Admit it, you’ve never really been the type to be open about those kinds of things. Too personal, too risky. So there he is. Everybody thinks that you don’t like him. It’s true, you do sometimes try to slip things into conversation to make it seem like you don’t have a crush. Like how your guy is going to be impressively tall, bold, and definitely knows what he wants.
But then your friends always talk about how you two are so similar, or how you’d be adorable together. Whenever they say that sort of thing you scoff and say “I don’t know about that…”
You’d never confess to it, but secretly, their shipping of you with him gives you a tiny bit of hope. Almost.
Whenever you’re around him, you suddenly feel inarticulate, and spend much of your time smiling at the ground.
Truthfully, you desperately like him. And it took a long time for you to admit that much to yourself.
He’s a shy boy, though, incredibly difficult to read at times. Sometimes he looks to you to laugh at his jokes, to talk to, to notice him. But then other times you’ll be in close proximity and he won’t say a word. What is all of it supposed to mean?
You’re unsure about the situation, how to proceed. Sometimes you say “Well, I can’t even tell if he likes me back”, and then you think of how sad, ugly, and boring you probably seem in comparison to everything else in his life. Why should he like you? “I won’t care about him, he probably doesn’t like me at all”, you say. “I’ll live my best life, without him, without anyone. I don’t care what he thinks about me! I’ll dye my hair just as a symbol of my not caring!”
Try as you may, though, you just can’t stop caring, liking him for those smiles that make everything seem right, everything worthwhile. It’s like a drug. You’ll take it, and you’ll be honest with yourself. “I like him”, you’ll say, “And just this once, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve.” If he doesn’t notice, that will be the end of the matter.
It’s time to live, to open up.