10 Terrible Songs That I Love

2. Spice Girls, “2 Become 1”

I actually shoplifted the cassette single for this song, and more embarrassingly, I shoplifted it from a K-Mart. It’s one of the most shameful incidents in my life, and it means I can’t run for political office ever, because someone would manage to dig that fact up and I’d have to talk about it during a televised debate or something. “Apparently my ‘esteemed’ opponent once stole a copy of… ‘2 Become 1’? …Come on. That’s not even a good Spice Girls song.”

So true. It’s not a good Spice Girls song. It does, however, have a secret safe-sex message in the lyrics, which is nice, and oh so 1998. “Get a little bit wiser, baby/ Put it on, put it on.” See? That means condoms. The Spice Girls want you to use condoms.

Anyway, my favorite Spice Girl was always Posh, ’cause she’s the hottest. In fact, the ranking of Spices goes like this: (1) Posh. (2) Scary. (3) Ginger. (4) Sporty. (5) Baby. …My old roommate once told me that he had a thing for Baby Spice, and it really freaked me out. No one has a thing for Baby Spice.

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