ADORABLE! DOG! SENTENCED TO DEATH! BY STONING! …Well, we’re assuming that the dog in question is adorable, because most dogs are. But you never know. It could be one of those annoying small yappy dogs. Or, god forbid, even a disgusting poodle or something like that. Mostly, we just called the dog “adorable” to get you to click on this article. And it worked.

Anyway, hark to this story that is just coming out of Jerusalem:

A Jerusalem rabbinical court recently sentenced a wandering dog to death by stoning. The cruel sentence stemmed from the suspicion that the spirit of a famous secular lawyer, who insulted the court’s judges 20 years ago, had been transferred into the dog’s body.

Several weeks ago… a large dog entered the Monetary Affairs Court… The dog scared the court’s visitors and, to their surprise, refused to leave even after they attempted to drive him away.

One of the judges suddenly recalled that about 20 years ago, a famous secular lawyer who insulted the court was cursed by the panel of judges, who wished that his spirit would move on to the body of a dog …The lawyer passed away several years ago.

Still offended, one of the judges sentenced the poor animal to death by stoning, recruiting the neighborhood’s children to carry out the order. Luckily, the dog managed to escape.

Okay, does this “news of the weird”-type story make even less sense than usual, or am I just exhausted or hungover or something? A bunch of grown men seriously thought that the spirit of a lawyer entered a dog’s body twenty years later? That’s — words fail me — fucking… retarded.

But then, wacky Jewish laws like this rarely make sense anyway. In fact, vast swaths of Judaism make little sense. I’m Jewish, so I know, because the one time I tried to read the whole Bible, I became irritated and perplexed by, like, Page One. …Okay, so in the Book of Genesis? You know that one? On the first page of that book, God creates man and woman, then creates them again in an entirely different way. Then he creates plants, and then he creates plants all over again, even though they already exist. How many times do you have to create plants? Only one time, I say. And that’s just the first page of the Bible. Trust me, things get far, far weirder from there.

Anyway. Back to the dog! So, awesome job, evil judges, way to go. How are you “awesome”? Let us count the ways:

1. You’re retarded.

2. You wanted to kill a dog.

3. You sentenced the dog to death by stoning, which is the most exhausting and — I think — irritating way to kill something.

4. And finally, you compounded the already ridiculous evil-osity level… by wanting to have little kids stone the dog to death.

5. You are all a bunch of assholes.

But thank god, the dog “escaped,” though the article doesn’t quite mention how. Hopefully it escaped through an air-duct or by scratching a hole behind a conveniently-located poster in its doggy jail cell.  Or maybe it somehow assembled a team of dogs that helped to bust it out of the joint, all Ocean’s Eleven-style. Like a team of dogs where each dog had like a unique specialized talent, and they all worked in concert to get the one dog out. Because that would be great.

Anyway, you still suck, judges! Yeah. …Having little kids agonizingly stone a cute dog to death: we here at Thought Catalog are highly against that. It’s a controversial stand, but it’s one that we’re willing to take. You are welcome. Go dogs, go! 

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