If I’ve learned anything in my short, sad life, it’s that people love dogs. All dogs. With the exception of small, yappy dogs, which should be rounded up in a net and then catapulted into outer space. …And so, we have thus reached the feel-good story of the feel-good story of the year. …Yes, apparently Osama bin Laden was taken down with the help of a “war dog.” Gothamist has the scoop:
See, along with the 79 commandos who raided Osama bin Laden’s compound this weekend was a war dog! Yes, along with those Navy Seals was a trusty, heavily-armored, explosive-sniffing pup who, just like the Seals, was lowered into fortified property with an oxygen mask from 25,000 feet in the air.
Dogs have a long history in warfare but we didn’t realize they were now being trained to jump from helicopters! Apparently modern war dogs are decked out in ballistic body armor that can take single and double-edged knives. They also are given further protective gear to shield them from shrapnel and gunfire. Further, they are given oxygen masks for helicopter jumps and helmets with video-cameras for remote monitoring. Awesome, right?
Well, it is awesome in a way, in that now we finally know who to give credit for this victory to. Mouth breathers Republicans say the credit should go to George W. Bush, while normal people Democrats say that the credit should go to President Barack Obama. But now we know who the real credit should go to: Dogs.
OHHHH, WHO’S A GOOD BOY? DID YOU HELP TAKE DOWN THE MOST WANTED CRIMINAL ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET? OH YES YOU DID. YES YOU DID.
U-S-A! U-S-A! …THESE DOGS DON’T RUN, MOTHERFUCKERS. YOU CAN HAVE OUR DOGS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM OUR COLD DEAD FINGERS.
Sorry about that. …But in another way, this news is decidedly non-awesome. Parachute-jumping dogs that can plummet from 25,000 feet while wearing body-armor, oxygen masks, and video-cameras? Christ, it’s like “The Terminator,” but with dogs. We create these dogs to serve us, but in the end, they will become our masters.
Wake up, sheeple! If we stay the course… if we keep arming these dogs with body armor and whatnot, if we stay the course, then we are dead… we are all dead. …Unless, of course, the dogs in question are anything like the dog in my current apartment, which can only bark monomaniacally at a single wall, until you scream, “Shut up! Shut up-pppp!” at it. In which case, the dog apocalypse is probably still a while away.
Still, despite the fact that this particular dog is the greatest American hero who has ever lived, photographs of the heroic and — let’s all hope — adorable dog involved in the Osama raid has not yet been released. Why won’t Barack Obama release the dog photos? …What are you trying to hide, Mr. President? Release the cute dog photos now, so that we can all coo over them, please.