Today, May 4th, is national “Star Wars Day,” when nerds everywhere gather in gleeful celebration of the joy that George Lucas has brought to their lives — with the hopeful exception of those three prequel movies that really really sucked. Of course, President Barack Obama won’t declare “Star Wars Day” to be an official national holiday, just like he can’t catch Osama bin Laden won’t release his birth certificate can’t do something else that we’ll think of later on. …Shame on you, Mr. President!
But why is today “Star Wars Day,” out of all the days in the year? Yeah, I didn’t know either, so I looked it up. Today is “Star Wars Day” because it’s May fourth, as in “May the fourth be with you.” If you think that’s indescribably lame, then you’re not alone, because I’m right there with you. …Another thing that I learned by looking up “Star Wars Day” is this, which is straight from the Wikipedia article–
Despite efforts to start a Jedi-ism Church with May 4 as its Star Wars Day, and despite the Catholic origin of the phrase… there is no religion-supporting organization that promotes May 4 as Star Wars Day apart from the Church of Jedi-ism.
Aw, shit! No major religions will endorse national Star Wars Day. Is this the Pope’s fault? …Can we blame this on the Pope? First, all of the pedophilia/rape, and now this.
Anyway, in honor of Star Wars Day, George Lucas has emerged from the dank cave where he resides on Skywalker Ranch, and has announced that he will be re-releasing all the “Star Wars” movies in Ultra-Special, No Really We’re Not Kidding This Time, Really Special Blu-ray format. …Of course, the Blu-rays won’t be out until September, but hey, you can pre-order them on Amazon or something. And then you can take your old pathetic Star Wars DVDs out to your driveway, jump up and down on them, and stomp them into little tiny broken pieces, while shedding salty tears over the fact that you invested in outdated technology — which is a new type of “Star Wars Day” celebration that I just thought of.
According to Mr. Lucas, the new Blu-rays will contain deleted scenes, documentaries, and a six-hour commentary from Carrie Fisher, where she hopefully talks about all the coke she did while filming The Empire Strikes Back. And really, the world deserves a Blu-ray version of Star Wars, so that we can finally watch the horrible stilted dialogue of Attack of the Clones in true 4:3 anamorphic video or whatever:
…Despite all the added extras on the new Blu-rays, there’s no word as to whether George Lucas will be including my “fan-fic” rewrite of the script for Episode I: The Phantom Menace, which is actually a real thing that I did, and which remains one of the most dark and shameful moments of my life.
But oh well. Happy “Star Wars” Day, everyone! In honor of this momentous day, here’s the scene where Luke finds out that Darth Vader is his father. “Wait,” you’re saying now. “Darth Vader is Luke’s father? …No. …No; that’s not true! That’s… impossible.” But we assure you, it’s possible. Very, very possible.