The 25 Fundamental Aspects Of College You Need To Learn

Flickr / Jared and Corin
Flickr / Jared and Corin

…Well, according to the dwindling supply of “young people” that I know, it’s college decision time once again — I think. That happens sometime in May, right?

As we all know, choosing the Right College for You is a very important… thingy. In fact, hypothetical-young-person-that-I’m-now-suddenly-speaking-to, a lot of very important different factors go into choosing the right school for you.

For example, when I was an undergrad, I chose a school that I didn’t want to go to, but that offered me a crap-load of money. …But then, when it came time for graduate school, I reversed the process, and went to an incredibly expensive school that offered me very little money, but which was located right outside Manhattan, had a 97% to 3% girl/guy ratio, and which featured all-night naked faux-“lesbian” parties. So which was the right choice? Both? Neither? They were possibly both bad decisions — but still, and just speaking on my own behalf, I’m going with the all-night naked girl parties.

Anyway, all of this hypothetical talk about college reminded me that I didn’t have a column ready for today, and all this talk of college also reminded me of everything that I remember about my own lengthy college career. And so, hypothetical young person, I present you with the FUNDAMENTAL ASPECTS OF COLLEGE. …Please to enjoy.

THE ASPECTS OF COLLEGE

1. …Plastic mattresses for extra blanket slippage.

2. Your brand new suicidal/anorexic/pothead/born-again Christian/having-loud-sex-while-three-inches-away-from-you… roommate!

3. The quad.

4. Anything involving bongos… which are generally played on the quad.

5. Student Health Services.

6. RAs.

7. Socks on doorknobs.

8 . Having to go to poetry readings in the hopes of getting that Sylvia-Plath-ish girl to sleep with you.

9. Women’s Studies majors.

10. Elementary Education majors.

11. Business majors.

12. Those dudes.

13. That girl.

14. Jell-O shots. Or maybe it’s all Jäger shots now. Or maybe there’s some new type of shot that I’m not up-to-date on. Anyway, shots.

15. Those useless little intercoms with buttons that you’re supposed to press if you’re being raped or shot… while standing right next to an intercom.

16. People who use the word “aesthetic.”

17. Walks of shame.

18. Fag hags.

19. Rich hippies.

20. The crushing realization that you’ve just spent 100,000 dollars so that you can have a civilized conversation… about “Beowulf.”

21.So what do you want to do tonight?” “…I dunno, so what do you want to do tonight?

22. People who think they’re going to be faithful to their high school boyfriend/girlfriend.

23. Senior-year boyfriends/girlfriends.

24. …Senioritis!

25. Graduation.

…And so, you’ve got all of that to look forward to, hypothetical young person! And remember: college is the best time of your life. Everything after college is totally downhill; yay. TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog

  • slcanon

    Every single article about college on this site features a photo of Sarah Lawrence College…….represent.

    • Oliver Miller

      It's an in-joke by now, but since I actually went there, I wanted to keep it goin' on, goin' on till the break of dawn. Also, my favorite Sarah Lawrence dorm is “Titsworth Hall.” Because that's just funny.

      • slcanon

        Especially because that dorm is all female ;).

        But as a current SLC student…I have yet to encounter the mythical “sex parties”/orgies/cross-dressing capades so frequently referred to by graduates of the school. And on that note, haven't even experienced swarms of gender-bending feminist-diatribic lesbians either, at least not more than “normal” for any liberal arts school. Is SLC calming down or is its myth proceeding itself?

      • Greg

        I think many liberal arts schools are more bro or university than they want to admit these days

      • Greg

        I think many liberal arts schools are more bro or university than they want to admit these days

      • i'm a loser.

        The first thing I thought on my first day at my liberal arts college: omg I live in American Pie. So0o0o0o0o0 many bros. But, you know, they're “ironic” bros.

        I hate college.

      • Oliver Miller

        The naked parties were canceled in later years. In a round-about way, it was vaguely my fault. But the parties themselves were hilarious. It's a long story. Anyway, Titsworth!

  • Poob Smoad Attorney at Law

    if these were the best 4 years of my life i may as well kill myself now

    • xPiNkxLiLxANGEL89x

      Seriously, I'd probably say these have been the worst 4 years of my life. But I've kind of convinced myself that's a good thing, because how many respectable people you know actually say that?

  • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

    “22) People who think they’re going to be faithful to their high school boyfriend/girlfriend.”
    AHAHAHAHAH too true.

    “20) The crushing realization that you’ve just spent 100,000 dollars so that you can have a civilized conversation… about 'Beowulf.'”
    I feel a tinge of disappointment when the reading lists for my literature classes consist of novels and short stories I've read in high school. There's a huge slap-in-the-face when this happens more than once throughout the four years of undergrad. *insert sigh*

  • brandypass

    “Those useless little intercoms with buttons that you’re supposed to
    press if you’re being raped or shot… while standing right next to an
    intercom.” You know, I never thought of that but it's true. Most perps are probably smarter than that. I thought it was downhill after high school, not college. Grad school was a lot better than undergrad, though. Didn't you think? (other than the debt)

  • http://twitter.com/sophiakiona Sophia Anderson

    I don't know why I keep reading the articles on here about college, because they always just annoy me because I hated college so much. Like, no hate to the person who wrote this one/people who have written them in the past, I just can't relate at all. Someone should write an article about going to a shitty commuter school and not knowing anyone and taking six years to graduate.

    • http://twitter.com/straponheart Evan Hatch

      It's because seemingly all the writers on this site were privileged kids who went to liberal arts academies, got useless degrees in the writing field and now have to farm content and put out as many similar, but non-overlapping freelance articles as possible to delay defaulting on their massive student loans.

      • eddyindigo

        Oh hey look, it's my future.

      • Oliver Miller

        “Hipsters Hating Hipsters: The Blog Comment”

    • jJ
  • federico

    you still homeless bro

    • Oliver Miller

      I'm staying with friends in New Orleans now.

      • whodatnation

        NOLA4LIFE

  • http://twitter.com/jenonizzle Jen O'Neill

    20) The crushing realization that you’ve just spent 100,000 dollars so that you can have a civilized conversation… about “Beowulf.”YES. WHYGODWHY.

  • Odettetoabird

    wwait but what if i hated college aggg

blog comments powered by Disqus