1. Every time I see a sign that says, “HUGE BABY SALE – EVERYTHING 70% OFF,” I wonder if that’s where people buy large babies.
2. One day, in the heat of an argument with my mom, she goes, “I BOUGHT YOU. BALLOONS. I BOUGHT YOU BALLOONS.” Good save, mom.
3. Whenever my parents get too embarrassing in public, I just step to the side and say “I don’t know these people. Look – we’re not even the same race.”
4. Right before I went under anesthesia in surgery, my parents seized the opportunity to joke and say, “When we bought her, we didn’t know she’d be defective. Think we can send her back?”
5. My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a “two for one special.”
6. When people say, “Are you talking about your REAL mom or your ADOPTED mom?” Obvi I’m talking about the woman who potty-trained me and drove me to soccer practice and helped me with homework and cried at graduation – DUH.
7. My mom loves Chinese Take-Out. How do you think I got to this country?
8. Crafting your family tree in elementary school is like playing a game of “One of these things is not like the other”
9. When people look at me and say, “YOU’RE ADOPTED?!” No. Two white people just happened to hatch an Asian baby. Or my mom has been hiding something from us all….
10. I love family reunions because when your great-great-aunt’s-nephew’s-twice-removed-grandma comes up to you and says, “Oh you have your mother’s nose” and you can’t help but laugh until she realizes.
11. Celebrating “Gotcha Day” and “Adoption Day” is like having two more birthdays every year. In other words, more cake. Hell yes.
12. FedEx from “Cheaper By The Dozen” is the most adorable little adopted boy. I am FedEx.
13. My parents like adopting brunette things. Chocolate labs. Black cats. Me.
14. Filling out family medical history forms, and just writing in huge letters #IRRELEVANT.
15. When people are so impressed that my parents adopted a 2 month-old Kenyan baby that doesn’t speak English, it’s like “WHAT TWO MONTH OLD BABY DO YOU KNOW THAT SPEAKS ANY LANGUAGE???”
16. At an incredibly deep, emotional level, I can appreciate Tarzan, Meet the Robinsons, The Land Before Time, The Lion King, and basically every Disney movie ever where someone was raised by someone other than the one who birthed them. Now pass the tissues.
17. Nothing makes me dry-heave more than when people say, “So if you’re adopted, doesn’t that mean you can still marry your adopted-cousins?”
18. You parents can’t use the “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” nonsense. You picked me up from the airport, fully clothed with food. Feel free to return me just so.
19. When we go to an Asian restaurant and I’m the only person who doesn’t know how to use chopsticks, and simultaneously the only Asian person in the family…
20. Never piss your parents off when you’re adopted, because then they start asking about your “Return Policy.”