A 64 Year-Old Arnold Schwarzenegger Will Star in a New Terminator Movie; Here Are Your Jokes About That

It has been announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger is planning on starring in the next installment of the “Terminator” movie series — because apparently no one in Hollywood has heard of the “law of diminishing returns.” A couple of quick facts for your consideration: (1) Arnold Schwarzenegger was born two years after World War II ended. (2) Arnold Schwarzenegger will turn 64 years old in July.

Nonetheless, Arnie is planning on starring in Terminator 5, once again playing an un-aging metallic cyborg sent back from the future to warn us that machines will destroy our lives, as if we didn’t know that already.

Robots may some day become self-aware, but Mr. Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger doesn’t seem aware that he’s about ready to receive his first Social Security check. …Still, in honor of the upcoming T5, we’d like to present some hypothetical lines of dialogue from the new Terminator movie, hopefully before everyone else on the internet makes these exact same goddamn jokes.

Here are your jokes:




  1. “I need your clothes, your boots, and your catheter.”
  2. “Come with me if you want to… make it to Shoney’s in time for the ‘early bird’ buffet.”
  3. “Are you Sarah Conner? Seriously, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
  4. “I’ll be back… unless I suffer a massive myocardial infarction first. In which case, I won’t be back.”
  5. “The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. Plus, this one is just really fuckin’ old-looking.”
  6. “Judgment day is inevitable. Y’know, like love-handles. And cataracts.”
  7. “Listen, and understand. That Terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. I mean, okay; it’ll probably stop for the ‘early bird’ buffet.  Other than that, though, it won’t.”
  8. “I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do.  Also, I can’t figure out how to program a DVD player. Can you help with that?”
  9. “Fuck you, asshole. Also; get your kids off my lawn.”
  10. Hasta la siesta, baby.”  TC mark

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image – Terminator II


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  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    good preemptive strike, but two early bird jokes?

    • Oliver Miller

      That's what we in the humor column “biz” refer to as a “call-back.”

      • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

        haha well ok then

  • http://staugustine2.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

    i must say i fucken chuckled

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    That's pretty fun.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    64 is the new 44.
    “Maria, did you just have the big-O, or did I break your hip?!”
    “Either way, you'll be walking funny tomorrow.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    “Get to the choppah!!.. and get my heart medication.”

    “Its not a tumah! oh wait, it probably is a tumah.”

  • http://eggophilia.blogspot.com eggophilia

    they have the trailer already

  • Waicool

    terminate this

  • aleex

    Sweet, Oliver. Are you still homeless? Stay safe dude

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