My Answers To The Question, “Oh, So You’re A Writer? What Do You Write About?”

When I’m in a hurry: “I write a blog.”

To my friends: “Gaaaaaah, I just wrote this piece of sh-t thing, gaaaah.”

To a hot girl at the bar after about five drinks: “Do? …A writer, actually. No; mostly about sex and power. And about the lies that we all tell ourselves. (Extending my arm towards her.) …It’s really good, you should check it out.”

In a job interview: “Well, for the past seven years, I’ve written for a variety of websites, including AOL. Social media, SEO optimization, you name it.”

To the clerk at Wells Fargo Bank, yesterday, while trying to open up a new “Super Saver” account:  “My job?  Ha ha.  I — unnnnnhh. I write for the internet?” (This leads to a conversation where she thinks that I know how to program computers.) “Ha, ha, no. I really don’t know tha-aaaat much about computers. I write articles that appear on the internet. Like, personal essays? About my life? And some essays about pop culture?”

My mom’s answer: “Well, I’ll tell you one thing this boy doesn’t write. Letters, and emails, ha ha. Not even a ‘Hey, mom! This is where I am and this is what I’m doing!’ And his grandmother has been asking him for a letter for the last ten years–” (She continues in this vein for the next fourteen billion hours or so.)

My step-father’s answer: “You know what he should write? A sonnet sequence about giving his mom an ulcer, ha ha.”

In ancient Greek: “????????? ??? ????’ ??’ ??????? ????.”

In Latin: “Facilis descensus Averno: (noctes atque dies patet atri ianua Ditis); set revocare gradum superasque evadere ad auras, hoc opus, hic labor est.”

To this one guy at my alcoholism halfway house: “The football score? But I just checked it. MMMM, okay, fi-iiinne.” (Thirty seconds pass.) “24-17. No; the Giants are still up. …No, I’m writing an article. For, like, my job? No, it’s really not a blog; I don’t like calling it a blog. Blogs have like pictures of kittens on them, ha ha.”

To this other guy at my alcoholism halfway house: “…And the site’s called ‘Thought Catalog.’ Have you heard of it? No? …How do you become a writer? Well, see, originally I won a contest… No, you would probably try starting out with smaller websites first.” (This leads to a fifteen-minute description of the movie script that the guy is writing — “Mostly I’m into movies” — which, I swear to God, was the most confusing conversation that I’ve had in my entire life.) “…Way, wait. So two sets of identical twins? And which one is the serial killer again? And the lead detective is his… brother, okay. Okay, and you’d do this all with… CGI?  No; my agent really doesn’t do that type of thing. Well, sure. …Any idea for a movie is potentially a good idea. It’s in all in the execution. I mean, Star Wars, that sounds like a stupid idea if you just say it, ha ha. I mean, a guy rescues a princess and blows up a space station–?” (He cuts me off.) “Unhhh, sure, I can take a look at it when I have a chance.”

My ex-girlfriend’s answer: “Ugggh, all he ever does is write about how many girls he’s slept with.”

To myself, in a dark night of the soul: “Jesusf–kkkkingchrist whatamidoingwithmylife? Okay, okay. Stop freaking yourself out, dude.” TC mark

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Thumbnail image – A la recherche du temps perdu

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1470940346 Stephen Kirk

    Clever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1470940346 Stephen Kirk

    Clever.

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I’m still envious. And moms and grandmas ca never hear from you enough.

  • Compact_d

    Great work! The last point had me laughing out loud.

  • Anonymous

    Really good!

    However I had to stop and say, “Uh, Greek again.”

    • Oliver Miller

      I really like Ancient Greek, but I’m probably overcompensating, since I only remember about three words in it.  Even when I took it, I sucked at it/loved it.  Mostly I liked drawing the letters, like the letter “a” that looks like a fish.

    • Anonymous

      Attic Greek makes me want to gouge out my eyes. 

  • Anton

    Everything I write starts with good intentions and ends up talking about how many girls I fucked and how little I liked it.

    • http://twitter.com/MichaelTVickers Michael Vickers

      I have to delete the first paragraph of most things I write because it just implies that I’ve fucked a lot of girls, and it’s not that big a deal to me. Essentially, it’s a complete lie.

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • adam

    what are your readers doing with their lives? 

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Very amusing. Excited to see more.

  • lady

    Oliver Miller you cool cat you. one of the few truly good writers on this site.

  • Holly

    “The descent to hell is easy.” Oh, I loved this post soooo much!

  • Anonymous

    This, haha.

  • passant

    OH God, the last answer made me shiver. I do it too – all the time.

    But i loved a part with script writing guy… lol anyways, I think all ages has their top proffesions and some that are just not so on top (LOL) it’s like some people in the same time as you actually live in past, while you are too far in the future. did you see Night in Paris? It’s about this you’re talking about.

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    i read this and i liked it. 

  • Anonymous

    My first response to someone who says, “I’m a writer.” is, “So, how long have you been on welfare?”

  • Larugal

    Why did you delete all the comments from Reflections On Seeing My Ex-Lover’s Novel For Sale At The Mall??????
     

    • Tristinisolle

      Cause everyone figured out that his ex-lover is ‘Descendants’ author Kaui Hart Hemmings.

      • Taboo23

        What an awful way to make a living – ride on the coattails of your ex-girlfriend’s success.

      • Trendych2

        I just want to comment – Oliver is going to delete this anyway mwahahahaha

      • Oliver Miller

        It’s actually my editor who has the irritating job of deleting comments, but whatevs.

    • Googly

      Kaui Hart Hemmings  went to Sarah Lawrence College with Oliver.  I thought she would have better taste in men.

    • Googly

      Kaui Hart Hemmings is the girl screwing him in the car.

  • http://twitter.com/laundryandri Andri Alexandrou

    “To a girl at a bar” lololololololol You’re awesome Oliver.

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