And by the way, the last time I offered a prize on this site, I contacted the winner, who seemed to think that I had been “joking” about the whole thing. But look into my eyes; look deep into my lovely blue eyes. I’m not joking. No jokes here. You’ll win a prize, which will consist of a postcard, a drawing by me, and then some stupid cheap toy or something, all of which will be mailed to you. I never joke about prizes. Ask anyone. …And now, here are the answers–

Answers: 1-L, 2-B, 3-A, 4-D, 5-J, 6-H, 7-K, 8-E, 9-F, 10-C, 11-G  TC mark

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Thumbnail image – The Courtship of Princess Leia

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  • Elizabeth Shultz

    Bloody hell. That nonsense belongs on the internet. NOT in a published book.

    Now that I think about it, the library in my hometown had a very large number of Star Wars books compared to its sadly low number of real books.

  • Tiffany

    –“Do you really think you could take a man as a slave, or pummel me with rocks, and still hope to retain your innocence?”

    Response: Oh my God! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

    • Oliver Miller

      Okay, you’re not allowed to win, but that was funny.

  • SK

    –“I’ll be careful,” Luke said, and he patted his R2 droid lovingly and stared at it, as if gazing through its metal exterior.I’m sorry, Luke, are you about to take R2’s virginity?

  • Anonymous

    –“Do you really think you could take a man as a slave, or pummel me with rocks, and still hope to retain your innocence?”

    R: There’s innocence in the force and there’s innocence in the force with which you force me to force this sentence.

    –”In my grandmother’s day, we pushed the wild rancors from these mountains.”

    R: But you fucking kids just hang out with your Star Wars Episode I branded Rancor tamagotchis and bitch when you forget to clean up their bantha fodder and they die and are reabsorbed into the Force!

    –“I’m right here. Han Solo, in the flesh.” He leaned his face forward. “Go ahead, slap me. Or kiss me. Or talk to me.”

    R: Or wonder when the exact moment it was that you realized your own Mother got off watching Harrison Ford galavanting around the galaxy, through ancient tombs finding treasure, and fighting terrorists in mid air. And marvel at how he’s still super hot.

    –“She’s alive!” Luke said firmly. “And she’s terrified but hopeful, I can feel it.”

    R: She’s your sister, dude. Ew.

    –“It seems that relations between the Verpines and the Barabels are disintegrating at a faster rate than we anticipated.”

    R: It’s like the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns. It’s a pegged fiat currency of magic that many interpret as the force except that one time they tried to call it Midi-chlorians and everyone got angry and you never heard of them again. Oh and Jar-Jar. WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK, Georgie. 

    –“We’ve been running for hours,” Leia said. “We’ve got to stop and rest, soon.” She wiped perspiration from her brow.

    R: Clicked the pause button on her Wii fit and sat down to read thoughtcatalog on her iPad.

    –“Well, there’s a first time for
    everything,” Han said, moving behind Threepio to snap the fatigues on.
    Somehow, it made him feel uncomfortable. In some homes, the wealthy had
    droids dress them, but Han had never heard of anyone dressing a droid.

    R: Two words: Golden Rod.

    –Leia spun and talked directly in his
    face. “No! I’m not going to let you sweet talk me. This isn’t a game.
    This isn’t a fun ride. Our lives on are the line. And right now, whether
    you love me and want me to marry you, or whether I love Isolder and
    want to marry him — none of that matters anymore. We’ve got to get out
    of here. Now!”

    R: #princessproblems

    –“Well, Han, you’ve certainly struck the jackpot this time. This planet must have more enemy fighters than a Hutt has ticks.”

    R: And you would know about ticks, Han! I mean that walking carpet you hang around. “wwwwaaaaaadddddubbbbb dubbbb dubbbbbbbbbb” (yes, that’s Chewie dubbbbbstepppinnnn)

    –“I’ll be careful,” Luke said, and he patted his R2 droid lovingly and stared at it, as if gazing through its metal exterior.

    R: Trying to see some faint glimpse of that midget they claimed waddled around in that thing. And then you wonder how the fuck in Episode III R2 could suddenly fucking fly and spray fire and outsmart Sith Lords?

    –“Yes,” Luke said huskily.

    R: She’s your sister. 

    (I obviously didn’t have cable as a kid.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=626011152 Amy Stage

    This is the best thing I’ve read on Thought Catalog in a long time.

    • macgyver51

      Absolutely.

  • macgyver51

    “It seems that relations between the Verpines and the Barabels are disintegrating at a faster rate than we anticipated.” – 
    Response: Jenga!

  • http://profiles.google.com/natashachowdory Natasha Chowdory

    Is it bad that I read this when I was like 15?! And I stopped reading the books when Han and Leia’s son (the boy twin) went all dark side. :s Geek? Who me?! :p

  • John Crowley

    –“Well, there’s a first time for everything,” Han said, moving behind Threepio to snap the fatigues on. Somehow, it made him feel uncomfortable. In some homes, the wealthy had droids dress them, but Han had never heard of anyone dressing a droid.-Someone’s clearly never been to Space-Vegas.

    –“Yes,” Luke said huskily.
    -“For the last time, NO.” R2 beeped angrily.

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    nice piece!

  • Rose__green

    I have read ‘Star’ by Pamela Anderson. it was for sale in the local £1 shop. There was a delightful fold out page with Pammy’s naked body on it. 
    I would honestly rather read that than Ulysses any day. Anderson does things in that novel that Joyce could never do.

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  • Natalie

    I enjoyed your article, but I want to add that libraries are NOT finished. In fact, I work for a library and can say it is generally filled with people. 

    • Oliver Miller

      I <3 libraries.

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  • jawa

    God how dare people read things other than deep novels that enlighten them.  Oh wait, I know, maybe because not everyone finds books like Ulyssees to be a nice and relaxing read when they get back from working.  I don’t read these star wars books, and yes, I do read deeper books from time to time.  But seriously, stop being such literary snobs.  You sound like people who claim everyone who reads Twilight is a brainless slug while immediately following it up with proclaiming Harry Potter to be the most amazing creation ever.  I dislike Twilight, I will never read the whole series.  And I enjoy reading Harry Potter. But reading is reading.  Quit being so pretentious about it.  

    • Oliver Miller

      So we’re agreed that ‘Twilight’ sucks then?

  • Michael

    Ok, I have to speak my mind.  Yes, reading these lines now leaves a funny taste in my mouth.  Like rot.  Mouth rot. 
    But at the lithe and soft-skinned age of thirteen, those books were the bread and butter of my literary diet.  I’ve read dozens of those mofos.  And they totally ruled, dudes.  They ruled so bad.
    So don’t you sully my childhood with your liberal website and smarmy ‘tude.  I haven’t spent all this time not reading them again just so you can come along and point out that they suck.  Shhhhhhhhush.

    But yeah the ones where Jacen Solo (yeah, I remember his name) turned to the darkside turned me off from reading them.

    • Oliver Miller

      I’m tempted to let you win the contest just for confessing this.

    • Oliver Miller

      In fact, screw it, you’re the winner, Michael.  …See what Michael did there, everyone?  He THOUGHT OUTSIDE OF THE BOX.  Also, I changed the rules of the contest to let him win, because “lithe and soft-skinned” is funny.  Stay on your toes, people!  This is a game whose rules change as you play, to quote a shitty band.

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