Let’s Go To War!

Let’s talk about you for a second. You, if you are reading this, are almost certainly a troubled young person. You have too much free time on your hands. You enjoy reading articles that make jokes about Twitter and articles about girls with nebulous emotional problems. This is not good. Sit up straight while I’m talking. For chrissake stop slouching. What you lack is a sense of purpose. And do you know what would give you a sense of purpose? War. That’s right, war.

Are you ready? Are you excited? Can you feel that nervous tingle in the air? Hey, let’s go to war! Give me your war cry! War cry, raaaaah! Okay, that was terrible. We’ll work on that later on.

Now, some of you are sitting up in your chairs and saying, “But Oliver, I think we’re already fighting two or three wars. And yet I don’t feel that sense of purpose that you mentioned. In fact, I feel no sense of purpose at all.” …Right; well, that’s a good point, you. But here’s the thing about that. The wars that we’re fighting now are all bad wars. You can tell that they’re bad wars because we’re fighting Arabs or something. Think of it in movie terms. If you make a movie and make the Arab guy your evil guy, then you’re a racist asshole, which is bad. Whereas if you make a movie and have, say, an English dude as your bad guy, then you’re just expressing a natural dislike for English people, which is, of course, fine.

So we’re agreed. From now on, we will only fight wars against European countries and/or Russia, which might be an Asian country or might not exist anymore, I can’t remember. Now, I’ve written the names of all the European countries on small scraps of paper — including Luxembourg and Andorra, bet you forgot that they were countries, didn’t you? I will now fold these scraps of paper up and put them in a hat. I will now shake that hat and select a piece of paper at random. Huh, I picked France. That always seems to happen. Okay, I’ll put the paper back and try again. Nope, still France.

Okay, so we are now at war with the nation of… France. Haven’t you always hated the nation of France? If not, aren’t you magically suddenly starting to hate that country? F–king French, am I right?

Consider the advantages. You’re sitting at home in your boxers/panties, picking your nose and reading this article, thinking something boring in the back of your head. Like, maybe you’re thinking that this season of Mad Men isn’t quite as good as the other seasons of Mad Men. Who the f–k cares? Honestly, you may as well be dead.

Then, suddenly a letter is pushed through your mail slot. Wow, who even writes letters anymore? You open it: DEAR SIR/MADAM, YOU HAVE BEEN DRAFTED FOR WAR AGAINST THE NATION OF FRANCE. MOBILIZATION BEGINS TODAY. PACK YOUR GEAR AND HEAD TO THE FRONT, OUR NATION DEPENDS ON YOU AND GOD BLESS. Signed, Barack Obama. Now there’s that sense of purpose, all of a sudden. Don’t you feel energized? This is great. You’re no longer thinking about Mad Men. Now you’re thinking stuff like, How much does a bayonet wound hurt? Should I flee to Canada? What color are our uniforms? Blue or gray and will that match my hair?

In fact, war has so may advantages that it’s important to list them all.

PROS:

–Snappy uniforms. And H&M, Topshop, etc., are already stocking military jackets this season, so chances are that you’re already prepared for war.

–Guns. Do you have a gun? Would you like one? If so, then war might be just the thing for you.

–Good for rats and other assorted vermin.

–Xenophobia.

–Cool songs.

–The perfect excuse to get out of work: “I’m sorry I can’t come in today, I have to go to war, maybe you heard.”

–Ditto for your ex-girlfriend: “Sorry that I missed your text about our relationship, I guess I was a little concerned about dysentery, TB, and the upcoming season of trench warfare. P.S.: France delenda est.”

–An entire generation of Twilight fans might be decimated by this new war. No more Team Jacob or Team Edward. Now they’re all on Team Dead.

–War sex, which is probably like break-up sex but more intense.

–Nylons.

–Cigarettes.

–Parachutes.

–Grenades, etc.

CONS:

–None that I can think of.

So, avaunt! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of… fighting and stuff. To France! War cry, raaah. Why, we’ll be eating baguettes off their corpses under the Eiffel Tower by Spring, or if not by Spring, then certainly by Summer. Unless you’re dead by then. Death might be the one minor “con” of war. If any of your friends are afraid of death and so don’t want to “sign up” for war, try this on them. Say, “Whaddya… a pussy?” to them over and over again in a very slow, firm voice. That should work.

Or, if France doesn’t float your boat, another possibility that I’ve been mulling over in my head is a second Civil War right here in America. Except this time, it’d be every State for him or herself, until we finally figure out which the best state is. Think about it. Except for people who live in Alabama and awful places like that, no one seems to have any “state pride” anymore. This new Civil War would fix that. Like, do you know what your state song is? Did you know that the state bird of Pennsylvania is the ruffled grouse? Or that the state beverage of Louisiana is milk? Of course you don’t! But you’ll certainly take more of an interest in these facts once you’re fighting for your life against the invading hordes of Maryland. And imagine the speeches:

“Brave men of Pennsylvania! By tonight, we will have driven the enemy off the blessed soil of the Keystone State and back into their accursed commonwealth. I cannot lie to you, men. Some of you will not live to see Harrisburg again. But the victors will live to see our flag — the one with Lady Liberty, two horseys, and some sheaves of grain or something — flying over the burning spires of Baltimore. So, to battle, my men! Theirs shall not be a ‘Merry Land’ for long! (Hearty laughter.)”

…Anyway, so that’s war. Pip pip, damn the Hun, it’s a long way to Tipperary, and all of that. War cry, raaah. I hope that you’re all very excited, and I’ll see you at the front. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get fitted for my Pennsylvania State Militia uniform, and practice stabbing and glowering menacingly in the mirror. …As you were, solider. TC mark

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Thumbnail image – At close grips with the Hun

More From Thought Catalog

  • Nsain

    War cry, raaah! Digged the article dude :)

    • kaylee

      dug*

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        *diglett

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        dugtrio

  • Guest

     Ah I wish some of the writers on the internet would stop assuming that  the people who read their articles are Americans. I live in a rural area but I read too.Okay that sounds a lot more selfish than it did in my head. All in all, this article pumped the shit out of me. I think I just trolled.

  • General Lee

    *dug

    Good job America (on the whole) isn’t as terrible at spelling/grammar/speaking, writing and expressing the English language as it is at war, or you’d probably be speaking Cherokee or something by now.

    • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

      What does that even mean?

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      “Good job America isn’t as terrible”

      ???????

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      “Good job America isn’t as terrible”

      ???????

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      “Good job America isn’t as terrible”

      ???????

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      “Good job America isn’t as terrible”

      ???????

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

    • Oliver Miller

      Based on our last few wars, we’re pretty terrible at both, thanks.  The fact that you think that Americans are good at grammar is kinda cute, though.

  • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

    Google says there’s fifty states in the US, and without getting into alcohol are there really fifty different things you can drink? Is one of the state beverages Pepsi? Did they run out of things and start doing mad combos, like orange mocha frappucino? Does someone have Strawberry Nesquik? In that case, is Louisiana mad that Strawberry Nesquik state is piggybacking on their state beverage?

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      Arkansas, Delaware, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Minnesota, Mississippi, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Dakota, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia and Wisconsin all picked milk.  Nebraska has milk AND Kool-Aid, South Carolina has milk and SC-grown tea, and Rhode Island has “coffee milk,” whatever that is.

      • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

        What happens if you mix Kool-Aid and milk? Don’t you buy Kool-Aid as a powder? Does that mean they have a state powder? What’s the fattest state, and can their powder be sherbert powder please?

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        oh my god Nebraska is so cool for having a state powder

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        oh my god Nebraska is so cool for having a state powder

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        oh my god Nebraska is so cool for having a state powder

      • Oliver Miller

        Awesome that someone looked this up.  I would have just said, “Yeah, a lot of states picked milk.”  …Kool-aid?  “Coffee milk” is milk with coffee-flavored syrup in it, I don’t know why I know that.  Also, I used to live in Louisiana, and at no point was I like, “You know what would go great on this 105-degree day with 100 percent humidity, a nice glass of milk so that I could throw up now, blurg.”

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        I’m unemployed so learning about what states really fucking love milk is probably the most productive shit I will do today

      • Lizzie

        go to war

      • meelar

        I’m betting that Louisiana picked milk to counter the image of hard-boozing.  To which I cry BS.  Roll with it, guys! Goddamn puritans ruin everything. 

      • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

        Something tells me the Dairy Farmer Council had something to do with that.

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      Arkansas, Delaware, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Minnesota, Mississippi, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Dakota, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia and Wisconsin all picked milk.  Nebraska has milk AND Kool-Aid, South Carolina has milk and SC-grown tea, and Rhode Island has “coffee milk,” whatever that is.

  • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

    Google says there’s fifty states in the US, and without getting into alcohol are there really fifty different things you can drink? Is one of the state beverages Pepsi? Did they run out of things and start doing mad combos, like orange mocha frappucino? Does someone have Strawberry Nesquik? In that case, is Louisiana mad that Strawberry Nesquik state is piggybacking on their state beverage?

  • Josh Gondelman

    I’m in! But just because I really like getting mail that’s not junk mail. 
    I like your writing a great deal!

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Did anyone else starting humming that Fischerspooner song as they read this? (For the unfamiliar: www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNG-gYjneeA )

  • Anonymous

    How did you know I was slouching?!

  • Anonymous

    How did you know I was slouching?!

  • Raaaaahh

    This was freakin funny. NOW I WANNA GO TO WAR! Can I use a katana and a  shotgun? #diezombies

  • Anonymous

    This is the written version of a war movie. That’s a compliment. Painted a great picture, and funny too.

  • kaylee

    “Like, maybe you’re thinking that this season of Mad Menisn’t quite as good as the other seasons of Mad Men. Who the f–k cares? Honestly, you may as well be dead.” Haha, i love your wriiiiiting

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    This was super funny. 

    • Oliver Miller

      Oh, Stephaboo.

  • http://twitter.com/Me_Disguised Little Monster

    New Follower Here! Please Don’t Stop What Youre Doing Because Then I’ll Be Forced To Read Crappy Magazines Lying Around This Apartment. Idk About Anyone Else But Everytime You Wrote “War Cry, raaah” I Literally Went “RAAAAH!” & If I Get Into What I’m Reading It Means YOU ARE GOOD! Ha So Thank You. At Ease

  • http://twitter.com/Me_Disguised Little Monster

    New Follower Here! Please Don’t Stop What Youre Doing Because Then I’ll Be Forced To Read Crappy Magazines Lying Around This Apartment. Idk About Anyone Else But Everytime You Wrote “War Cry, raaah” I Literally Went “RAAAAH!” & If I Get Into What I’m Reading It Means YOU ARE GOOD! Ha So Thank You. At Ease

  • courtney

    ” You’re sitting at home in your boxers/panties, picking your nose and reading this article, thinking something boring in the back of your head.” lying here in my underwear with my computer on my stomach, just finished picking my nose as i read that line, thinking about the effort it’s gonna take to brush my teeth. might as well be dead. 

    also, is the f–k instead of fuck a new ad-pleasing TC move? 

    • Oliver Miller

      F–k is advertising-based, yeah.  The dashes also make TC look slightly like a 18th century political pamphlet, which is fine with me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I pictured Lee Ermey reading this to me while I’m in bed with socks full of soap.

  • http://twitter.com/AmyBarkham Amy Barkham

    Can I add you on fb or something? Can we grab coffee? OR… can you go to war in France and then write “A Farewell to Arms, Revisited” with me as Catherine and you as the lieutenant? 
    I love you. 

    • Oliver Miller

      You can add me on Facebook… Most of my girlfriends are acquired in pretty much this manner, so, you know, there’s that.

  • http://twitter.com/AmyBarkham Amy Barkham

    Can I add you on fb or something? Can we grab coffee? OR… can you go to war in France and then write “A Farewell to Arms, Revisited” with me as Catherine and you as the lieutenant? 
    I love you. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9383035 Scott Muska

    Oliver you crack me up. Faster Times represent.

  • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

    “An entire generation of Twilight fans might be decimated by this new war. No more Team Jacob or Team Edward. Now they’re all on Team Dead.”

    ~Yes.

  • jesssim6

    I’m in France right now. Can I be a spy?
    P.S. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried along with every one of those war cries.

  • Lizzie

    why do people hate the French so much?

  • Lizzie

    why do people hate the French so much?

  • Lizzie

    why do people hate the French so much?

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