Some days, you wake up with a clever/ witty/ insightful “Thought” that you truly feel the need to “Catalog”™ for all the world to read and admire. And then, some days, you wake up and you’re like, “Uhhhhh, are there any funny animal videos on YouTube?” This, my friends, is a day of the second type.
So let’s all thrill to the exploits of “Cookie,” a baby penguin from the Cincinnati Zoo who proves that, yes, baby penguins can indeed be ticklish. In a way, this video sort of shows the “polar” — wordplay, heh! — opposite of the grim lives of baby penguins in the wild, as depicted in March of the Penguins.
…By the way, this video is a week old, so if you’ve seen it already, please leave an angry comment — preferably in “all-caps,” if possible — saying that this video is so-ooooo old and wtf, Thought Catalog? And then, after you’ve typed that comment, why not go outside, maybe even take a brief stroll around your neighborhood, when was the last time you did that? And while taking this walk, perhaps it will suddenly strike you that, hey, there are things more important in this world than the internet. Things such as trees. And clouds. And love.
Here’s the video. Please to enjoy:
…See? See what happened there? At first, your brain was like: “Hey, Oliver, isn’t this an incredibly lazy way to write an artic–” but then at that precise second while watching the video, the baby penguin factor kicked in and your brain was like: “ZOMG BABY PENGUIN I WANT ONE!” …And that’s how the game is played, my friends. That’s how the game… is played.
And here’s a special bonus video. Thrill as two newscasters — a grown man and a woman — attempt to discuss the phenomenon of Cookie the Ticklish Penguin, but quickly flounder, and must resort to blurting things like “Ha ha ha,” and “Ticklish!”
…And then, after the penguin video was over, and the cameras were turned off, and the crew departed, the two news anchors made the long walk back to their dressing rooms, thinking private thoughts like, “But I graduated at the top of Columbia J-School!” and, “I work all night and never see my wife and kids for this?” In the woman’s dressing room was a vial of pills and a half-empty bottle of bourbon; in the man’s dressing room, a partially loaded revolver, a gift from a deceased uncle. Would today be the day; will the bottle be removed, the gun finally be taken from that old dusty filing cabinet? …Would this be the day? But then each paused, and thought of Cookie the Penguin, and her frantic giggles. They allowed a brief smile to crease their lips. No, today will not be the day, after all.
…And that’s my column for today, everyone! Come back tomorrow, when I actually write something profound. Or maybe I’ll just post a goddamn video of a squirrel, fuck it.