Things that I’m not nostalgic for:
- Girls wearing six-inch tiny black leather backpacks to clubs.
- Going to clubs.
- The use of the term “Psych!” in middle school. As in, “Oliver, dude, you’re really awesome…” (beat) “…psych!” Totally annoying. If you can’t trust a simple declarative sentence, then what can you trust?
- Having to pretend that I liked going to punk rock shows.
- In fact, going to concerts in general. How many concerts did I ever go to that I actually enjoyed? I’m going to be optimistic and say three.
- “Take Back the Night” marches.
- Hacky-sacks. You’re bouncing something off your foot while standing in front of the high school… stop it.
- That brief period from 1996-1998 where people thought it would be hip to wear goggles.
- The Caesar haircut.
- The “Rachel” haircut.
- Life without the internet or cell phones. How did we ever get anything done ever?
- Womyn spelled with a “y”.
- Having to go to Virgin Records instead of downloading music in 3.4 seconds for free.
- The Reagan years.
- My belief during the Reagan years that I would die via Nuclear Explosion by the age of sixteen.
- Dying your hair purple or red with “Manic Panic.” Yeah, I did it. I did a lot of dumb shit though. I tried to grow dreadlocks once, for instance.
- “Hands Across America.”
- At least a hundred and fifty different catch-phrases: “Schwing!” “Talk to the hand!” “…Don’t go there!” “WhassUP!” “That’s dope!” “That’s phat!” And on and on forever…
And – a special bonus section: …Things that I actually am nostalgic for:
- Girls wearing thigh-high stockings.
- My previous columns for Thought Catalog, which were funnier than this.
- That is all.
image – Silicon Prairie News