I Dated A Stripper

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For a long time, I was a nerd, and then I dated a stripper. This was a weird thing to have happen. Guys who spend their teenage years playing “Bard’s Tale” on the Commodore 64 do not generally excel in the art of dating strippers.

To be fair, when I started dating her, she wasn’t one – a stripper, I mean. Stephanie was just a college student, but she needed money to pay her tuition and her bills, and there was a strip club in our college town in New York – so therefore, hence, there you go.

Stephanie was also bisexual, which, I know, this just sounds implausible – or, if you knew me in real life, it would seem implausible. She was originally just a cute student that I started dating; but then, since she was bisexual, she wanted to go to the strip club so that she could watch other girls.

I must reassert here that I wasn’t just a nerd, I was a SUPER nerd. I didn’t only spend my teenage years playing video games in a basement; that would have been nerdy enough, but in-between that, I would do other absurdly wholesome activities – like, for example, I would bake bread. I would bake bread from scratch. While reading a recipe from a cookbook. I never was invited to a party when I was a teenager; I never dated a girl until I was in college. So, I was ridiculously unprepared for all of this.

_____

“‘My god,’ I said to myself. ‘I’m not in my real life anymore. I’m in Scarface.'”

The weird thing about strip clubs is that they look just like strip clubs in movies. This was odd, because nothing ever resembles its depiction in movies. It sort of freaked me out. I would walk through the door, and then there’d be the awful music, the stage with poles, and the not-quite-fish-tank in the back of the room. I don’t know why I still think of the fish tank, but I do. It was enormous, and it covered an entire wall, and it wasn’t really used to hold fish, it was just this neon thing on the wall that was filled with bubbles – and although it wasn’t the 80s anymore, it was the most 80s-looking-thing that I had ever seen. “My god,” I said to myself. “I’m not in my real life anymore. I’m in ‘Scarface.'”

Annoyingly, Steph wouldn’t let me pick her stripper name; we had lots of debates about this. The name that she eventually came up with was “Thisbe,” which I thought was overly pretentious. But despite this, there were consolations that made up for the debate. Like, suddenly, I was dating a stripper. I was dating the girl that other guys leered at. I would go to the club to pick her up, and there she would be.

_____

And there were other strippers in the club, of course. They all had sad names in real life. Their fake names were like a parody of their real names – I would talk to them after-hours, while they were rubbing their heels and complaining about guys, and that was when I would learn their actual names, which were always something sort of plain, like “Mary,” or “Amy.” Their real names couldn’t have been more different from their stage names, which were always things like “Cinnamon,” or “Peaches.” These girls were all single moms or students, every single one of them. And they would all talk about how much they hated their jobs, which – well, it was depressing, hearing about that, and I stopped going to strip clubs after Steph and I broke up, except for lame bachelor parties that I don’t want to go to – and so, if you ever see me in a strip club, I’m the guy sitting furthest from the stage, looking depressed.

More From Thought Catalog

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    That's like how I wake up every morning.

    And “and so, if you ever see me in a strip club, I’m the guy sitting furthest from the stage, looking depressed” is me too. You will never see me there though. One visit is more than enough.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    This was sad/depressing/captured how I think I would feel at strip clubs until the last paragraph where it turned melodramatic.

    • Oliver Miller

      Yeah, I went for the mega-sad ending.

  • http://brianburke.tumblr.com/ brian burke

    cool story.

  • Andee Nero

    As a former stripper, I think this is the first article I've read on Thought Catalog that makes me want to throw up in my mouth. Most of the girls I have worked with prefer to date nerdy guys. You'd really be shocked. The only thing I agree with in this article is how the guys who date strippers claim they are okay with everything but always have a desire to control/own them… Like getting upset about how she wouldn't let you pick her stripper name? What an idiot.

    • Oliver Miller

      It's good how you sensed that I was an idiot from the article that I wrote about how I used to be an idiot.

  • http://www.kathygambo.tumblr.com Kathleen Gambarelli

    This is brilliant. Although I have a suspicion you're not quite as socially inept as the 'nerd-ego' you portray yourself as.

    • Tiffany

      As someone who has known Oliver for almost twenty years, I can confirm that, yes, he was that nerdy and socially inept

      • Oliver Miller

        My best friend Tiffany, ladies and gentlemen!

  • brandon scott gorrell

    this is sweet

  • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

    here is the article translated to latin then translated back into english

    i used google translate

    i think you'll find my version is often much better

    • Oliver Miller

      sweet

    • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

      i got the most likes

  • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

    Oh Shit, from the date of 1 STRIPPER!
    March 4, 2011 by Oliver MILLER

  • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

    I have been a nerd for a long time, and then from STRIPPER dated. This it was a weird accidental to it. Who devotes years to play teenage guys “Bard's Tale, ” in the Commodore does not exceed about 64 by the art of dating strippers.

    To appraise them, when I took the dating itself, no one – from the STRIPPER I say. Stephanie the college of a very keen student, but he is to pay his man she needed was a training in little books and they shall strip it was in the college of our club the town of New York – Thus, therefore, therefore, you go.

  • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

    Stephanie also of both sexes, what I know, just now when you improbable – for example, if you did know me, in a true seems to be unfitting. She was the first certain, however the skin so much I have begun to lesbian, but then, when he was bisexual club he would go to the strap so that it can watch the other girls.

    We must reassert not only me, I have been a nerd ON A nerd. And not only so I will deal teenage years to play Music in the basement that would have been sufficient, but among the NERDY-and foolish man This choice did I have of salvation, activities – like bread for instance, would that whetstone. Would to God concerning the bread whetstone scratch. Cookbook recipe when he had read, a. Was invited to a party who never, when I was teenager, never dated the girl in the college as far as I am. So am I in the ridiculously unprepared them all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

    The fate of the spoils of those things above the wood is like a strip of wood is expected in the movies. This uneven and, at any time because there is nothing similar in the depiction of his own movies. And the kind of freaked me. I would have to go through the door, and then it would be the awful music, the stage at all the bars and the non-fish-Tank to the back of the place. I do not know why do you think the fishes of the Tank, but to me. There was a huge wall, and it covered the whole does not truly of the fish held in his' this is, the interest Neo, the wall was filled with bubbles – And though he did not any more 80s, 80s there was a battle because, as a seen-me. O my God, I say. “I'm not real in the life anymore. I'm in the 'lamb of God. “

    Steph so annoyingly, does not pick me, his STRIPPER us the name of the blessed is blessed by lot of the same. Which name should be at any time they went up Thisbe, which I thought he would behave itself unseemly, too much. But yet the latter were made up for the consolations of to debate. As on a sudden from me STRIPPER dating. I, that for the girl dating other guys in the leered. I want to go to the club and pick it, and was in town.

  • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

    Would be absurd as well to us it was the lives life to be the useless to us. I say, come on – STRIPPER Steph is her name, the elect of “Thisbe, for chrissakes, the name of the Romans, from an ancient play … what could be more complex, and the sorrow of Stephanie was artsy, and I hoped I would too. Before the days of Job, written, for I have done short by the stories and watch the night we wish to SIT AROUND another man 's movies. But since it happened we have been the work of different things.
    _____

    Even then, he drinks too much Stephanie, and then, too, though I have done. … And in the end, after having STRIPPER Job shall pass away, he called all directions on the phone. And we were one lives here we have changed – Official phone call, she told me was going to be Alcoholic Anonymous every day. I thought that this is good, but the question: what? What incident was the beginning of his Maker, the future AA?

  • obsessions

    that was great.
    and with the last minute and a half of “say you will” by kanye west playing, it really got melodramatic.

    • Oliver Miller

      I love that Kanye, seriously.

  • http://piorkowski.ca qviri

    This girl was not mentioned in A Review of My Ex-Girlfriends. Was she off the scale good or bad?

    • Oliver Miller

      I went out with her for too long to be funny ha-ha about her, basically,which didn't make for a good review.

  • Looknseas

    Thus, can I have my time back; hence, therefore, say, for instance?

    • Oliver Miller

      Seems doubtful, for example.

  • s.

    The Metamorphoses isn't a play! “Thisbe” is in a play, but that's the one by Shakespeare.

    • Oliver Miller

      Y'know what, you're right. Especially lame, because I was a classics minor. I just assumed that Ovid was reusing it from a Roman play; my bad. And this is off-topic, but man, ancient Roman plays are so freaking boring.

  • http://yangutu.com  Dating

    The familiarity was odd, like a Harvard or Yale accent, similar to some of the college boys Suzanne dated in Boston. Her attraction to him built faster than she could suppress it. She dialed the kitchen phone and placed the order for the …… “The Supper Cat Club? Who do I know there? Oh shit! This is that weekly meeting? The big boys talking shop at the feet of strippers,” she laughed to herself. Nancy checked the scheduling of the club. She knew at least half of the ..

  • brandypass

    I loved the last two paragraphs. I could really imagine (in my own version of it) her experience. Crazy good.

  • Louise

    This was really amazing to read, thanks for sharing.

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    Expected something funny, went out pretty thoughtful. I think you might be my favorite author, here.

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