Thought Catalog

Stupid Things That I Have Said, Mostly When Stoned

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The sad part of this whole article is, I don’t even like being stoned. I am the worst, most stereotypical stoned person in the world. I get paranoid. I get dry-mouthed. I get the munchies. I laugh at stupid TV. I make phone calls that I shouldn’t make. I want to have sex. I say things like: “Please tell me that I don’t have to leave this room,” or, conversely — “I HAVE to go outside, I can’t handle this scene anymore.”

To sum up, mostly, I’m paranoid when stoned — but concurrently, I also think that every girl around me is flirting with me and desperately wants to have sex with me. This combination of paranoia and horniness does not make me a fun stoned conversational partner.

In fact, if you ever get stoned with me, I guarantee that I will utter the following sentence within five minutes: “Ugh, please don’t ever let me get stoned again; I hate it.” If you are the person getting stoned with me, I strongly urge you to remind me of this sentence, the next time I’m considering getting stoned with you. You won’t remember to remind me of this, though. No one ever does.

But anyway, when I do get stoned, I tend to say really stupid shit. And then sometimes I just say really stupid shit without being on drugs. Here is a (partial) list:

1) “I really wish I was in that thing where I was, y’know, inside? …Like in a house?” My friend: “You mean a room?” Me:  “Yes, a room. Shit.”

2)  “I really want to see that movie An Ant’s Bug. I mean, An Ant’s Life. …I mean, A Bug’s Life. …Aahhh, fuck it.”*

3)  Inside a loud crowded bar, running up and screaming behind someone in a terrible Bono imitation:  “EL-EE-VA-TION!!!  …OhJesus ChristI’msorry, I thought you were my friend.”*

4)  “I really want to take a bus to Europe.” My friend: “The whole ‘ocean’ aspect doesn’t concern you at all?”

5)  “I really want to live high up in the mountains.” My friend: “No — you don’t.” Me: “You’re right, I don’t.”

6)  “Why don’t we all just eat grass like cows? That would really help solve the global hunger problem.”*

7)  “If people could just poop outside like animals, life would be better.”  My friend: “No, it wouldn’t.”

8)  “I think I’m having a Vietnam flashback!!!!” My friend: “Were you in Vietnam?” Me: “No.”**

9) “I really feel like Screech just isn’t trying anymore.” This was me, while watching ‘Saved by the Bell,’ stealing an in-context-funny-joke that my friend had made ten minutes before, while still talking to my same friend, having forgotten that I was still speaking to the person whose joke I was stealing. The look of contempt that my friend gave me was unforgettable.

10) “Wow, Kermit the Frog must be rolling over in his grave.” Said while standing in line in Starbucks, while a horrible alt-rock version of “The Rainbow Connection” was playing. To be fair, this was one of the funniest things that I’ve ever said. But I was so excited when I thought of it that I turned around and said it to the the girl behind me, forgetting that I did not know the girl behind me and that she was a complete stranger. The girl’s look of indescribable contempt that she gave me was — likewise — unforgettable.*  TC mark

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    • http://ethecofem.blogspot.com April

      5)  “I really want to live in high up in the mountains.” My friend: “No — you don’t” Me: “You’re right, I don’t.”

      I had almost exactly this conversation with my husband while stoned the other day, only I wanted to live in the country and have ponies.  He reminded me that that would be terrible, and it became immediately apparent that he was correct.

    • Merissa K.

      should i also keep a book, listing all the stupid things that I have said when high? hehh. what am i talking about? i would be too lazy to even lift a pen!

    • bree

      you funny

      • jack

        *you're funny

        • Bree

          you're a dick.

    • Friendsz

      Er, as a regular stoner, I agree that what you do and say when stoned is rather retarded. That said, this article is even more so.

    • Poob Smoad Attorney at Law

      I'm sorry, but this just isn't up to standard

      • Oliver Miller

        I myself have my issues with this article.  With that said, your internet name is dumb.

    • Duke Holland of Gishmale

      I think you should start a list of stupid things you've written.

    • obsolete

      i don't care if this isnt one of the best articles on tc.
      it was funny and made me chuckle out loud.

    • Rachel Butters Scotch

      I now have a crush on Oliver Miller.

      • Polarstern

        Me too.

    • http://www.noahtourjee.com Noah Tourjee

      Whenever I get stoned I just ask everyone around me if I am going to die. I don't get stoned any more.

    • http://twitter.com/dianasof Diana Z.

      One time we were having a bonfire at the beach and some people got stoned. One guy claimed that the fire was talking to him, and the other began quacking at nonexistent ducks.
      Is it sad that I would say most of these things while sober?

    • http://www.facebook.com/PlaceboDomingo Maa' Hes

      3/10

    • Asterisks

      Why do some of 'em have stars at the end?

      • Sophie

        * = Things said when I was un-stoned when there was no excuse for saying them.** = Things that were said when I also happened to be on mushrooms.

    • SisterRay

      I love this. I have had some form of all these conversations. We should hang out.

    • riles

      Can we get stoned together someday, plz? After our wedding, o'course.

      • Oliver Miller

        I still need pics or gtfo.  Also, I have to figure out if you're a guy or a girl.

        • riles

          I don't have a facebook and I'm a girl.

        • Oliver Miller

          I'm learning…  Pics can be send via my email address, thanks; this comment also applies to the wider TC community at-large.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jade.orlich Jade Mitchell

      I enjoyed your article of board game reviews – however, this article (some of the content, at least, including the parts about the “Vietnam flashbacks” and “bus to Europe” ) isn't as organically funny as what I've come to expect from your other writings. 

      You're a funny guy, though. :)

      • Oliver Miller

        I kind of dislike this article too, people!  Let's move on.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      #10 is amazing.

      once i got high and noticed that we had a bunch of those magnetic poetry pieces lying around on the floor. the ones we had were from an NYU “gender is a lie” functions (of which there were many) and had words like “zir” and “trans” printed on them.

      i picked up a small square, “ze” i believe, and put it on my tongue. i was attempting to recreate the scenario of 'doing acid', i.e. putting a stamp of lsd on my tongue.

      'yo, yo, yo yo guys…i'm so…genderqueer…right now,' i said, attempting to sound 'stoned' or 'high' based on the 'acid' on my tongue.

      also once i drew a bottle of lemonade and hung it on my door. i felt REALLY INTENSE about that one.

    • Danielle

      Oliver! you're hilarious!

    • rollerblades

      Wait, what? Why are people saying this is so funny? Oh I get it, you got your friends to come comment!
      “The funny shit I've said” is the most self-involved idea for an article. Every single one of these things is a “had to be there” moment. Embarrassing.

      • Oliver Miller

        Yes, dude, I secretly beg my friends to come and comment on my unfunny articles.  You've cracked the code; for truly, I am that lame.  Wheels within wheels.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=567590480 Ng Lay Peng

      #8 cracked me up!

      • Oliver Miller

        Vietnam jokes never go out of style.

    • Martyngruneberg

      Stupid thing ive said while stoned,

      Seein a tesco advert and saying “”Have you ever realised how massive tesco is?””

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