POLL: Who Would You Rather Bang — Hemingway or Fitzgerald?

Sexy young writers!  They’re…  sexy.  Okay, that’s a tautology, but whatever.  They’re sexy, and thus we want to sex them.  But who is the sexiest young writer guy of them all?

We’ve already handled the tricky question of “Who was the sexiest suicidal female confessional poet?”  (Congrats, by the way, Sylvia Path.)  Now let’s do a little something for the ladiez (you are welcome, by the way, ladiez), and move on to topic of the sexiest young 1920s male novelist, which poses the eternal question:  Hemingway or Fitzgerald?  Yes, I am putting my Master’s Degree in Literature to good use!  Also, I might mention here that in order to write this article, I had to repress my considerable hatred for Ernest Hemingway (as a person, not as a writer; he’s an okay writer). So, you are also welcome for that.  Now let’s begin the actual article.




Ernest Hemingway

D.O.B: July 21, 1899

Place of birth: Oak Park, Illinois

Cause of death: Committed suicide via shotgun, in 1961. Hemingway died in his house in Idaho, of all places. He killed himself because he was suffering from writer’s block and believed that he wouldn’t be able to write anymore. He had previously tried to commit suicide by walking into the spinning propeller of an airplane. His wife knew that he was suicidal, but left him alone with a shotgun, because she believed that “a man should have a gun.”

…Did he like to party?: Yes, he liked to party.

Favorite drink: Daiquiris, which is surprisingly pussy-ish for a “man’s man” like Hemingway. However, at the time, daiquiris were a new drink, just recently introduced from Cuba, so this is the equivalent of Hemingway being really into mojitos or the latest trendy martini o’ the month.

Fun facts about Ernest Hemingway: Pretty much every fact about Ernest Hemingway is a “fun fact.” He volunteered for service in World War I and was wounded on the Italian front, then fell in love with his nurse. Later on, he boxed, hunted big game, was a war correspondent during World War II, and survived a plane crash in Africa. And also — oh yeah — he got married six times.

But did he have a big penis?: Yeah, probably. Unless he was lying and overcompensating with all the wars, hunting, and boxing and shit. After Fitzgerald was dead, Hemingway wrote a memoir in which he yapped about how Fitzgerald had a small penis, and then talked about how he — Mr. Big Cock Hemingway — reassured him about this. Of course, Hemingway waited until Scottie was dead to write this — which is kind of a dick move, so to speak.

Was he an asshole?: Oh, yeah. Such an asshole. Fitzgerald was the older and more famous writer, and essentially jump-started Hemingway’s career for him. Hemingway repaid Scottie by being an asshole to him for the rest of his life. On the other hand, some girls do like jerks, so this might be an inducement for banging him. To quote the movie The Last Days of Disco: “Women prefer ‘bad’… to weak and incompetent.”

What was his best book?: The Sun Also Rises, which coined the phrase “The Lost Generation,” which was sort of the “Generation X” of its day. This was his first novel. It also happened to be the only novel where Hemingway bothered to create an actual three-dimensional female character: after this, he reverted to two-dimensional chicks whose job was to stand around and yap about how hot and awesome and manly Hemingway’s main character was. …But then again, girls do like jerks — so, um, see above.

What’s a famous quote by Hemingway?: A man can be destroyed but not defeated.” …Which is a classic Hemingway quote, given that all his books are about men… man.  All his books are also about dudes struggling against impossible odds: struggling against a hopeless war, or to catch a gigantic fish, and so on and so forth.  …Note also that this quote is borderline incomprehensible and meaningless.  …A man can be destroyed but not defeated. Okay then. But you could reverse “destroyed” and “defeated,” and the quote would still pretty much be the same. Does this quote mean anything? Nothing? Something? It sort of means something but it’s dangerously close to meaning nothing.

What kind of lover would he be?: Well, as I mentioned, Hemingway was married six times — which either means that he was a super-stud, or that he was unbearable to be around. Also, based on reading his biography, I know this horrifying fact about Hemingway — he didn’t “believe” in masturbation, and refused to do it. So he had a lot of pent-up energy to put into sex. Anyway, as we have seen, Hemingway liked to travel. So he’d probably be the kind of dude who would take you on an exciting plane trip to some amazing restaurant in, say, Barcelona, one that only the locals had ever heard of. You’d eat an amazing meal, and then you’d have to sit around while he smoked cigars and talked about what a big lasagna he was. Then he’d take you back to the hotel for some retro-style, silence-slash-grunting-style sex. …So: good times? Bad times?


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  • http://twitter.com/NukeSpoon Crispy Frontboat

    I instantly thought Fitzgerald. Then realised you weren't talk about Ella, and was irreparably disappointed.

  • http://twitter.com/jarrodcohen Jarrod Cohen

    Born in 1986 eh?

  • Aelya

    Fitzgerald's writing>

    But Hemingway's a babe

  • http://twitter.com/darkheadlights Erin B.

    Um, Lolita isn't an American novel.

    • Some Kid

      Considering that Nabokov was living in America at the time that he wrote the novel (and had been for over 10 years), and it takes place very explicitly in America, I would say that it is an American novel in a certain sense.

      • Oliver Miller

        I'd go with what P.H. and Some Kid said.

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        He also loved being American. Read his Playboy interview. Jesus.

    • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

      What makes you say that?

      My thinking is that Nabokov wrote it while living in America as an American citizen, that it's about America, and that Americans are the ones who most celebrate it to this day.

    • LitNit

      Um, yeah, Nabokov lived here and taught here and had ceased writing in Russian, instead wrote in English which had a dramatic impact on what he wrote. Lolita was written “Nabokov wrote Lolita while travelling on butterfly-collection trips in the western United States that he undertook every summer.”

      • Rachel Butters Scotch

        But Lolita was written in Russian.

      • cazador


      • Oliver Miller

        What Cazador said.

      • Anon

        You guys are all dumb. Lolita is a Spanish name.

      • Oliver Miller


      • Brandon

        lolita def wasn't written in russian

        it was however published first in paris

        (this information took me appx 30 seconds to obtain via wikipedia)

    • http://twitter.com/smashisms Jessica Poolt

      Nabokov wrote Lolita (in english) while living in America. I think it counts.

  • YO


    • Oliver Miller

      • YO

        there were zero posts at the time, but I actually read the article this time, and missed out…

  • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa Luke Bourassa

    I voted before I read “no homo” :( But still, Hemingway. Hands down.

    • Oliver Miller

      The “no homo” thing was an in-joke of sorts, if you will. ;)

      • eddyindigo

        Well, there's probably also an article in, say, “Auden or Ginsberg?”

      • Oliver Miller

        Auden is my favorite poet, but, um… not a good-looking dude.

      • eddyindigo

        Yeah, that was a bad example.

      • lzr

        Intent is besides the point. Some people found it offensive, so you apologize and never repeat it. Defending yourself over something others are offended by is immature and it digs you further into a hole of douchery.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=856695260 Sam Sigelakis- Minski

        He shouldn't have to apologize; he's the author, and it is therefore his work. That creative license allows him to write whatever the hell he wants. Some people will like it (like myself) and some won't, but NO ONE has the right to make him change his work unless he wants to.

      • lzr

        wait. you srsly just said people shouldn't apologize for offensive shit?

      • SamSigelakisMinski

        When it comes to writing? Yeah, I did SERIOUSLY say that.

      • SaraJane

        freedom of speech! yay i LIKE you :)

      • Grapeus McApeus

        Getting offended by something noone meant any malice by is the quintessence of douchery. I know noone is still reading but your reply offended me, so I had to put this here.

  • http://profiles.google.com/isabelle.a.ferreira Isabelle Ferreira

    Well, considering Fitzgerald is turning 25 in september according to this article –I'd have to say I would choose Fitzgerald. Anyone over 100 is just not my thing. Ya know?

  • Ssigelakisminski

    I would so be down for some Fitzgerald. I'm past the “loving asshole” stage of my life, and Hemingway was nothing if not a total, unrepentant ass hole.

    Also, Hemingway is such a fucking manic depressive; I get sad just reading basically anything he wrote. Nah, I'll stick with the happy drunk, not the suicidal one.

  • YO

    “'Course, Hemingway's big problem all his life, I've always thought,” Sidney Franklin once told author Barnaby Conrad, “was he was always worried about his picha [penis]. The size of it, that is.” “Small?” Conrad wondered. Sidney Franklin “solemnly held up the little finger of his left hand with his thumbnail at the base,” Conrad reported. “He appraised it with a critical eye; then he raised his thumbnail up a fraction of an inch in reevaluation. “'Bout the size of a thirty-three shell,” he said.”

    “Scott was likewise ashamed of another part of his body–his penis. Zelda once told him that he could never satisfy her or any other woman, saying his problem was “a matter of measurements.” His ego shattered, he consulted Hemingway, who suggested that they compare organs and afterward declared that Scott's was normal-sized. Fitzgerald was unconvinced, so Hemingway took him to look at statues in the Lourve. But even this failed to restore Fitzgerald's self-esteem.”

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry


  • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

    Million bucks on Hemingway being the better fuck. I'll take Fitzgerald's writing, though.

  • Dom

    it's like shoot shag marry: marry fitzgerald, shag hemingway, and then shoot hemingway.

    • YO

      just tell hemmyway he's got a diminutive prick and he'll shoot himself for you.

  • federico

    fitzy, although hemingway's house is really nice

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    I didn't vote (obvious reasons), but I imagine (and your articles supports) that Fitzgerlad was the more clitoral of the two writers. He'd circle and seduce. Hemingway would just take a women to pound town.

    • nico

      Unfortunately, if I have to choose one or the other, I'm totes going to pound town.

  • http://epsteinian.tumblr.com/ i.e.

    Fitz DUH!



    • Oliver Miller

      Unless this is a parody, I'm not sure that you've gotten the hang of this comment section yet, buddy.

      • REI KOZ


      • http://www.facebook.com/people/josh-mosh/28601084 josh mosh

        the hang of caps lock for one….also…cringeworthy hate-speech is generally frowned upon. CHEERS DICKWAD!

      • REI KOZ


      • raerae

        This is just ridiculous ^

  • Some Homo

    Are you so insecure in your masculinity and scared of coming off as gay that you HAD to make sure you included “no homo” in your introduction? I stopped reading after that. Would it really be that awful to be considered gay? If you're as down with “the gay things” we do, you don't need to start with some kind of disclaimer announcing your heterosexuality. As someone that is gay, I am insulted and sickened at that thought that someone with such a platform would stoop to a phrase like that. It's as bad as saying “that's gay” in lieu of calling something lame or stupid. It's those phrases that continue to perpetuate bullying and the idea that being gay is something that's wrong. This could not be farther from the truth. Going forward I can only hope that you will take more time when creating these posts and think more carefully about the words you choose. They DO have an impact, even if you can't see it directly.

    • Oliver Miller

      The humor column contained a joke. This was already addressed further down in the comments, if you care to look.

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        How do these people find TC? I come here for the snark and hilarity myself. Thin-skinned people make life less bountiful, I think. Who wants to spend all that time explaining themselves? Sorry you take offense. I'm sorry that free speech didn't keep you in mind when it liberated the United States some 200+ years ago. I'm sorry there were no exceptions made for People Who Can't Take A Joke Or Laugh At Themselves.

      • Some Homo

        @Oliver, While I recognize that this is a humor column, the phrase “no homo” is not a joke. It's something bros use to defend their masculinity. I did see your comment addressing it, however I felt the urge to point out how comments such as “no homo” come off to those that are homosexual and/or are struggling with their sexual identity.

        @P.H. Madore, No apologies needed. My skin is plenty thick. I CAN take a joke and laugh at myself. However, saying “no homo” is only a joke if you're in on it (i.e. straight). While I respect freedom of speech, I do not condone hate speech. And quite simply, he actually did spend the time to explain his extremely non-existent homosexuality by saying, “no homo” when he didn't have to say anything at all. It shouldn't matter and doesn't need to be explained to anyone. A person's sexual orientation it nobody's business but their own. So go take you hetero privileges, and your pedestal, get married and be effing miserable your whole life.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=856695260 Sam Sigelakis- Minski

        Actually, Some Homo, a lot of my friends are gay and use the “no homo” phrase as a joke; some say, “no hetero” for further humor.

        You are simply being thin-skinned, or overly sensitive, and to be honest, should probably not be looking at this site at that rate, if you are someone who gets offended by things like this.

      • CoffeeAndChicory

        yes, totally thin-skinned. I mean, regardless of the fact that there have been multiple honor rapes and murders of lesbians in South Africa in the last couple weeks, the Ugandan parliament has been reviewing a “kill-the-gays” bill, and every year tons of teenagers around the US off themselves because of the pain of being rejected and abused because of their sexuality. Totally thin-skinned. silly, in fact.

      • T6

        wow, you're a jerk.

      • Oliver Miller


      • CoffeeAndChicory

        the only joke in the column is your insecurity. Hope it's cool having a small dick.

  • http://fuckyeahpassiveagressive.tumblr.com Chris

    hemingway is hot… xD

  • alex

    don't be a dick to Hemingway

  • typo

    i love both writers for different reasons. and i find myself being a little bit of both

  • TheLordGodBird

    You know jack shit about Hemingway and Fitzgerald. This article has more holes than Osama Bin Laden's head

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=856695260 Sam Sigelakis- Minski

      That is just in bad taste, first off.

      Second, I think that the author was just giving little “snippets” of the two authors' lives, not a whole fucking biography.

  • Crashoff

    neither! jd salinger please

    • Oliver Miller


    • http://literarydilettantes.com Nicole

      I like you.

  • Jody Fossler


  • http://metrophones.tumblr.com/ Rebecca Raia

    Wait. Have you read Moveable Feast?

  • http://www.facebook.com/archee.singh Archee TheRion Singh

    See, if this was who would you rather bang multiple times, maybe have a relationship kind of not really on-and-off thing with, then Fitzgerald for sure. Undoubtedly.

    Once? Give me the asshole. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing in the sack, and thank fuck I don’t have to listen to him talk in the morning.

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