Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Frustration. Heartbreak.
Laying there with him, my significant other, my boyfriend, MY future, I know what she’s thinking. The same thoughts swam gently through my mind day after day over the last several years. As she rolls over and looks at him asleep on her pillow, she can’t believe how lucky she is.
“What a catch.”
“He’s charming, he’s smart, good career, great education.”
“Lovely family, loyal friends. I can’t wait to meet them.”
As she brushes a wisp of dirty blonde hair from his forehead she tells herself:
“There’s no way he’s ever had sex this good with anyone else.”
“It’s like magic.”
Maybe it’s all true this time, maybe with this girl, it’s different.
After all, he gave up so much to be with her. I want to believe it won’t be, that the years we shared are untouchable.
Any relationship will pale in comparison to what we had. Is it a rebound? Revenge? A true connection? It’s not for me to know.
They say hindsight is 20/20, but the clarity and focus that come with time haven’t yet arrived for me. All I can remember now are the house plans and baby names; the fighting, the yelling, the lopsided responsibilities have all but disappeared from my mind’s eye. How didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been so wrong for so long? Was I actually wrong about him? Why did I have so much hope? And how do I let go of that hope now? I must learn. YOU must learn.
You must learn to trust your gut. The little voice inside trying to steer you away from danger and into the light. You know what’s right for you. That voice knows it long before you do; never, ever ignore it. I knew the truth and chose to believe there was honesty and character where my gut knew there was neither.
You must learn you cannot control people. You cannot make someone change. It’s cliché and we’ve all heard it, yet we still find ourselves trying one more time, working just a little bit harder. It is a battle you cannot win. I’m quite persuasive actually – I convinced myself that we could do it, we loved each other enough to get through it together – I just couldn’t convince him of it.
You must learn when enough is enough. I am a fighter. I don’t quit. Anything. I don’t give up easily, especially on the people I would move heaven and earth for. But there is a very specific point when you must pack your bags and go home. You must let go. There is no shame in fighting for what you believe in and for who you love. When it’s clear, and it will become clear, that respect for you and what you shared comes second to ANYTHING, that is when enough is enough.
YOU must learn. I must learn.