An Open Letter to Batman

_____

From: Oliver Miller

To: Bruce Wayne, James Gordon, Richard Grayson, Selina Kyle, et al.

Dear Batman–

Hi, Batman! It’s me, Oliver. As a resident of “Gotham City” (which most people call “Manhattan,” by the way), I had a few quick questions for you. Possibly, you could take a few seconds out of your busy life as playboy-by-day, crime-fighter-by-night, in order to answer them. Here are my questions for you…

_____

How much money per year are you spending on grappling hooks, Batmobiles, Batbikes, Batboats, the Batwing, plus a gigantic underground cave complex filled with state-of-the-art computers? Millions? Tens of millions? Because it seems like this would cost quite a lot of money. This seems like an inefficient use of your resources. Have you considered, instead, running for mayor of “Gotham City”?

As mayor of Gotham, you would be able to reform the city’s infrastructure, strengthen the police force, maybe even increase security at Arkham Asylum, which, by the way, every single person ever escapes from — like, always.

So just think about that.  It just seems more efficient, cost-benefit-wise, then spending $10 million on designing and developing, say, a Batboat. By the way — how many criminals have you ever stopped with the “Batboat”? Three? Two? Zero? Is there a lot of boat-related crime happening in Gotham? I think not. I’m not trying to be rude — I’m just trying to brainstorm here.

_____

And then, I had a few questions of a more personal nature:

I don’t really want to get into the whole “Robin” thing, but you must realize that the whole Robin thing is somewhat creepy and disconcerting to the rest of us. I don’t want to say any more… but I think you know what I’m talking about.

_____

So I may be a little confused, but in real life, are you more of a brooding, sociopathic loner, or a chummy guy with a partner who enjoys bantering and wearing brightly-colored tights? Because the various reports that I’ve received about you have been contradictory in this regard.

Likewise, what up with the Joker? Is he a psychotic, anarchic mass-murderer? Or a quipster who does silly things like attempting to trap you and your partner in a giant jack-in-the-box? Again, I am confused here.

Though at least with the Joker, you’re picking on someone your own size, I guess. Unlike your rival Superman, who does in fact seem like a dick. Neither you nor the Joker has super-powers. That seems fair. But Superman is an absurdly strong god-like being who flies around and beats up Lex Luthor, who is just an ordinarily smart scientist. Thus, the message that I have gotten from reading about Superman is this: “Intelligence is no match for someone who can just beat you the fuck up.”  Since I am a physically weak individual who reads a lot of comic books, this is a not message that sits well with me.

…Do you kind of hate Superman?  (By the way, I really do.)

_____

Moving on, why does the Batsignal stop in the middle of the air like that? I’m no expert on optics, but it seems to me that a beam of light, once projected, will continue in a straight line until it either reflects, refracts, or disperses. But the Batsignal stops completely in the middle of the sky and somehow projects the perfect outline of a bat in midair. Please clear this up.

Don’t you think the Batmobile is kind of a bad idea, crime-fighting-wise? According to various reports, the Batmobile is either an old-timey car shaped like a bat, or an enormous tank-like thing. Either way, isn’t the Batmobile thus incredibly noticeable? Don’t you want to be sneaky? Criminals must be able to see you coming from miles away. And aren’t the police looking for you? How can you possibly fight crime, when you’re driving the most ostentatious automobile of all time?

Again, I really think you might want to focus more energy on running for mayor and fixing Gotham from the ground up — and less energy on developing various Bat-related vehicles. I really strongly believe this. Hope I’m not overstepping my bounds here. Just trying to help!

…And finally: have you seen this movie? It’s really, really, really bad. So bad. Please don’t allow them to make any more movies like that about you. In fact, if you can just promise to avoid any more bad movies, then you really don’t have to answer this letter, and can ignore the rest of my questions/comments. Thanks!

Once again, thanking you in advance,
Your pal, Oliver TC mark

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

Thumbnail image – Batman and Robin

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/NukeSpoon Crispy Frontboat

    dude the bat signal is shone on the clouds duh

    • Oliver Miller

      Are you sure that you understand how clouds work?

  • http://www.calvinmarkus.com peter

    only reason im moving to NYC is cause batman and spiderman do their shit there

    • http://twitter.com/chantzerolin Chantz Erolin

      DIFFERENT UNIVERSES, BRO. FUCK.

      • eddyindigo

        That's only a minor setback.

      • Marrymeolivermiller

        did you mean different as in Marvel Universe/Spidey and DC Universe/batman different? or real life and comic book like universe different? 

        Either way…
        LOL

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    nice

  • NUN SHAVING FUN

    Everybody knows the Bat Signal is reflected back by the thick film of pollution hovering over Gotham City.

  • RamonaCC

    I prefer my Batmans to be brooding sociopathic loners.

  • http://twitter.com/chantzerolin Chantz Erolin

    This article has ruined my night. I don't believe that you read a lot of comic books. I feel like I'm 16 again. You did this to me, oliver. You made me feel like I'm sixteen again. Fuck.

    • Oliver Miller

      Actually, I can't lie; I haven't read comics since I was 14 or so. Plus, I was more of a Marvel comics guy. Interestingly, all 4,000 of my comic books that I moved around with me and kept in Mylar pouches were eventually destroyed by a huge hurricane. But that's kind of a long story…

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        Write a piece about it

      • http://twitter.com/chantzerolin Chantz Erolin

        Fair enough. On an unrelated note it's pretty heartbreaking to read above that you're homeless, Knowing that you're a Sarah Lawrence Alum and I'm writing from the library right now, wrapping up my first year as an undergrad here.

  • Jody Fossler

    Hey, are you still homeless? I was thinking while reading your “The Thing About Being Homeless” piece that if you wanted to beg, a good idea for a funny sign would be “I majored in English Literature.”
    that's all. btw, this wasn't supposed to be sarcastic in case you thought it was – jus tryin' 2 help, bro!!

    • Oliver Miller

      I am; and that's a pretty good sign. I like it.

      • why?

        Είστε ευχαριστημένοι;

      • Why?

        Είναι αυτό που ήθελε από τη ζωή;

      • Why?

        Μπορεί αυτό να είναι το υπόλοιπο της ζωής σας;

      • Oliver Miller

        Bal es krakis? I dunno. I forget all my ancient Greek now.

      • Smithh

        Bal es Krakis? What does that mean?

      • Oliver Miller

        “To the crows!” Or, more accurately: “May you be nailed outside the city walls until the crows pluck your eyes from your eye sockets.” The ancient Greeks did not mess around with insults.

      • DavidAnderson41

        Did anyone ever let you stay in their home for free?

      • Oliver Miller

        Yes.

      • DavidAnderson41

        Why?

      • DavidAnderson41

        I mean they may be kind enough to lend you a hand again.

      • Gilgamesh

        You should try this: http://www.couchsurfing.org
        It's for travellers, but maybe there will be some soul(s) willing to give you a break while you're trying to find a job/a place to live. And I haven't come across any major weirdos yet.

  • http://icantstealyou.blogspot.com/ maddy

    loved this

  • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

    batman and robin: so bad it's good? like, really good?

    • Gina

      I don't care what anyone says, Batman and Robin is awesome. So many puns!

      • Oliver Miller

        Cool party!

    • Oliver Miller

      No. Well, maybe if had had more insanely awkward nipple and crotch shots. Maybe that's in the Director's Cut?

      • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

        womp womp.

  • http://who-will-kiss-the-pig.blogspot.com Richard Grayson

    No comment.

  • AlyW

    That is why YOU are Oliver Miller and HE is Batman. Please don't write another silly letter to him.

  • J in DC

    Holy cow! Nice article. Boom.

blog comments powered by Disqus