Lady and the Tramp
First message of this movie: “Dogs nosing through a plate of spaghetti is adorable and in no way unsanitary.” Second message of this movie: “Rich girls should marry cocky asshole-ish ruffians from the wrong side of the tracks, because eventually, those assholes might settle down and start treating them right.” …It’s thinking like this — implanted in our brains via cartoons at an early age — that leads to disasters like Britney Spears getting married to Kevin Federline. Sort of. .
In real life, the Lady and the Tramp message seems a bit… sketchy. In real life, if you marry an asshole, he’s pretty much going to remain an asshole and not suddenly become mild-mannered and charming. Trust me on this one. However, I can’t really hate on this movie. It features dogs. Talking dogs. I like dogs and I like talking, and the combination of these two things — well, that’s pretty good also. Grade: A-minus
The Little Mermaid
…Which should win some kind of an award for “least accurate depiction of a fairy-tale, ever.” In the Disney version of this story, Ariel (the mermaid) gets the guy and they get married and everyone is happy, FOREVER. In the original Hans Christian Andersen version of the story, that’s not quite what happens.
In the real version of the story, the mermaid has her fins magically transformed into legs, but it feels like she’s stepping on broken shards of glass with every step that she takes. Then, even though she’s transformed herself into an approximation of a human being, the prince dumps her for an actual human chick. Then, upon being left at the altar, she jumps out of a boat, commits suicide, dies, and is magically transformed into… sea foam. (Keep in mind, by the way, that none of this makes any fucking sense whatsoever.)
So, if we’re paying attention at home, the actual original moral of The Little Mermaid is this:
Don’t ever take a risk, or fall in love, because you’ll get turned into SEA FOAM. …FUCKING SEA FOAM!
So there’s that. Not the most empowering or uplifting message, but we are all worried about being transformed into sea foam, so I guess the moral remains relevant, even to this day. …I suppose this would be a good time for me to complain about Disney movies and how the Walt Disney Corporation has turned an originally dark story into vaguely sentimental pap, but really, I’d rather watch a movie where the heroine isn’t HORRIBLY PUNISHED for trying to seek a different life. …Although the book version of the story does win points for not featuring a reggae-fied crab. So in conclusion, all in all, the whole kit-and-caboodle basically receives a grade of: C. Grade: That’s right, C
…If the lesson of The Little Mermaid is “Don’t try to do anything, ever,” then the lesson of Cinderella is this: “It’s better to be really really hot than ugly.” It’s hard to argue with that one, I guess. (The other lesson of Cinderella is “magical talking mice are helpful,” but you knew that already.)
This is yet another movie where Disney has taken some crazy liberties with the original version of the fairy tale. In the original version of Cinderella, the wicked stepsisters have their feet chopped off, their eyes pecked out by birds, and then are forced to wander the land as blind crippled beggars. Jesus! I think it’s about time to ask: what the fuck is wrong with the people who write fairy tales? Do they want to traumatize little children? Are they sadists? I mean, I’m not defending the wicked stepsisters here. They clearly kind of suck. …But still, blinding people and chopping their feet off: I’m against that. That’s a strong moral stand on my part, but it’s a stand that I’m willing to take. Grade: D-plus
Beauty and the Beast
The list of Disney heroines that I’d really like to have hot sex with goes something like this:
1) Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
2) Princess Jasmine from Aladdin.
3) …An-nnd that’s about it, I guess. .
Look. I know that we’re talking about cartoon characters here; but let’s face it — Belle is hot. She’s French, she can sing, she likes to read books, and that’s really all that I need in a girl. Also, Belle says that she wants “adventure in the great wide somewhere.” That’s a little vaguely put, but I agree! I want to have adventures too! And like me, Belle thinks that “there must be something more than this provincial life.” So true! I mean, this can’t be all there is… can it?
Anyway, in my poorly thought-out sexual fantasies involving Belle, we meet somewhere in her village, I take her out for a moderately-priced French meal, and then we — I dunno — have sex in a haystack or something. And then we go home and talk about our favorite books. My sexual fantasies are very restrained like that. Grade: B-plus
…I never really thought about this before writing this column, but why does Pinocchio care so much about being a puppet versus being a Real Live Boy? Being a magical talking puppet sounds pretty cool to me.
…And on a deeper level, does this mean that all wooden toys don’t want to be wooden toys? And on an even deeper level, does this mean that all inanimate objects hate being inanimate? You’d think they’d be content or something. …Do trees loathe their own tree-ishness? Do rocks really wish that they were something other than rocks? I kind of really wish that I still got stoned, because this would be a good pointless five-hour conversation/debate to have if you were stoned, but oh well. .Grade: C