I’m not the girl that gets “wooed.” Not the girl that someone makes a picnic for. Not even the girl that guys introduce to others. I’m the girl that gets the 2am text of “wyd/wya”, the girl that is told her ass is fine before she’s told she’s beautiful. I’m not the girl that guys want to date, I’m the girl that guys want to fuck.
I realized this, when the guy I liked referred to me as “Nothing Important”, would only text me late at night, and they usually consisted of three letters. It was right then and there, I realized I was nothing more than body. Someone for his enjoyment, not someone that he cared about. After reexamining the last 10 months, I learned I was never someone special to him. I created an idea in my head that he cared, so I brushed off every sign I was given. From the fact that he never even saved my number, to how he never really talk to me in public. Or maybe it was the way he always wanted me to meet him at his place. Sure there great moments, where we would talk, laugh and share personal secrets but for all I know none of what he said was real.
Now this realization is difficult, but it can also be helpful. Because I learned something that day: I am worth more than some sleazy guy, who thinks he’s god’s gift to women. I deserve someone who will treat me like I’m the world, but I’m not going to get that until I learn to love and respect myself. Yes, that takes time (it’s something I’m still working on). But it starts with little steps: ignoring the 2am texts, ignoring the smooth talkers. Demanding certain things from guys and if they don’t accept, learning to walk away. I know it’s not easy to get over the guy, because while all the signs showed me that he wasn’t even worth a glance, I was hooked. He consumed all my thoughts. Sometimes even still does. But then I remember the nights I wasted on him, the nights that I could of spent enjoying friends and living to the fullest. They were instead spent in bed, with watered eyes, wondering what I did wrong, wondering why he didn’t want me. That was my first mistake, for I did nothing wrong. It was him.
For any girl that spent the night curled up tight against the wall, makeup streaming down her face, and heaving for breath: you’re not alone. I know the feeling, it’s something I’ve felt my entire life; the feeling that you’re never good enough, that no one will ever love you. But there’s something very important to remember, those are just feelings. And feelings can change. You are more than the sleazy guy that makes you fall, more than the catcalls, you are more than the 2am text. I know at the time it doesn’t seem like it, but there is someone who is going to love every part of you. Yet that can’t happen until you learn love yourself. So forget all the shit that you’ve gone through. You are unique and there is someone out there for you. Just know that you’re worth the wait.