I’ve Faked An Orgasm

Faking an orgasm, to me, shows a lot of heart, and concern for the other party involved, even. …No one wants to make that long walk of shame to the bathroom after having not made the other person come. And yes, I know — I’m a guy, so I’m not supposed to be able to fake orgasms. But you can. Let me explain to you how.

First of all, it’s crucial to be wearing a condom. Yes, we should all be wearing condoms all the time anyway or WE WILL ALL DIE OF AIDS. But especially for faking a male orgasm, this is crucial. Sex involves — how should I say this? — well, it involves… goo. If you are wearing a condom, said condom will trap that goo. And if you are a dude, and you’re faking an orgasm, then said condom will help trap imaginary goo. You groan and then you “come.” And then, what you do is go to the bathroom really really quickly and remove the condom, disposing of the non-evidence. That’s about all there is to it, apart from the emotional component.

Listen. I know that some people never fake orgasms, but I have. I’ve only done it about six or seven times in my life. …The sad fact is that I often have difficulty coming, which is mostly based on me being stressed out all the time, and also is probably based on the fact that I drink too much and smoke cigarettes. You shouldn’t really do either of those things in the first place, but medical professionals also mention that it makes it harder for you to come, which is the case, let me tell you.

There comes a point when sex just turns into pointless grinding and when will this ever end? Especially if the girl is on top, and especially if her skinny pelvic bones are grinding into your skinny pelvic bones, at which point the whole operation just becomes painful if you’ve been doing it for 45 minutes or so. It becomes less “sex,” and more of “a trip to the dentist’s office” of sorts.

_____

Of course, honey, I would never fake it with you. You can always make me come. I only ever faked it with those other girls. …Right?  But the thing is this: I really don’t mind faking it. It’s only polite. I don’t come about 40% of time, but I don’t fake it all the time. I only fake it when I feel really guilty and/or if I really like you.

And the truth is, I don’t mind not coming that much. Woody Allen had some joke about bad sex that I don’t quite remember, but the gist is this — bad sex is still better than 99% of most human activities. Would you rather surf the internet, or have bad sex? You’d rather have bad sex. Talk to your mom on the phone, or bad sex? Bad sex again. See a preview showing of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon or bad sex? …Well, you get the idea.

But even sex can be boring sometimes, and then you just want to end it. That’s nothing against the person you’re having sex with. Everything can be boring sometimes; that’s just a part of life. There’s a line in the novel Madame Bovary about “the eternal monotony of passion.” Right. Even the best thing that you can think of can be boring sometimes. I like playing video games, but I get bored with them sometimes, even though video games are designed to be fun. I like eating nachos, but if you eat enough of them, then you’re like, “Enough with the nachos already.” Sex is a human activity, and like all activities, sometimes it’s just a little bit full of fail.

_____

I’m not sure if I’m good at faking my orgasms or not. The thing about lying is this… Good liars know to add extraneous details to their lies — this is a way of distracting from the obviousness of the lie itself. A good liar gave me this piece of advice, the thing about adding details… but I, myself, am not a good liar. Still, I make an effort to be a good liar, even if I fail. “Whoa,” I say. “I totally felt like I wasn’t going to come and then it just came out of nowhere,” I say. But unfortunately, a bad lie puts the onus on the listener, not the teller of lies, and so perhaps some girls have had to fake-pretend along with my fake orgasm. I’m sorry if that’s happened, because that’s an awkward situation for everyone.

Fake it till you make it. As human beings, we aspire to reach perfection, but no one can be perfect all the time. If I’m faking it with you, it’s because you’ve made me come a bunch of times already, and I appreciate that. (In fact, my dominant thought while having sex, insofar as I have intelligible “thoughts,” is this — “Yahoo! Hurray for this! This is so much better than most other stuff!”)

And lest you think me a cad, I have been faked on too. I’m sure that I’ve been faked on a million times, but I also have one Confirmed Time that I was faked on. …In fact, the Confirmed Time was with the girl that I once intended to marry. I was fucking her while standing up, while she was lying on the bed, and it had all been going on for way too long, and I think it was the beginning of summer, and we hadn’t installed air conditioning yet, and we were both getting fairly sweaty and gross.

OH OLIVER!!!” she screamed, and then we could stop.

Cut to five minutes later, when we were spooning in bed–

“…Come on,” I said. “That was total bullshit, right?

She half blushed, half turned away. “…Yeah,” she muttered.

And I didn’t mind. …I thought that it was funny and cute. …I respected the effort. TC mark

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  • JWG

    I'm pretty sure guys fake orgasms a lot more than people think. It's like, “how can I get this to stop without hurting her feelings? I know, pretend to cum and then live a lie the rest of my life.”

  • freddipass

    What's an orgasm?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

    I was playing Never Have I Ever and I also get called for faking orgasms.

    Girls, it happens. And sometimes it doesn't.

  • guest

    I'm afraid to fake orgasms because I got busted.

    • guest

      Addendum:  Like seriously, who is sooooo bad at acting that she gets caught faking orgasms, man?  What the hell?

      • Oliver Miller

        You have to be sure to fake in the same way that you traditionally have an orgasm.  My person in question over-faked.

      • guest

        I tried, Oliver.  I tried.  =(

  • DPO

    Thanks for bringing attention to a little-known phenomenon. Everyone always goes on and on about women faking it, probably because it's titillating at a certain level, and it's that sort of discourse some like to have (“oh, look, the girls are having one over on the guys! he he!”), but it's just one-half of the story, or really probably less than that.

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    Have also totally faked it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/CaseyJonesATX Casey Jones

    I had to explain this technique multiple times yesterday while discussing yesterday's article and talking about fake orgasms. Kind of thought it was obvious, but I guess not.

  • http://twitter.com/brownnnbear Jocelyn

    i think faking it is more insulting than not coming at all. you're not sparing me the disappointment, you're trying to make it seem like i'm getting you off consistently which isn't the case. not every round has to end with an orgasm.

    if you're having sex & enjoying that person, then coming kind of becomes secondary cause you're caught in the moment of being with someone else in the most intimate of circumstances. [sorry that got really corny]

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I've faked an orgasm. Condoms help a lot.

    • slutidarity

      According to my friend, you can fake it even if condoms aren't involved. You just do it doggy-style, pull out when you're about to “come” and then spit on their back. 

      Yeah, I find this really gross and disturbing too.

  • slutidarity

    Guys have a lot more problems getting off than people think – it's probably compounded by the fact that the male orgasm is commonly perceived to be incredibly easy to achieve. A lot of my male friends have issues coming. I don't know why they insist on telling me, though, it's not like I intend to do anything about it for them.

  • yosoyrichie

    i swallow

  • http://twitter.com/crapface Hannah Foster.

    The bad sex thing is so true. Not to mention that it's always better to not come at all than to have a disappointing orgasm.

  • GoldGlass

    I think you and my boyfriend are the same person! He comes about 60% of the time, but when he's stressed out, that could drop to 30%. He doesn't fake with me now (we don't use condoms), it's extremely likely he did in our early days.

    I wanna add that just because someone doesn't come, it's not necessarily bad sex for them, and that this is a gendered issue in heterosexual (and probably other!) relationships. I can't come from p-in-v intercourse at this time in my life, but I sure as hell still love it and have great sex. This is true for a lot of women I know – we don't premise good sex on the orgasm. In contrast, many men and women do premise good sex on the male orgasm. If the women doesn't come, eh, maybe next time. If the MAN doesn't come? What the fuck is wrong with him??? 

    Having experienced the not-come with my boyfriend, I can say that as both of us move away from the “will he or won't he?” nail-biter attitude towards the male orgasm, we allow ourselves to enjoy the OTHER parts of sex. Like the bodies touching and all that stuff? Yeah. That stuff is pretty great too! Many men can enjoy that and have great sex even without the orgasm!

    • xra

      totally agree w/ this, especially the part about how ditching the focus on orgasms as the “goal” of sex lets you be more process-oriented and just fucking ENJOY the feelings you're creating in each other. Guys, you'll find that you feel much less rushed and urgent to get her clothes off, get it in and finish off, which will manifest in relaxed, confident foreplay hands (v. underrated sex skill)

      and if you do get off, it'll be a legit climax, not the perfunctory denoument it so often becomes

      • Oliver Miller

        Oh, “denouement,” we're all so smart now.

        …I'm merely fucking around; I really like that word.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000135790951 Matt Schultz

    sometimes tc just speaks my mind.

  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    Video?

  • http://twitter.com/FeHaciente Fernanda Cortes

    I've never had that “pelvic sore” thy're so damn hide! :D cute, I'm thankful about not being so extremely thin

  • Joan

    Seriously, your writing *does* suck. Specially when you’re trying to pass yourself as a resistant sex machine. Swallow your pride and brush up on your skills.

    • Momentum

      Do you have a blog/post to a blog where we can evaluate your work? Either way, I suggest you spend less time harassing people who enjoy writing, and spend more time working on your own skills. Most people appreciate constructive criticism – this is not it, this is just you being rude.

      Moving on – I enjoyed your article, Oliver. I hope the confirmed time isn’t the reason you didn’t get married!

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