The Japanese are an inscrutable people. In fact, I feel like I’ve never heard the word “inscrutable” used without reference to the Japanese. Sometimes, their entire culture seems like a version of the “idea balls” discussed in that episode of South Park. Just random combination of things. Schoolgirl panties + vending machines? Fuck it, why not, the Japanese say in response. Robots + pandas? Sure. You betcha. Porn + tentacle rape? Absolutely.
Yes, to paraphrase George Bernard Shaw — some men see things as they are and say “Why?” The Japanese, on the other hand, dream things that never were and say, “Hey, is there a way we could add more robots/kittens/schoolgirl porn to this shit?” …Which is — words fail me — awesome.
Anyway. And so, I am proud to bring you the latest iteration of weird Japanese culture — kittens, sitting inside bowls… on a TV show. Sure, whatever. Fuck it, why not?
Here is the video. Please to enjoy:
My two favorite things about this video are as follows: (1) The ceremonial unveiling of the bowls. (2) The fact that it takes six hosts, working together, to narrate all the hot kitten-on-bowl action.
What could all six of these hosts possibly be saying? Well, luckily, I am extremely fluent in Japanese, so I can provide a translation for you–
Host one: Look. The white kitten is entering the green bowl.
Host two: Ah ha, yes. And notice also how the brown kitten is entering the blue bowl.
Host three: Yes, yes, and see. Note also that the gray kitten is entering the yellow bowl.
Hosts one and two: …
Host three: What?
Host four: You greatly dishonor us by mentioning the gray kitten entering the yellow bowl.
Host three: Aieee!
Host five: This is not only true, but correct. You dishonor not only yourself, but your Emperor… by mentioning the gray kitten entering the yellow bowl.
Host three: I have shamed myself, brothers. (…Host three then commits ritualized suicide (seppuku)).
Host six: …And that is all the time that we have today for “Kittens in Bowls.” Be sure to tune in later tonight for “Dogs in Tea Cups.” Goodbye for now (sayonara).
But no; I kid, I kid. Plus I’m not actually racist like that in real life. And I have no idea what they’re saying. And anyway, I must once again salute the Japanese, who after all discovered a universal truth many, many years before us white-devil Westerners did. That universal truth is as follows: people will watch anything with kittens in it, and read almost anything that contains a kitten-related reference. And you know that’s true for real, because you just read this entire article. (…See what I did there? Of course you do.)