The sad part of this whole article is, I don’t even like being stoned. I am the worst, most stereotypical stoned person in the world. I get paranoid. I get dry-mouthed. I get the munchies. I laugh at stupid TV. I make phone calls that I shouldn’t make. I want to have sex. I say things like: “Please tell me that I don’t have to leave this room,” or, conversely — “I HAVE to go outside, I can’t handle this scene anymore.”
To sum up, mostly, I’m paranoid when stoned — but concurrently, I also think that every girl around me is flirting with me and desperately wants to have sex with me. This combination of paranoia and horniness does not make me a fun stoned conversational partner.
In fact, if you ever get stoned with me, I guarantee that I will utter the following sentence within five minutes: “Ugh, please don’t ever let me get stoned again; I hate it.” If you are the person getting stoned with me, I strongly urge you to remind me of this sentence, the next time I’m considering getting stoned with you. You won’t remember to remind me of this, though. No one ever does.
But anyway, when I do get stoned, I tend to say really stupid shit. And then sometimes I just say really stupid shit without being on drugs. Here is a (partial) list:
1) “I really wish I was in that thing where I was, y’know, inside? …Like in a house?” My friend: “You mean a room?” Me: “Yes, a room. Shit.”
2) “I really want to see that movie An Ant’s Bug. I mean, An Ant’s Life. …I mean, A Bug’s Life. …Aahhh, fuck it.”*
3) Inside a loud crowded bar, running up and screaming behind someone in a terrible Bono imitation: “EL-EE-VA-TION!!! …OhJesus ChristI’msorry, I thought you were my friend.”*
4) “I really want to take a bus to Europe.” My friend: “The whole ‘ocean’ aspect doesn’t concern you at all?”
5) “I really want to live high up in the mountains.” My friend: “No — you don’t.” Me: “You’re right, I don’t.”
6) “Why don’t we all just eat grass like cows? That would really help solve the global hunger problem.”*
7) “If people could just poop outside like animals, life would be better.” My friend: “No, it wouldn’t.”
8) “I think I’m having a Vietnam flashback!!!!” My friend: “Were you in Vietnam?” Me: “No.”**
9) “I really feel like Screech just isn’t trying anymore.” This was me, while watching ‘Saved by the Bell,’ stealing an in-context-funny-joke that my friend had made ten minutes before, while still talking to my same friend, having forgotten that I was still speaking to the person whose joke I was stealing. The look of contempt that my friend gave me was unforgettable.
10) “Wow, Kermit the Frog must be rolling over in his grave.” Said while standing in line in Starbucks, while a horrible alt-rock version of “The Rainbow Connection” was playing. To be fair, this was one of the funniest things that I’ve ever said. But I was so excited when I thought of it that I turned around and said it to the the girl behind me, forgetting that I did not know the girl behind me and that she was a complete stranger. The girl’s look of indescribable contempt that she gave me was — likewise — unforgettable.*