It is easy to see that common sense is on short supply. Mixed with an unhealthy amount of desperation, having morals can be awfully tough! Not to mention, you exhibit a major lack of respect. It must be so hard—all those nights when you just aren’t sure if you can control yourself from harming another human being.
But have no fear, because for an unlimited time, we would love to clue you in on our favorite tips and tricks for respecting women. This is the ultimate guide for those of you struggling out there. Just follow seven easy steps to learn how to not be an absolute fuck.
1. Do not stick your penis into anything without permission. If you find this step to be difficult, we’d advise you to seek medical help immediately. It is possible that you have a neurobiological impairment, psychiatric disorder, or intimacy problems. Or maybe you’re just disgusting.
2. If we say no to a drink, then we are not interested. Calling us names as you walk away will not make us change our minds either. If we do say yes to a drink,—let’s be honest, we are probably using you for a free drink—we still owe you nothing.
3. Flirting tip: We do not think it’s funny when you pretend to put roofies in our drink. (Hint hint: that’s why we are not laughing!) And once we address this inappropriate and disturbing behavior, please refrain yourself from winking and doing it once more. Yes, this actually happened to me last weekend.
4. Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually not cute when you touch us, rub us, grab us, feel us without permission. Stop doing it.
5. We can wear whatever the hell we want, and we’re still not asking for it.
6. If there is ever a drunk girl passed out in your bed,—whether she came with you, lost her keys and needed a place to crash, couldn’t make it home, or randomly stumbled her way over—sleep on the couch.
7. And most importantly, if you find a girl unconscious behind a dumpster, don’t rape her.
Yes means yes, and nothing else.