Thought Catalog

Notes On Dating A Crazy Girl

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No one ever sets out to date a crazy girl, in the same way that no one ever sets out to become a member of a cult. No one’s like, “HEY MAYBE I’LL JOIN AN INSANE CULT TODAY.” No, you just gradually get sucked in — step by step, day by day, hour by hour — until eventually, you’re just as crazy as she is.

It’s like Stockholm Syndrome. It’s like how Patty Hearst ended up becoming a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army. Crazy people just wear you down like that. You go from “Ohmigod I can’t believe these insane people kidnapped me,” to “Fuck it, maybe I will help rob a bank,” to, “…Wow, this machine gun fires a lot more smoothly than I thought it would!

_____

In retrospect, the fact that Amber had no real furniture in her apartment should have been a tip-off. She also had no TV, no internet, no decorations on the walls, etc… She said that she was a sculptor, but there were no sculptures… anywhere in the apartment. Not that I care about watching TV or even about sculpture that much, but overall, the effect was troubling. Or, the effect should have been troubling, had I been paying attention at all.

But that’s how crazy girls (or guys, no doubt) end up tricking you. What later presents itself as true craziness only seems like mild quirkiness in the beginning. So she didn’t have any furniture. What did I care? …How could I have predicted that two months later, Amber would be screaming at me on the phone, telling me that she could have me hunted down and killed by a team of military experts? THIS IS ACTUALLY SOMETHING THAT SHE SAID TO ME. “I could have your legs broken, if I wanted to,” she said. “…Bring it on,” I mumbled back. “My life couldn’t get that much worse at this point. Cue the leg-breaking.”

_____

But she didn’t look crazy. She didn’t have dark hair or smeared mascara; she didn’t wear all black or act “goth-y.” She looked like what she essentially was: a rich WASP-y girl from New England.

On our first date, we got drunk at a bar. I knocked over a plate and broke it. I was comforted by the fact that she was somehow drinking more than I was, which is nearly impossible. I took a bunch of Adderall and we went back to her place and fucked four times. Then we woke up in the morning and did it again. Within a few days, I was living with her.

_____

Look, I don’t hold myself blameless here. Clearly, I am not immune from acting crazy myself. I drink too much, I smoke too much, I actually have a form of OCD which involves pulling out your own hair. No one moves in with a girl after three days, but I did. But there’s a difference between being “crazy” and being crazy crazy.

Amber was bipolar; she had bipolar disorder. And she would drink massive amounts of booze on top of her “meds,” ignoring the warning labels on her medicine bottles — the warning labels which said that drinking on top of her pills would lead to violent mood swings.

Amber was also brutal. I soon learned that anything that I said could be grist for a potential fight. Once, she started screaming at me because I said that she was “skinny.”

“YOU THINK THAT THIS IS SKINNY?” she said, taking a slug from her juice glass full of vodka.  “I’LL TELL YOU WHAT SKINNY IS. I USED TO BE ANOREXIC, NOW THAT WAS SKINNY.”

Oh, great… I thought.

“Um, I meant it as a compliment?” I said.

“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!!”

_____

Going for a walk, buying a TV, the proper way to cook grilled cheese — these could all be the potential causes of fights. Soon, my voice acquired a permanent quaver at the end of sentences. “Honey?” I would say. But I would say it like this: “Hon-neeeee?” As in, please don’t throw anything else at me.

“WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU TALKING TO ON THE PHONE?”

“Honey? My friend Tiffany?”

“OHHH, TIFFANY, WHAT, ARE YOU GUYS GONNA FUCK NOW?”

“She lives 1,500 miles away. She’s married. I gave her away at her wedding. How can I… fuck her?”

“I JUST CAN’T HANDLE THE LIES ANYMORE, OLIVER.”

…Eeek.

_____

But Amber was really good in bed; and there you have my epitaph, or one of them, anyway: “But she was really good in bed.” It’s not a good excuse for dating anyone, but I guess it’s all I’ve got.

Being insane really helped Amber be uninhibited in bed. We would have endless loud screaming fights, and then endless loud screaming sex. “Oh, fucking pound me!” she would scream. “I’m gonna make you come all night!” Okay then.

Her orgasm noise was like the dying wail of something or other: “OHMIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWD.” Meanwhile, our neighbors would be banging angrily on the walls of her apartment. Yes, I had become that person. I had become the member of the couple that the neighbors hated.

_____

There were other consolations as well. Amber would tell me fifteen times a day that she loved me more than anyone else ever could; that she understood me in a way that no one else ever could. Okay then.

And she thought that every girl on the face of the earth wanted to sleep with me. Since I don’t actually look like Brad Pitt in real life, this was highly flattering.

“WHO WERE YOU JUST TALKING TO?”

“…The waitress?”

“THAT BITCH BETTER WATCH OUT, I SAW HER MAKING EYES AT YOU.”

“…The waitress that I just gave money to for a cheeseburger?”

And that’s when it starts. You start to believe your own crazy hype. …Wow, maybe every single girl ever does want to fuck me, you think. …Wow, when she’s not screaming at me, my girlfriend just constantly tells me how amazing I am.

_____

I broke up with Amber a while ago, but I still hear from her. She calls me up ten times a day to tell me that she loves me. Every tenth time or so, I pick up, and then, somehow, we get into a huge fight. …But in a way, this is all my fault. I know I shouldn’t pick up the phone, but I do. I just like the attention, I guess.

And so, I must confess here that I find crazy people to be fun and entertaining. …And so, it’s my weakness, I guess. Life with Amber was interesting; never a dull moment. Because she was crazy, she wasn’t distracted by quotidian concerns the way that you or I are. Every second of her life was laser-focused on something or other. Yeah, she would scream at me for ignoring her if I dared to send my boss an email, but she also told me continually that I was the most awesome sexy genius of ever.

Dating a crazy girl plunges your life into a sort of lurid Technicolor format. I did it, so I know. You get good attention and you get bad attention, but you get attention. And now that I’ve broken up with Amber, my life is dull again. The lights have gone down in the theater. Everything is in lame black-and-white. It’s safer here, but also more boring, and that’s sad, in a way. TC mark

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Thumbnail image – Lindsay Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me

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    • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa Luke Bourassa

      “…let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing: Emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack..”
      –Jack Donaghy

      • Oliver Miller

        Aye.  Sad but true.

        • Em

          i've been meaning to tell you this for a long time (well at least since you asked me to be your fb friend eventhough i never met you , and  keep posting this stupid-ass articles): I really fucking hate guys like you.

          You give off this geeky, “sensitive” vibe and then all you care about is 1- sex  2- telling the world how much sex you have and how many girls you get. 3- have no respect for any woman whatsoever.

          i much rather fuck any upfront douchebag than a dude like you.. any day. You need more therapy than all the bipolar girls of the world put together

          the end.

        • Kaitlyn_Flynn

          I would love to see one TC article without the obligatory trolly comment.

        • anonymous

          I think you nailed it. I worry when my female friends fall for the bullshit of guys like this. The whole tone of this is a weird combination of hostility and boasting.

        • Oliver Miller

          I asked you to be my Facebook friend? …I mean, based on the fact that you hate me, it must at least be some comfort to you that apparently I get yelled at a shit ton by girls — or at least one girl, or whatever.

      • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

        that goes for crazy guys too. yum.

    • PUBLICPERV

      OFFENSIVE, BRUH

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

      Jesus fucking balls, man. So much honesty. I've been trying to be all editorial and shit with my comments at TC, but this is so bang-on the money.

      The bit that starts with “But Amber was really good in bed” should be on EVERYONE's tombstone. Everyone I know who has ever dated a moderate amount of people have stayed with that one person a little too long, a little too late, a little beyond the usual just because they have a certain way with things.

      I fully admit to my hard-on for crazy girls though. I joke that I run off of an opposite crazy-hot scale from HIMYM, but there's very little joke to it. I find out that a girl is sane and I lose interest. I know I'm a horrible person for that, but there's nothing quite like that technicolor you so aptly describe.

    • SpaceGeekChick

      You know, sometimes the crazy girls learn to be uncrazy….

    • http://flavors.me/terakristen Tera Kristen

      I am a crazy girl. Being crazy makes you insecure because you're all “I'm fucking crazy no one could ever *really* want me” (in your head of course, crazy people don't talk about their insecurities explicitly). On the outside we know we're interesting and sometimes hot, and thus we can easily act like we're awesome.  Then we meet the man of our dreams and we're all like “Don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up”. 

      Then we fucking fall in love – and this is the scariest shit. Because as a crazy girl we're something completely different on the inside compared to what we are on the outside. We're sad because we can't control ourselves (who the fuck is pulling the strings??) and we're ecstatic because someone loves us. But, we never fully believe that they love us because we don't love us. Phone calls from anyone become evidence of cheating – because c'mon who wouldn't cheat on us? A lifetime of succumbing to our emotions makes us lash out, often violently. 

      I must make an edit. I was a crazy girl. Until I met a man who forced me to see that I am a good person. Practice and hard work allows me to control my emotions. Crazy doesn't make me interesting – I'm interesting because I'm fucking awesome and smart and open-minded. I have seen the light but it took love to take me there. I hope that Amber will find it too.

      • SpaceGeekChick

        It took losing the second best person in my life to see that crazy was getting no where, it took a few more failed relationships to iron out my kinks and now I have my second chance and I am doing it in uncrazy style. Still quirky, but not quite crazy >.< 

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        “I am a crazy girl. Being crazy makes you insecure because you're all “I'm fucking crazy no one could ever *really* want me” (in your head of course, crazy people don't talk about their insecurities explicitly). On the outside we know we're interesting and sometimes hot, and thus we can easily act like we're awesome.  Then we meet the man of our dreams and we're all like “Don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up”. ” 

        Hoooooly shit someone else thinks like me. Thank you for sharing this. Cool to know I'm not the only one whose daily existence is made up of “am I fucking up?”

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Is it weird that I could substitute girl for guy and agree to 95% of this?

          “we never fully believe that they love us because we don't love us.” That might be the best epitaph to every relationship I've ever had.

        Thanks a lot, now I'm going to have to go watch The O.C. finale where Summer marries Seth again. Damn you!

      • pulpblood

        what happens when you don't act like you're awesome
        and when you're not completely different on the inside
        you're just outwardly a mess, too

        so bleak fuck

      • http://twitter.com/RESEWON Theresa Won

        This is so much better than the “Notes On Being The Crazy Girl” article that was posted today.

      • Kathryn O'Neil

        Thanks for posting this. 

        • http://communitiescognitively.wordpress.com Tera Kristen

          I’m trying to get all crazy girls into one place so we can all be super awesome together. It makes me sad to think of anyone that’s still in the place where I used to be. 

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      “I took a bunch of Adderall and we went back to her place and fucked four times. Then we woke up in the morning and did it again. Within a few days, I was living with her.”

      I can't believe things didn't turn out better based on this foundation!

      • Oliver Miller

        Your accurate critique has been acknowledged and processed, sigh.

      • Jordan

        sounds like the perfect date to me

    • chelseafagan

      Hahahahahahahahahaha, Oliver, I loved this.

      If only the crazy=good sex formula worked for guys. Unfortunately, guys like this will often stop mid-coitus to talk…or cry.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        I'd like to defend us crazy gents, but damn – a good cry never hurt anyone. Except the woman trying to come, of course.

        However, if I were to take an imformal survey among my female friends I think I'd here that crazy guys are pretty great in bed; super-attentive and all that nonsense. But there's a certain narcissistic quality in crazy people that tends to fuck it all up, yeah?

      • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

        or say, “can i tell you a secret?”

        you: *nods*

        guy, sadly, earnestly: “i don't have any friends.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=539592740 Viktoriya Gaponski

      J'love it! This is more entertaining than Victorian Women in Crime

    • Oliver Miller

      If anyone wants to talk about the Britney Spears video at any point, I'm all for that, too.  …Why the fuck is she dressed like a waitress at the beginning? …Why is Sabrina the Teenage Witch in the video? …Does the whole thing not make any sense, or am *I* the crazy one now, or what?

      • Yeah-Yea

        Sabrina is in the video because this song was “the song” for the movie Drive Me Crazy. Adrian Entourage is in it too.  Jury is still out on the disco burger place and waitress business though.

        • Oliver Miller

          Okay, that explanation was pretty helpful; thank you. Is that the movie where the chick is like a magical chef, or I guess I should just go and Google this stuff, huh?

        • Yeah-yea

          I think that movie is called Simply Irresistible and stars Sarah Michelle Gellar.

      • http://flavors.me/terakristen Tera Kristen

        Haha it's from a movie called  “Drive Me Crazy” – watch it if you want to see a young and impressionable Adrian Grenier

    • JD

      Really like this. Funny and honest. Good job!

      p.s. you are totally crazy, too, for moving in with someone after a few days. I think one crazy needs a sane to balance the relationship out.

    • pewpdude

      I've dated this girl. A few times. ” WHY DONT YOU GO SUCK ALL YOUR FRIENDS DICKS!”

    • Jordan

      First of all, thank you a million billion times over for not writing How To Date a Crazy Girl!

      I laughed and laughed and laughed at this one.  Good work.

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      She had a rich dad too, I bet… I liked this. Been there myself.

    • http://twitter.com/chantzerolin Chantz Erolin

      “She didn't look crazy, she didn't have dark hair”

      nice?

      • Ali Neer

        You nit-picked a part of the sentence that you didn't find appropriate. He described the stereotypical “crazy girl”.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      …but did she call you 'daddy'?

      • Oliver Miller

        No; she would have; I was too embarrassed to ever request it.  She would let me CENSORED though.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bob-Ethirteen/100002166433021 Bob Ethirteen

      ” somehow drinking more than I was, which is nearly impossible. I took a bunch of Adderall and we went back to her place and fucked four times.114″

      “massive amounts of booze on top of her “meds,” ignoring the warning labels on her medicine bottles — “

      Amber is not the only one bi-polar

    • http://twitter.com/xsssy Chrissy Lane

      Honnestly, I want to date this woman.

    • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

      Oliver, 

      This is awesome.

    • Lex001

      God your writing turns me on.  Great, one more straight boy I can't have.

    • Kailee

      Maybe she just didn't like you. It's okay, it happens.

    • mopester

      im so high….

    • BRO BRO BRO BRO BRO

      I LIVED IN THAT TECHNICOLOR WORLD BUT DONT REMEMBER MUCH BECAUSE OF THE KLONOPIN AND THE STEELE RESERVE

    • Jerri_i

      Hey Oliver, Are you still like homeless?

      • Oliver Miller

        Yes, kinda.

    • eceismen

      And tonight, I shall take Adderall and have fuckloads of alcohol CHEERS TO ALL OF US CRAZY PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. 

      Amber, first one goes for you.

    • Kw3li

      crazy girls have the best pussy

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