Thought Catalog

Lessons That I Learned From Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

  • 0

Everything that I need to know in life, I learned from repeated viewings of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. (With the exception of a few things that I picked up from The Empire Strikes Back.)

I have watched Star Trek II approximately 2,703 times; I can quote even the boring parts — like the part where they’re flying the ship out of space-dock. …It was the only movie that I ever watched back-to-back; I rented the VHS tape when I was twelve, watched the movie for the first time, then rewound and watched the whole thing again — that’s how good a movie it is. It’s the only “Star Trek” film to reference Moby Dick, Charles Dickens, Paradise Lost, the myth of the Fisher King, The Waste Land, and From Ritual to Romance — not-so-coincidentally, it is also the only Star Trek-related thing that I have ever liked.

In grad school, I went on a date with a hottie hipster girl to a standard hipster-type reading at a bar. Two guys read a long parody of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan in front of an open-mic. I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE BAR WHO LAUGHED. And I laughed at everything, because I got every single reference. I couldn’t help myself. I also couldn’t prevent myself from making horrifying nerdy asides to my date; asides such as this one — “Of course Captain Terrell would never really do that.”

My date blanched and huddled in her chair, trying to make herself look invisible.

Needless to say, I did not get any “action” following our date.

But as Mr. Spock would no doubt remind us, sacrifices happen for a reason. Yes, I lost out on sex with Hipster Girl No. 137, but my life has been greatly enriched by my massive repeat viewings of “Trek II.” …And today, I would like to share some of the important lessons I have learned from this movie. (Of course, an unstated lesson is never to quote this movie during a date.)

Here is what I have learned. You are welcome.

_______________

VALUABLE LESSONS THAT I LEARNED FROM “THE WRATH OF KHAN”

_______________

1) …For all things, there is a first time.

2) There is no such thing as a no-win scenario.

3) If you meet someone who’s not part of your regular circle of friends, this person might just turn out to be your long-lost son.

4) Russian people are generally useless.

5) Black people tend to make noble sacrifices.

6) You shouldn’t accept a promotion just because it comes with a fancy title; stick to what you’re good at.

7) Don’t ever let someone stick a bug in your ear.

8 ) If you’re talking on the phone and some jerk can overhear you, try to speak in code.

9) It has always been easier to destroy than to create.

10) Obsession can be a bad thing — a very very bad thing.

11) If you strand someone in a distant location, try to check back from time to time, just to see how they’re doing.

12) The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one.

13) Paradoxically, cheating can sometimes be a good thing.

14) You should avoid two-dimensional thinking.

15) If someone gives you a present, accept it politely — after all, this person could die someday.

16) How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life.

17) If your best friend stands up, gives you kind of a funny look, and then leaves the room for no reason, then your best friend might be thinking about committing suicide. You should grab him and hold him down.

18) However, if your best friend does commit suicide, this will have the effect of making you grateful for your own life, such as it is.

19) In life, there are always possibilities.

20) Khan!

21) Khaaaaan!

22) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

23) Foreign chicks are pretty hot — especially when they let their hair down.

24) Ideas begin in words.

25) Every death leads to the beginning of a new life.  TC mark

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

Thumbnail image – Star Trek

More from Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog Videos


    • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa Luke Bourassa

      Buried alive… Buried alive… Buried alive……….

      • Oliver Miller

        …Ship? Out of danger?

    • xra

      fuck yea

    • Amy aka NERD

      Star Trek!!!!!!

    • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/star-trek-into-darkness-trailer-the-future-will-feature-explosions-and-very-loud-noises/ Star Trek Into Darkness Trailer: The Future Will Feature Explosions And VERY LOUD NOISES | Thought Catalog

      […] Is the bad guy Khan? Please, can he be Khan? Khan, you bloodsucker! Like a poor marksman… you just… keep… missing… the target. We tried it once your way, Khan; are you game for a rematch? …Khan? I’m laughing at the superior intellect. Oh my god, I can quote that entire fucking movie. […]

    • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/12/star-trek-into-darkness-trailer-the-future-will-feature-explosions-and-very-loud-noises/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

      […] Is the bad guy Khan? Please, can he be Khan? Khan, you bloodsucker! Like a poor marksman… you just… keep… missing… the target. We tried it once your way, Khan; are you game for a rematch? …Khan? I’m laughing at the superior intellect. Oh my god, I can quote that entire fucking movie. […]

    • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/a-short-poem-about-alien-3/ A Poem About The Movie ‘Alien 3′ | Thought Catalog

      […] as the Fisher King (who died that his land might have life), and also From Ritual to Romance and Star Trek II. …I leave it to the scholars, poets, and readers of the future to elucidate the […]

    • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/12/a-poem-about-the-movie-%e2%80%98alien-3%e2%80%b2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

      […] as the Fisher King (who died that his land might have life), and also From Ritual to Romance and Star Trek II. …I leave it to the scholars, poets, and readers of the future to elucidate the […]

    • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/100-quotes-from-star-wars-in-order-of-awesomeness/ 100 Quotes From ‘Star Wars,’ In Order Of Awesomeness | Thought Catalog

      […] you can read other dumb lists of quotes, ohhh, let’s see — right here, here, sort of here but not really, here, and […]

    • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2013/03/100-quotes-from-%e2%80%98star-wars%e2%80%99-in-order-of-awesomeness/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

      […] you can read other dumb lists of quotes, ohhh, let’s see — right here, here, sort of here but not really, here, and […]

    • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/quotes-from-the-star-trek-movies-in-order-of-awesomeness/ 50 Quotes From The ‘Star Trek’ Movies, In Order Of Awesomeness | Thought Catalog

      […] are from ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,’ because let’s face it, it’s the greatest movie ever made. And no, “Khan!” is not on the list, so start complaining about that if you want to. […]

    • https://thoughtcatalog.com/oliver-miller/2014/05/50-quotes-from-rushmore-in-order-of-awesomeness/ 50 Quotes From ‘Rushmore,’ In Order Of Awesomeness | Thought Catalog

      […] wrong to label ‘Rushmore’ THE perfect film (and after all, there’s still ‘Star Trek II’ battling it out for that title) — but I, at least, cannot find a single flaw with […]

    • http://sugardaddy.kinkementary.net/50-quotes-from-rushmore-in-order-of-awesomeness/ 50 Quotes From ‘Rushmore,’ In Order Of Awesomeness | Kinkementary Sugar Daddy Dating | Sugar Daddy Online Dating Website | Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby Dating | Find Rich Guys | Free Sugar Daddy Dating Site

      […] wrong to label ‘Rushmore’ THE perfect film (and after all, there’s still ‘Star Trek II’ battling it out for that title) — but I, at least, cannot find a single flaw with […]

    • http://highflyers-board.de/index.php?page=User&userID=262836 Highflyers-board.de

      Highflyers-board.de

      Lessons That I Learned From Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan | Thought Catalog

    • http://dating.kinkementary.net/50-quotes-from-rushmore-in-order-of-awesomeness/ 50 Quotes From ‘Rushmore,’ In Order Of Awesomeness | Kinkementary Dating Blog-Online Dating - Connect with singles - Go on Awesome Dates Kinkementary Dating is an online dating site with over one million members who want to meet new people in the real

      […] wrong to label ‘Rushmore’ THE perfect film (and after all, there’s still ‘Star Trek II’ battling it out for that title) — but I, at least, cannot find a single flaw with […]

    blog comments powered by Disqus