BREAKING NEWS: Our President Is Probably Not a Kenyan Splinter-Cell Terrorist

Today, President Barack Hussein Obama released his long-form birth certificate. This binding legal document proves, once and for all, that our President was born in America, and not in Kenya or Indonesia.

Other places where our President was not born include the following: Soviet Russia, France, Switzerland, Freedonia, Shangri-La, and the lost continent of Atlantis. This birth certificate also proves, once and for all, that Barack Obama is not the last survivor of a doomed planet named Krypton, placed in a tiny spaceship by his scientist father just seconds before that planet’s red sun exploded. …Which is kind of a bummer, because that last one would have been awesome.

Apparently, we have Donald Trump to thank for all this, which is already a bad sign. Anytime someone starts a sentence with the words “We have Donald Trump to thank for this,” you should start screeching wildly, wave your hands in the air, and start backing slowly towards the door. “…Donald Trump is responsible for this? Ohnothankyouthen.”


So now that this legal document has been released, the whole “Birther” debate can come to an end, and we can finally return to talking about actual important issues, like the three wars that we’re involved in, and the economy, and — oh Jesus Christ, I’m just kidding, you guys. We’ll die before we have a conversation about the economy. I myself would rather die before ever talking about it, and I’m a supposedly smart person with a master’s degree in something or other. Someone in the room starts talking about the economy and I’m like, “Hey didn’t LaLohan get arrested again?” And then the other person is like, “Interest rates, the Fed...” and I’m like, “Yes, those are indeed both things where I don’t know what they are.”

I’m part of the problem; I’m not part of the solution. But then again, so are you.

Listen. We’re never going to talk about the economy or anything else that’s important because of course we won’t. The best possible outcome of this “long-form” birth certificate thing — and remember, this is the best possible outcome — is that we have now freed up more time in the news cycle for the next time that Charlie Sheen says something. Or for when Lindsay Lohan inevitably breaks out of jail and goes on a multi-state killing spree — now we’ll have more time to talk about that. Or for discussing that royal wedding that even people in England don’t seem to care about that much — we get 5% more time for a discussion of that.


…And this won’t end “Birtherism,” are you kidding me? What, so Obama actually released an even longer form of his birth certificate. So what? The “Birther” movement won’t end, and here’s why:

  1. Glenn Beck hasn’t issued a ruling on the legitimacy of this yet, and without Mr. Beck, how can we possibly know what’s true and what’s not?
  2. The Birthers will now move on to scrutinizing the kerning on the fonts of the birth certificate and declare that the whole thing is a forgery, duh.
  3. Isn’t the whole birth certificate sketchy anyway? It says that Obama’s mother’s name is “Stanley” — WTF with that? And also it says that Obama was born in a place named “Hawaii.” Come on. Hawaii is the most half-assed of states, everyone knows that. It’s not really a state. Hawaii is a vacation destination, or the place that you pretend that you’re going to go to college in, but then somehow, you never quite get around to doing that for some reason. “Hey, I could go to the University of Hawaii, and spend every day on the beach” — but then you get distracted and end up going to Ohio State instead. …And anyway, everyone knows that islands shouldn’t be states — except for the somewhat mysteriously named “Rhode Island.” Hawaii doesn’t count as part of America; it should be a U.S. protectorate like Guam or one of those other places. …But nice try, Mr. Barack Hussein Obama!


Listen; the Birther movement has a specific goal. That goal is not just to hate Obama, or to criticize everything that he does, or to work to insure that he doesn’t get reelected. No, the goal of the Birther movement is to make Obama’s presidency as if it had never been. “Obama sucks, but that doesn’t matter, because he was never legally President in the first place.”

The Birthers want to be like Superman in, well, the movie Superman. Or like Superman in the “director’s cut” of Superman II. They want to fly back in time and fix everything the way it should have been. They want nothing less than to undo the entire presidency of Barack Hussein Obama. The real goal of the Birther movement is to flip back the clock, to remove the black dude from the White House, and to take us back to the magical day of November 3, 2008 — when life was good, the economy was booming, and all Americans were united in harmonious love for our great leader, George W. Bush. …And doesn’t that sound like a noble goal? …Doesn’t it?

The Birthers are like Gatsby in “The Great Gatsby.” The Birthers glance around warily at this strange new world that they find themselves in — and they don’t like it. And so they’re going to fix it all.

Nothing will stop the Birthers, and so we’d be better off just ignoring them and paying more attention to Charlie Sheen. Because they’re trying to fix the past, and that’s a useless goal, and it’s useless to pay attention to someone who has that goal in mind. Like the Great Gatsby, the Birthers believe in a different type of future than the rest of us do. They believe in an imaginary future where only Republicans ever get elected; they believe there’s no way that a black guy could ever get elected president. …Yes, the Birthers believe in an orgastic future that year by year recedes before them. It eludes them now, but that’s no matter — tomorrow they will run faster, stretch out their arms farther…. And one fine morning ——

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

  • rhodeislander

    More breaking news: more was made of the birther issue by people looking to dismiss any criticism of the president than by anyone who seriously believed the president wasn't born in America, or gave a fuck either way. What is beyond dispute: Barack Obama is a seriously shitty US president, and anyone who's still drinking the Hopey-Changey koolaid is even crazier than anyone who cares (or cared) where he slid out of his mother's uterus.

    • Oliver Miller

      Hey, you're from Rhode Island, that's nifty! …Where's your birth certificate?

      • rhodeislander

        In Massachusetts. You can come with me to view it, Oliver, and maybe we can even get married while we're there ! <3

        Reality check: I don't give a fuck where Barack Obama was born. I do know that the mere existence of the birther fringe is no reason to pretend that his administration's record on the economy, civil liberties, government transparency, and overall competence aren't genuinely fucking lousy.

      • Oliver Miller

        No way am I getting married in… Taxachusetts. Reality check: crazy people bitching about Obama's birth certificate is not a liberal conspiracy to distract attention from the President. …It's the fault of a bunch of crazy people talking about Obama's birth certificate.

    • thrownwateronem

      RhodeIslander is a seriously shitty rhodeislander

      • rhodeislander

        Oh, SNAP! No you di'int!

      • Tommmmmm

        you aren't funny. and you're a neocon. why do you feel like you have to post here?

      • Aja

        Because he has nothing better to do with his time. That would be a sad existence, to troll a blog and stir up shit daily.

      • To

        As a Rhode Islander, I agree with thrownwateronem.

    • Greg Petliski

      You must like Palin. I remember her saying, “Hows that hopey changey stuff working out for ya?”

      So according to your train of thought, its better to give up than to try. Better to have a guy in office who started two wars. And busted a once shining economy. And brought about unemployment rates unseen in a decade. Yea, all those things were in place and in action BEFORE Obama ever stepped into the White House. People want to forget, but the 700 billion to wall st.? Bush. Not Obama. In Oct. 2008 when this all blew up, who was president? Bush. Not Obama.

      Now if you really think the current president is more incompetent than the previous one..

  • Brad Pike

    I wouldn't say they're like Gatsby. They're more like Daisy–that is to say, bitches.

    • Oliver Miller

      I always thought that Jordan was more of a bitch, but then, I always had more of a hypothetical “thing” for Jordan — for reasons that are probably obvious based on my previous column.

  • Evan Hatch

    for the record, Glenn Beck actually disagrees with the birthers. on the other hand he thinks it is a movement formented by liberals to distract right-minded conservatives from the 'real' issues, which is perhaps even more inane.

  • walter

    Aren't you the homeless one?

    • Oliver Miller


  • Waicool

    I learned how to use Illustrator thanks to the Birther people.

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